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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Advice needed please..

9 replies

jennyfin · 26/08/2014 22:48

Think I just need someone to tell me that things will get better & I'm just being over emotional really!

I have lived with him for nearly a year now and all is going well on that front - the only problem being his work. He is a bus driver and the shifts are really starting to get to me, which is quite selfish of me I know & there isn't a lot that can be done about that at the moment.

I just feel that I am always home by myself, eating dinner by myself or going to bed by myself & it's really starting to get me down. Even going out with friends is usually by myself as he no doubt is at work or will be at work the next day so can't join in.

Has anyone else been through this? Does it get easier? I absolutely love him to pieces and I know he (mostly) enjoys his job but I long for him to get a nice 9-5 Monday to Friday job!

OP posts:

Abilly72 · 27/08/2014 00:18

What sort of strange shift system does he work if he is absent for the time you suggest??Buses usually start no earlier than 6am and generally finish no later that 11pm so there surely must be shifts that allow him to be h home with you

DollyMixture99 · 27/08/2014 00:30

Is he looking to change jobs? Realistically it's not going to get easier until he does.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 07:55

It sounds like you need to talk. If you're just living alongside someone, not eating or sleeping together.... where's the intimacy? The danger is that you end up relegated to live-in housekeeper, facilitating his work! Tell him how you'd like to have more time together, how it's getting you down, and that you're worried about the future of the relationship if nothing changes. Set him the challenge of working some space into his week if his schedule is the most fixed. It's not selfish to want to be together as a couple and he should be feeling the same way. If he's not willing to change, doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't come up with any ideas to make things better, then maybe it's just not the right relationship for you.

Finola1step · 27/08/2014 07:57

How does he feel about the shift work?

YvyB · 27/08/2014 08:11

Shift work is a bitch. But if he was doing the job before you met him and was upfront about enjoying it, I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to change. My job is very inflexible - I can't even choose when I have time off - but it's my career, it feeds and houses me and my ds and anyone who wants to be with me will have to accept that.

That's not to say I don't think you should prioritise couple time. How long in advance do his rotas come out? Can you plan some dates in advance, with and without friends? I know in the early days it's natural to want to do everything together but over time you might come to enjoy and value your independent time.

Don't try to force him to change though. Basically you need to evaluate your way of life as it is now. All relationships come with compromises - if everything else is pretty good then I really would try to work with what you've got to maximise the positives (which also include you still being able to retain some of your independent life).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 08:35

Sheer curiosity on my part .... If your schedules never mesh, how did you meet in the first place?

Flipper934 · 27/08/2014 08:52

I wonder if part of the problem that the OP is having is not just the shift patterns, but the fact that even if her OH isn't working, he doesn't socialise with her because he can't drink if he's working the next day. I know this is an issue for a bus driver friend of mine.

How did you used to spend time together? Was it easier to schedule dates when you weren't living together?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 09:12

The dating question was my next one Flipper934. This person must have made an effort to meet the OP before they got to the stage of moving in together. They must have found time to do that. What I would be worried about in the OP's shoes is that, now that she is safely installed in the home, does he regard her as a 'done deal' and no further effort is necessary? Not uncommon, sadly....

How long did you date him before moving in OP?

Original poster

jennyfin · 27/08/2014 09:50

Sorry haven't had a chance before now to post!

The reason his shifts are all over the place is because he does part time in anther role within the same company, so balancing the two can be quite difficult. I'm hoping that if he does the second role full time the hours might be more manageable!

Thanks for the advice though, and to answer some questions - we met & started going out quite young when we were in secondary school. He had been working in his current job when we moved in together and my naivety thought that we would see more of each other when we lived together. If I'm honest I think that what someone up there said was right, it's like no effort needs to be made. I do feel like I saw more of him when I was home. I know that this will eventually get better, think I just need someone else to tell me it will!

OP posts:

Flip