Will I ever trust him?

[ncwhichwaytogo]

Backhround:
Two years My dh (of 14years, 2 dds 7 and 5) had an emotional affair (lasted a few weeks) but was utterly devastating to or marriage. He left (not for OW) and I was crushed.

Turns out he had a breakdown after the death of his dad (EA was a side effect I suppose) and there was a lot more to it. Gambling, drinking I had severe PND so was fairly oblivious to it all.

He went to a Dr got put him on AD and had personal counselling and grief counselling. We the decided to work on our marriage we had 12 mths of marriage counselling, moved house, he quit his job (where OW worked) and he did everything he was supposed, worked so hard at getting us back on track. After that we decided to re new our vows which we did and it was wonderful. However we have had hiccups along the way, I really really struggle trusting him but I try very hard I never prevent him from going out or away because I don't want that sort of marriage. He kept making smallish mistakes but each one involved lying over something (usually totally unnecessarily) My main issue is money as he got into a fair bit of debt and screwed around with all our finances. Therefore I had to bail him out and 2 years later we are very nearly debt free and have managed to save a fair bit also. I now have control of our finances.

Now here is the problem:
Last month without telling me he took a payment holiday on MY outstanding loan (in my name/bank account) there is no reason what so ever for to do it NONE! We have more that enough in the savings, if we were short plus I have an 0% overdraft . I am furious I only found out as they wrote to me to confirm. I just feel like all the work we put in he keeps un doing by lying over stupid things I don't understand why. I have totally shut down as I don't know what to do anymore.
Any advice??

He sounds dishonest unreliable and unfaithful.

What do you want to do?

Just to add...

You don't trust him because he is untrustworthy. That's not a failing on your part. That's because you are normal.

I'm sorry op he seems to have had numerous chances and enough counselling to sink a ship. He doesn't seem to have learned much from any of it. He needs a hard lesson, rather like the ones you keep having to learn from which he has forced on you.

Personally ide shut him off completely and then shove him off, then ask the bank what the hell are they doing if all that was in your name?

Sounds like your main issue is the many instances of lying and deception, mostly minor, including his EA affair, and now this financial one. It sound like you have given him chance after chance and yet he still acts deviously.

What does he say when you speak to him? What is he thinking and what is his mindset? You two should be a team, and he cant take unilateral decisions like this without affecting the other. Its almost as if he lacks respect.

Was there a reason he wanted to take this payment holiday? Is the loan in joint names (why did the bank authorise the holiday if it was only in your name?)

I think the main thing to take out is that its not your fault, it is his unreasonable behaviour which is causing these problems. Im not sure what you can do, perhaps see a councillor to address these issues, but it sounds like something he causes and so he has sort out himself. Its not something you can fix, and you cant be expected to monitor his behaviour all the time. You are also living under the fear of what's next?

I always think that people who lie over small things are more worrying than people who cover up very big problems. Says to me that lying is their go to, knee jerk response and I would find that very disrespectful and extremely stressful to live with. Two years of deceit, an affair, financial problems, gambling, drinking ... sometimes no amount of 'work' is going to make a bad attitude into a good attitude. I don't think anyone would be critical if you called it a day. Suggest that, if you've shut down, you get legal advice and start thinking about your future.

Thank you for the replies. He took the payment using my online account so as long as he had the passwords he can do whatever (have changed the password now.) He said we needed to as we had over spent on holiday (which I knew and had sorted)

When I talk to him he says he knows it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but he was trying to show me he was capable of managing our finances. I feel like I love my family and when things are good they are great. Feels like too good to leave too bad to stay.

What a pile of horse-shit. He wanted to show you he was capable of being responsible with money... by doing something he knew was wrong i.e. hacking your online bank account.... ?

How is living with Billy Liar 'too good to leave' exactly?

Yes I would be caught in two minds as well. On one hand, its unnaceptable to hack into your account and unilaterally make this decision without consulting you. You'd have to have a screw loose if you thought that was acceptable behaviour, it just reeks of immaturity.

On the other hand he had your interests as a couple at heart.

He's an adult as well, so you cant really punish him as you would with a child.

To answer the question in the title, if you ever do trust him you'll be the greatest fool that ever lived.

Well, maybe not the greatest, but YKWIM.

ncwhichwaytogo, you are flogging a dead horse here. He is never going to be an equal partner, he's always going to be a liability, you'll always be on edge waiting for the next revelation. He's utterly untrustworthy and deep down in your gut you know it and that's why you can't suspend your disbelief and hand over your trust to him: because there's some self-protective instinct that's going on that you are very sensible not to over-ride.

Sorry to be clear he didn't hack my account, he knows(knew) my passwords as we were supposed to be open/honest.
We move money from account to account to pay for different bills and he was doing the moving about(I usually do it but he did it to show he was capable again) and when it came we were short for the month instead of telling me he just applied for the loan holiday.
It's too good to leave as 95% of the time its great and since we decided to make our marriage work 18 mths ago there have only been a few instances where he has lied or not been a great dh. In every other way he is a wonderful dh and dad, I feel like we got through the toughest challenge and its going to end over something so small.
ASKBASIL: That is how I feel waiting for him to fuck up again, every time we are on steady ground he under minds it in the stupidest way.

I had an ex who was a financial disaster. I bailed him out once to the tune of thousands: he simply got straight back in to debt. Unbeknownst to me, he was also erm 'emotionally and physically unreliable' with a woman in the next village. He left me. Although the shock was horrific (I literally couldn't swallow food for a week) I still remember the huge sense of relief I felt, even as he was packing his car. I NEVER want to live with that sense of having to check everything and carry responsibility for everything ever again. Daily life alone is physically harder (although not that much, tbh) but the financial stability I have as a result is priceless. I never have that stomach-flipping nausea when an envelope comes through the door and if I've saved up for something then - guess what - I buy it!

You don't owe him anything. If you've had enough, it's absolutely fine to end it.

I have the same issue with my dh. I understand your feelings completely. Any slip up and you use it as a stick to beat with.
Some people's default mode is to lie, even when there is no need. It is so difficult to understand, despite talking about the meaning of honestly over and over.
Being in a relationship like this is miserable.

Reading the last few paras of your last post op and it is identical to me. So much is right with the relationship but the lies even when small destabilise everything. It is very stressful to live like that, waiting and anticipating the next lie.

Becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy. Expecting him to lie and at some point he will.

Someone so financially inept is the equivalent of having another child in the house.

You were "managing the finances" except he wasn't happy with that and decided to risk sabotaging it all without discussing it with you, and that's after you got him out of debt.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying and wondering what bombshell he's going to drop next?

"since we decided to make our marriage work 18 mths ago there have only been a few instances where he has lied or not been a great dh. "

only a few instances of lying or not being a great dh?

Your expectations are too low.

one instance is enough.

I've lived with someone who lied and lied and lied and I remember the feeling of heightened anxiety that was present all the time as a background feeling.

It is terrible. It is unhealthy. It is demoralising.

And it is not a healthy relationship.

I too kidded myself that the 90% of the rest of the time, it was great so not worth ending it over. But the fact is, if you've got that anxious gut as a background to your relationship, it makes you ill and mad and no matter how good the90% is, the fact that it's all built on lies, means that 90% really doesn't count. It is all just denial.

The way you can live with someone like this without the anxiety, is to completely take control. But that is also unhealthy and dysfunctional, so you're faced with a Hobson's Choice.

I hope you can work through this and come to the thing that works for you. And your children, who will learn from you how to conduct adult relationships.

My expectations probably are far too low, you are right ASK BASIL. I meant only a few occasions of not being great and/or lying.

Hickory- It is miserable and yes thats exactly what we do. My dd adore him and he is very very hands on. I hate the idea of breaking up after working so hard for so long.

"I hate the thought of breaking up after working so hard for so long."

That's the real issue, isn't it? The fact that if you stop now, it will all have been a waste. I wonder if your parents were like mine - the worst thing I could have done as a child was 'give up'. The 'must stick it out to the bitter end' attitude I was brought up with has coloured my judgement so badly in terms of relationships. Because sustained effort and self-discipline is fantastic for things like education, but no-one ever pointed out to me that healthy relationships dont follow the same rules. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO STOP PUTTING THE EFFORT IN WHEN IT IS FUTILE.

Time for a mind-shift...

The hard work you have put in has served a fantastic purpose: no, it hasn't 'cured' an irresponsible man, but it has proved to you that he cannot be cured. It has also proved to you that there really is nothing more you can do. It was not a waste of time - your continued commitment means you can now make a decision based on certain knowledge.

If you are genuinely concerned that staying together is risking the security of your dc, then you have put more than enough work in to a futile venture. You are allowed to start prioritising your need for more security and peace of mind and you can now switch your efforts to securing that. The past was not a waste: it's given you knowledge to build on.

It's ok to stop trying now, if you've had enough.

Surely one instance of lying is too much?

You deserve so much better.