Adult children of narcissistic parents: Parenting your own children

[GoodtoBetter]

Hello,

I have just (a week ago) gone NC with my narc mother after I reached my limit of abuse, manipulation and vitriol. My father was an alcoholic and died some years ago.
I'm just about to embark on some psychotherapy about all this and trying to protect my relationships with my own children (terror of turning into her) and wondered if anyone wanted to talk about issues involved with parenting your own kids when one or both of your parents have been this personality type.

I think with your wide experience with nutty parents you're well on your way to a PhD.

you know that thing that if you have a lot of problems with people, the common denominator is probably you?

I'm desperately hoping that isn't true of having parents :D You can't choose them. Honest!!

Not read thread yet (will later but want to join.) Sufficient to say "interesting" childhood that's left marks on me.

I went NC with my abusive and violent narc mother 15 months ago.

The day my first daughter was born I told her I was going to love her as hard as I could. Obviously, now she's nearly 10 there have been ups and downs. I am a soft touch when she asks for things because when I was a kid I was terrified to ask for anything. I'd be screamed at and asked if I had a job yet (age 10 -12 ... too young for even a paper round). We weren't well off but we weren't poor by any means. A new outfit or some lessons in a hobby were well within reach.

When my second DD was born (4 year age gap) my mother tried to take over my eldest saying to her mummy had a new favourite now. I pulled her up for that and her response was that my capacity to love was given to me by her (!!). I think her eyes were opened when she saw me with my kids that not all mothers are total cunts like her.

My daughters are very different characters but it's my mission to love them equally (and I do) and I try to be fair.

She still emails my eldest daughter occasionally and tries to manipulate her. To my girl's credit, she says straight through this. We've had some grown up chats about it.

My mother lies to whoever she can about me. She tries to change history and retells stories putting herself in a better light or simply "forgets" things happened. The people who matter know the truth.

Really enjoying Playful Parenting.

How are you ??? 11 years on x

Hey! Really good? Still NC and tbh it's the best thing I ever did.
Kids are now almost 17 DS and almost 14 DD. DS just got back today from a month in Poland as the Erasmus part of his post 16 vocational qualification. Both kids are really great kids and we have a good relationship. DS was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD at 13 and i am so glad my mother wasn't in our lives because she would have made it all about her. She would have had favourites too and just generally been a thoroughly toxic influence.
I am a much better parent for having suffered through her and escaped from it.

Me too, it really made me more aware of how I reacted to things. Therefore preventing any thing resembling her way of doing things. Happier family