My life is not what I want it to be

[Fckthis]

I am depressed, hormonally unbalanced and sick of it all. I don't want to drip feed but there is so much to say that if I did that I wouldn't get started. I have been putting off writing this for fear or reading what the answers will be. Things aren't good for me, but I don't know if it is because I am depressed or because they are bad. Just need someone to talk to but have no one. I feel sad and lonely and cry even reading a child story at the library. MN has helped A LOT in the past, seeing things I hadn't even considered, perhaps there is someone out there who is up for hand holding/guiding/whatever
Posting now as I don't even know what to say.

Are you getting treatment for your depression? Have you seen your GP?

I have CBT for PTSD 2 years ago, then went on citalopram for 1.5 years, stopped it 6 months ago but have been having horrendous pmt. trying to do mindfulness at the moment. Just started on the combined pill to try to balance my hormones

^have had

Hormones are an absolute nightmare! Have you heard of PMDD? If not you could google it.

Are you in a relationship, do you have DC?

Never heard of it, will google. Yes DH of 11.5 years and DS 3.5. PTSD was for birth trauma. Most problems ATM are with DH, he gets the brunt of it all but also isn't very good at being patient, or 'just shutting up and taking it' as he calls it. He is probably depressed too but absolutely refuses to engage with the idea and gets defensive mentioned.
A big part of my unhappiness is that I want more dc, he doesn't, the most I managed to get is that he isn't 100% against it but deff not now/very near future. I am 35 this year (ffs!) and my mum had the menopause at 40, which makes me think I might too, which means that now is probably too late.
But I am so worried there is something seriously wrong with my thinking due to my hormonal crap, I cannot shake the feeling that a second child would re-balance me
Although this is not the only reason I want a bigger family.

I've just re read my posts and I'm struck by how pathetic I sound. I keep telling my DS how 20 min of tv/just one biscuit/whatever he fancies is enough and to enjoy it while its happening, but here I am yearning for stuff I don't have while life is staring me in the face. How can I go from hating my life in the morning, daydreaming of leaving it all and starting again to feeling ok, hopeful, positive in the afternoon???

You are not pathetic at all. Hopefully adjusting the hormones will help. I'm not too sure what else to say but didn't want to leave your posts unanswered.

I would be starting serious chats about child no 2.

Have you tried a good acupuncturist? My daugher had a hormonal imbalance during puberty that was cured by acupuncture.

Whatever you do, don't try to analyse your life when you are feeling down. If I start thinking about my life when I am down I find that nobody has ever loved me and, moreover I am totally unloveable, etc. etc. When I've actually had quite a blessed life.

are you getting enough sleep?
are you good sleeper?

there's thread somewhere on how to become morning person - lots of brilliant advice there

Hi. Sorry to hear about your sadness. How is your sleep? Also recommend intense exercise. Do you have space in the house for a cross trainer? I just bought a really good one. Excellent addition.

Hugs

I thought the combined pill was helping my hormonal balance but it was actually depressing me dreadfully. Worst of all when I first started it (was really not in my right mind and never realised until a long time later). Because everything was a lot more predictable and regular I thought the pill was helping. It so so so wasn't. Could this be relevant to you at all?

Thank you all for the excellent input, questions and suggestions.
I will give the pill a go as I have just started it and perhaps a hormonal 'change' of one kind or another is what I need.
Re sleep...no I don't sleep enough!!! DS is an awful sleeper, up until 6 months ago he was still waking up 3+ times a night. Now it's down to one, max 2 which is great but he goes to bed too late (9:30) despite all our efforts at shifting it earlier; so we end up going to bed too late after trying to have a little bit of adult time (watching tv...)
Re exercise I think I might join a gym, I cycle to work twice a week but its not exercise, it's commuting iyswim (not sweating).
I am starting a mindfulness course, which helps with the 'not trying to analyse life when down' as you (sorry cant go back on phone to see who posted that) said. It's hard though! Those are the moments when I feel like I 'need' to sort things out.

Funnily enough I am on the first break after a packet of pills and have had a horrendous headache, despite which I feel fine, happy and positive (although still desperate to be pregnant). They do say 4 yo make you broody don't they?, DS is 3.5...
Now, how do I convince DH????

Thank you all again for reading and being there, don't know what life would be like without MN.

Exercise classes at YWCA or gym or jogging or cross trainer or bike in your garage or local tennis club.......exercise will make you feel so much better. Also playing your favourite music in the kitchen and prancing and singing along is highly recommended.