I want the divorce, he doesn't. How to stay strong?

[GoMe]

I could write an essay here trying to explain all the problems in my marriage but bottom line is: I don't love him and I don't think we will ever be happy, we are just not compatible at all.
Being together for 8 or 9 years, married, one 7 year old child.
No mortgage or valuables to share but paying rent together, we neither can't afford to pay rent separately even though we work (London).
At least he can go to his parent's, which is far away from his work and a long commute but he refuse to accept I want to end and won't talk about it properly.
I can't move as I am a CM and main carer, he works crazy hours.
I need to remain strong until he accepts. But I see the atmosphere won't be good until then.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not, why not?

There is nothing that your husband needs to accept in this situation. You have decided that for whatever reason, you want to end the marriage. He doesn't get to decide whether that's okay or not, and you don't need his permission to do so.

Whose name is on the rental contract at the moment?

You need to spend some time looking at different renting options in London, so you can move into a place you can afford. Because I am assuming that even if your husband left, then you couldn't afford to pay the rent alone?

If you are serious about ending the relationship, then you need to be proactive. Speak to a solicitor about your options on asking him to leave (if you can afford to stay there), otherwise look for a new home. If you are working then it shouldn't be an impossibility.

You have to acknowledge that, however bad things have been, he's going to be upset that it's over. So you have to allow for a reasonable period of adjustment. Doesn't mean anyone's entitled to be obnoxious about it but you'll have to anticipate that it's going to be stressful. If there's any aggression or other threat to your safety then please deal with it seriously

If you're going to talk about anything I think it might help to make your DC the focus. Whatever else is going on, your DC has to be protected. Then I suggest you make arrangements to talk to a solicitor and get the ball rolling on the divorce. You don't need his permission Sorry it's over and good luck

I have been talking separation/divorce for a lonf time now and always changing my mind, giving another chance, etc.
Just arrived back from holiday today and during the holidays I realised this is it.
No, it will be worse for me if I move out. I will never find a rent for the same price I have now and I am a CM, so moving out will mess up my business and income. Also I will have a second job on the corner of my road, moving out will be disastrous but I will have to think hard about it. Rental in both our names.
We are very much working class, no savings and all the spare money we had went unfortunately towards the holiday.
What I want is give him time to accept and do it without animosity.
Deep inside I suspect he knows it is the best decision but he is just very resistant to change. Any kind of change tbh.
How much a divorce roughly costs?

You don't need his permission.

But you are sadly going to have to be the one to move if you want this to progress. He rents the place too, why should he move out when he does not want to, giving himself a huge commute and moving to a place he doesn't want to be?

Yes, it would be better for you and your child if he did - but if he's not willing to accept that things are over, he won't go and you can't make him.

Just to ask, what IS your plan if you can't afford to rent this place alone but don't intend to move because of mindees? Lodger? Can you sublet? Um - are you supposed to be childminding from your rented house? Not trying to ask awkward questions, but if you can elaborate, perhaps someone will have an idea.

Ultimately, childminding IS one of the most portable jobs, fortunately... so if you did have to relocate somewhere outside of London, you could still work. I know how difficult that would be to do though!

Yes, I know he has the right to stay.
Maybe people don't realise that moving a CM business from one location to another is a massive headache and takes time which means loosing business and clients.
I have permission from my LL and I am registered in my rented house.
I have a job round the corner starting next week and will CM only after school.
So should I give this all up and move far away? I suppose he can share with one of his workmates? He can live in his parent's spare bedroom too.
How do single moms all over the UK survive? I will have 2 jobs, maybe I will be entitled to some help too?
I always think about the financial side and never separate. I am sure there is a solution even though money is tight?

No, you are right about all that - but unfortunately, it doesn't add up to him being forced to move out. The ONLY way you can get that to happen is if he decides himself to go.

How about if you made plans to leave London? - telling him that if he won't go, the only way you are going to be able to afford to break up is by leaving your home and moving far enough away that you can afford single rent? Do you think him seeing this as the alternative - you simply leaving altogether - would make him realise that there's no hope and yes, it would be easier for everyone if he moved?

If you want to keep the house - and I can see why you do - then you have to give him time to see its really over while living together, and give him time and support to find somewhere sensible to go. So you have to live separately in the house (no shared meals, beds, laundry etc), go out on your own, announce it to family and friends and weather the storm. He may stick it out for months though.

I can not make a threat that I am not able to follow through.
Look, drip feeding now, I am not from the UK. I don't have family here. My community is all I got. No savings. New job starting next week. I am studying too, have a course here in London. My own business settled. Oldest clients been with me for 4 years
I want to give him time to think and realise he needs to do what he needs to do. If I move, I need time to build up savings and still be local.
Just need to stay strong until he has time to accept it.

Have you told other people you are separating? If you haven't do because it will make it real. Do what you can to separate at home like purplewithred said. You will have to drive this. Point out that his child's best interests will be best served by as little disruption. In addition you keeping your employment will benefit everyone. Give him time.

benefits calculator here: www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

I am not from UK either OP (though my XP is) and especially after your have children the community connections you have made become really invaluable. I understand completely why you don't want to move.

I don't know how you can get him to be reasonable and move out? But in the meantime you could start divorce proceedings to let him know how serious you are?

Ok. I will move into DD's bedroom or start sleeping in the couch.
Is there a way to have a divorce in the UK without a lawyer? As cheap as possible?

Don't try to short-cut the legal process. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation and will be prepared to take their final fee out of any financial settlement rather than up front. If you want to keep the costs down, take advice on what would be a fair settlement and then make your STBX an offer. If everyone's reasonable and willing to mediate/agree without taking it through court, you can get away with a pretty low cost. If anyone is obstructive or uncooperative, you either sell yourself short and lose money or you pay the extra costs and have it settled legally

We don't have ANYTHING at all. There will be no settlement.
We pay rent and we have our low working class salaries every month.
No savings, no properties, no cars, no jewels, anything valuable at all.

Hi GoMe
I have no experience of divorce really - but there is a divorce topic on MN I think.
Perhaps you could get some more specific advice on low cost divorces there?
Best of luck.

I know I will get flamed for this response, but my personal view is that marriage is a commitment. And commitment means staying true to your word long after the desire to do so has actually left you. I'm not saying people should stay married to people who make them unhappy, but I am saying it is implicit in the commitment that you are absolutely sure you try to make things work before you give up. Being on the other side of someone giving up on you without trying feels very unfair.

I'd therefore say why not try counselling first for a month or two just to see if the issues between you can be worked out.

Love isn't some mystical force that evaporates. It's not an emotion even. It's a flowing substance that is reduced or increased in flow depending on how you treat each other and what else is going on. You can change the ebb and flow of it.

If you never felt happy or satisfied with your DH then perhaps you know deep down nothing can be done, but if you once did and you once had a wonderful marriage then perhaps with a little effort you could regain that.

I am not saying this is true in all cases or applies to everyone but maybe he will feel more ready to accept the end of the marriage if he is given a little opportunity to work on it before it's presented to him as over. If he feels in himself that it can't be fixed - he will relent.

That wasn't meant to be preachy, and I'm sorry if I don't know the specifics of your relationship and your DH has been unwilling to listen / change or work on things with you. I just think unilaterally taking away someone's marriage, home, kids is a pretty harsh thing to do if you haven;t first given them a chance of some sort.

Ok Minion, will give you some background: have been trying / giving chances / waiting for a change for a long long time, counselling didn't work. My husband has issues with online games and spend a lot of money on it...mind you we don't have much. On top of that, there is porn watching, alcoholism and mild verbal abuse. Police been at my house twice due to domestics as he was so drunk and aggressive I couldn't handle it. Next time I call the police he will be arrested. Guess what? He did it again whilst we were on holidays. Obviously I couldn't call the police from there. I had to leave my accommodation with my daughter and spend the night at PILs accommodation. Thank God they were there and were supportive enough, otherwise I would have to put up with abuse or sleeping by the pool area in the deck chairs. Two days afterwards he was even more drunk than before but didn't have the energy to be aggressive so just staggered strait to the bed. What is worse is he is saying sorry and he genuinely believe he has done nothing wrong and I am overreacting.
I didn't want to give so detailed background, but I don't like to be patronised. I have been married and had a divorce because my ex swapped me for an OW. I know how emotionally difficult the whole thing is and I am not taking this decision lightly.
Yes, I made vows, doesn't mean I have to forget about myself and stay in a unhappy abusive marriage for the rest of my life, and even worse, letting my daughter think that is the way she should be treated by her husband.

Tell me, what do you think now?

Off I go name changing now.

I'm sorry if I don't know the specifics of your relationship and your DH has been unwilling to listen / change or work on things with you.

which sounds like it's the case.

My post was not mean t to patronise you. My post was meant from the other perspective. Like from the women who post on here when their DH has asked for a divorce and won't work on it and that's a really unfair / devastating situation we see day after day here. If any one of those men posted here I'd tell them the same thing...give your poor wife a chance.

Clearly not the case in your situation as it sounds like he's been given a lot of opportunity and have tried counselling etc and it hasn't resolved it.

If I were you I would get myself independent financially and move out. You can get a lot of help as a single Mum. I don't think you're going to able to convince him to willingly move.

Good luck OP