in sickness and health!?

[onanotherday]

Such a long story..bit short version; married 20 years 2 DC. And having suffered much stress; debt, supporting career change, loss of mum, holding down several p/t jobs (me). DH has a breakdown, and we (I) spend a year supporting, counselling etc. He left anyway and into the arms of an old flame within weeks. To say kids and I were deverstste would be an understatement. Anyway things didn't work out with ow mainly because the hadn't be very truthful about circumstances of split...my wife doesn't understand me....blah blah. 2 years on, much pain and bitterness. He has sunk lower and lower; drinking ,depression and suicide attempts. Everything always my fault. But last 6 months he has begun to see issues are rooted in his childhood. And wants a reconciliation. But still not wholly accepting responsibility and while I juggle childcare and jobs just be moans his lot. Hate to admit I/we still love him and he is still a constant in our lives, mainly as I thought deep down he realised what he lost and kids & I missed him. Told him today unless he really took responsibility for effect of drinking and we went to counselling I couldn't see any future due to battle fatigue. MH or not what's in it for me. Am I selfish, stupid or codependent?

You care about him. He needs therapy for two years before you consider reconciliation, meantime find things to do for you.

You can love someone and not have a couple relationship with them or live with them.

Stick to your guns!

He needs serious professional help and a long, long time sober before you can even think of taking him back.

let him sort himself out.
have timetable for when he sees kids and see if he sticks to it.

let him resolve his issues and review in two years time . you can set the boundaries here. have him move back in and you wont have boundaries left...

IME reconciliation looks better on paper than it is in reality. You're upset, lonely, struggling with DCs and jobs etc, still have feelings and desperately want to get back to normality. So the person comes back and its a huge relief and you plan to let bygones be bygones and rationalise and counsel your way back to how it was before everything kicked off. And maybe they don't accept full responsibility and maybe they're not completely honest but who cares? They're back and it's great.

Then one day - and I'm purely going on my own experience - you wake up and look at this person and it hits you exactly how they brought you to your knees, devastating the whole family in the process. They're acting like nothing happened. You may even have been told that you should 'move on'. You realise you've sold yourself short and you hate not only them but yourself.

So please take your time. And maybe make him a bit less of a 'constant in your lives'.

Don't let this man bleed his issues onto your own children. He needs space and time to sort this out on his own. Why should you be obligated to try and resolve his issues for him?

It sounds like he misses having an easy life with you to blame for everything and picking up after him.

I think you do sound bizarrely dependant on such a mess of a man, and that's worrying. I think it would be stupid to take him back or consider a reconciliation before he has resolve ALL of his issues.

Him saying "so hey, maybe I do have a drinking problem after all" is not enough. He should be saying "so I realised I had a drinking problem, went to AA and have been sober for 18 months now".

He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself.

Please don't bring somebody with a drinking problem back into yours and your children's lives!

You can still care about someone when they are afflicted. You can still find it in your heart to care about that person when they behave badly. But that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice all peace of mind or deny yourself the kind of happiness a new reliable loving partner could give.

You have children together so yes to some degree he'll be involved for some while to come.

Your H has done a lot of taking in his time. (I like the expression you use, 'battle fatigue)'. A bit of effort from him starting with accepting some responsibility is long overdue. So no, you're far from asking too much.

Thank you all for your replies. I think. Knew the answer. But telling yesterday I wouldn't consider moving forward until he was ,'. After a tiraid of all my failings he then said I was ' cold blooded' to torment him with his problems that he is trying to work on. ...mind made up...gutted:-(

He sounds like a miserable bugger. Best of luck

Thanks, your right he can be!! Sorry for typos! Not until he was "dry".... Hell and freezes over come to mind :(