should I accept this offer of help from maybe-stbxmil?

[justfoundout2014]

Separated from H due to his affair - now over according to him, but I'm not sure. He has no income, no savings and no longer has access to our accounts, but has moved out (his idea, and he is, I suspect, being bankrolled by mil while he looks for work).

Now Mil has offered to pay for work that needs doing to our house, which I am living in with our dc. None of it is huge or urgent, but it would be a weight off my mind to have it all done, and it would take me a while (or would have taken us) to save up and do all the little bits one at a time. I think that in total it would add up to far less than £5000, but I haven't had all the quotes yet. She has said that if the house is sold she wants her money back, and that if she dies, the money is to be split between h and his sister - not sure what she means by that because if she dies, it would not trigger this house being sold.

She has also indicated that she is happy to come and help with childcare (5&7 yr olds) need before and after- school care, and some of the jobs needed are in the attic, which would be her accommodation if/when she stayed over. These are not urgent jobs, as the attic is only needed for storage unless we have a guest. She has always been a little controlling and over-eager to be involved with the dc, but, tbf, she has not pushed this too far, and it has never been a major issue. I am good at smiling and nodding and agreeing to nothing! However, I am worried that she is partly doing this to ensure she has an entitlement to stay here and be more involved with the dc - something that could be under threat if h and I split, though I would never stop her being involved with the dc.

In short, I don't want to see h go, only to feel obliged to have his mother here on a regular basis. In addition, I don't want to undermine my legal position if we do divorce - he currently says he wants nothing, and his dm says she agrees with this, but if she starts pouring money into the house...? On the other hand, I would love to see these niggly little jobs done, and, of course, could well be glad of her help when I start work again in September.

Any advice would be really great.

See a lawyer, get him to sign house over to you asap, before he changes his mind about wanting nothing. Then think about MIL but from what you've said here I would accept nothing financially from her, maybe the childcare help if it suits you but don't be surprised if she bails on you at some point leaving you in the lurch. Been there, should have done all that.

I think you need to very careful. It sounds as though she is angling for a stake in the house and wants some sort of hold over you. The childcare thing is difficult but a loving grandma is better than a childminder. You know her best I think. I would try to save to have the jobs done yourself but maybe accept the childcare.

No. Unless you were rock solid absolutely certain she completely disapproves of her own son's behaviour and was 100% on your side, and you already had a really strong relationship, just No.

Extra No because you say she's already rather controlling.

it puts her in too strong a position for leverage, conscious or unconscious. There will be times you feel weak and a controlling woman can extend her leverage there. Her first priority is going to be her son, it's only natural, and then her grandchildren; not really you. She'll likely be angling for more and more control as time goes on, and you'll be beholden to her at that point.

It could end up ok, but it's much more likely to put you in a difficult position in the future.

Sorry, should have made this clear - the help with the house is a lot easier to accept than the child care as she lives about 90 mins away and suffers from insomnia. She would only be able to help occasionally, and I have said that, while I may well appreciate the extra help at the ends of terms, when my workload is higher, I will still have to have something more stable in place for the rest of the time. H looked a bit miffed when I said this, god knows why.

She gave h part of his inheritance early to enable us to buy our first house 10 years ago (£60 000), but I have checked with a lawyer, and, as there was no paperwork and we now have very little equity, it seems she has no claim to this now (nor do I personally think she is worried about it) but I am concerned she may be trying to salvage something for h. She knows he is completely in the wrong, but may want to claw something back for him.

I am so hard-up and it seems I am entitled to a pittance (though entitled.co.uk says different??) so it is very tempting to take her up on it and let ds get rid of his old, stained, carpet, sort out why the bath water comes back up through the toilet etc etc.

Trouble is, if the offer isn't strings free it can come back to bite you so hard on the arse that you'll long for the old stained carpet back.

"if the house is sold she wants her money back" = she definitely thinks that giving you this money earns her a share of the house. Don't risk it.

Or, if getting the work done would really help you, (as opposed to being nice but not essential) then take the money on the (documented) basis that it is a personal loan and NOT an investment in the property. You say that by saving for a while you could afford to get the work done bit by bit, so still save that money and use it to repay her the loan. Pay every penny back.

She does sound very insecure re. her access to your DC so reassure her on that front. But if the childcare she is offering is ad hoc and when she feels like it, then it really won't help you much - you need regular and reliable.

No. Don't.

Not for 'little jobs'.

She is angling for some sort of stake in your life, the stake she fears she may lose with her son out on his ear. It may be meant well in general, but it could end up messy. Just don't go there.

Far better to demonstrate to her over time that she has nothing to worry about, that you will not stand in the way of a relationship with the grandchildren, that you won't cut her out.

Focus on getting your H to sign the house over - now!!

I really wouldn't accept her offer, you have no way of knowing how things may change as time goes on and divorce is being sorted. I would expect a few years post split before I could actually trust his family. Just be the virtue that he is their 'child' (you suspect that he is bankrolled by his mum).

I would advise extream caution during the early days post split.

Defiantly seek legal advise if you feel that you should agree to this proposal. I would question any shoulds.

Good luck

god no.

I wouldn't do anything that would leave me beholden.

By getting her money back when the house is sold does she mean the £60,000 she gave you initially or the £5000 for the jobs?
She is still his mother and if that £60000 was his inheritance she will almost certainly be wanting him to have at least half of that. I think that if she posted on mn saying that she would get a lot of sympathy."I gave ds his inheritance early to enable him to buy a house. Now the marriage is ending and dil intends to keep all the proceeds of the house".
You need some legal advice. I am , however, a little sorry for your mil who has effectively thrown away a good chunk of her life savings. I think she is mad to offer you even more.

I see what you mean, greylady, but one would also assume that the gift was to her son's FAMILY - to help him set up home, afford a place for his family, his children, to live.

OP has done exactly that, set up home and had the children... and is now parenting them as a single mum due to her ex not being able to keep it in his pants.

So the children exist, the family exists, OP is the one mainly bankrolling this both in terms of time and funds (as this is ALWAYS the case for the RP, really) - but it is fair now for his mum to say 'Well no - we expect you to keep this home running, to keep the children in it and keep that whole family setup in place with full access to it for my son - but I'll have that funding back, thanks - you may have set your life up on the basis that help would be there, but I'm taking it back as really, it's for my son. My son who fucked it all up for you. But don't you cut us out - we still want access to the family you're now bearing the brunt of supporting.'

Not saying this is what MIL expects by the way! But I'd have no hesitation in pointing out the above to MIL if I were OP and she even hinted at it - the funds were for the FAMILY. The family is still there, and if her son isn't a direct part of it any more... well, maybe he should have had some respect for the family unit in the first place.

No way would I accept the money in return for an interest in the house.

I would also be very wary of her intentions, as her loyalty will be to her son.

I remember as a child, after my Dad had walked out on his family because of his affair, that my paternal grandfather gave my Mum some money to go away for a week. She was so grateful. We came back from our holiday to find an empty house. He had done it so that my Dad would have access to the house to empty it whilst we were away.

Thank you, Castlemilk for answering *thegreyLady's post so eloquently for me . I do feel sorry for mil in that it appears that money she thought would give H some security (he has MS, though is able to work - not disabled) has, effectively gone. However, that is his fault - he chose to shag a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work, and when I offered forgiveness, he threw it back in my face by continuing to lie. Mil knows all this, btw. Apparently, she has been on both sides of affairs herself, and told me not to view the OW as a 'monster' , but she has been supportive as well. And I am not 'intending' to keep it all (the £60 000), H has insisted he wants nothing (I am aware he may change his mind).

I have taken legal advice re the £60 000 and am satisfied she has no right to it, though it was not that she was referring to when she mentioned the house being sold. Btw,the £60 000 was given to H without his ever asking for it - she felt that, as had settled down with me the time was right to help us set up home by giving him this money. I imagine she might be kicking herself now, but it's not my fault.

I am concerned that she is trying to buy influence/ control over me and the dc, but some of the jobs would be a weight lifted from my mind, and I kind of feel that, as it's her son's fault that we are not in this together anymore, it's fair in some way that she pay. I don't really mean that - of course she doesn't have to, but seems a bit fitting that she has. I do know that is skewed thinking on my part, but it's kind of there in the back of my mind. Surely the onus is on her to get it in writing if she wants to back when the house is sold etc etc.

Legally, there is no point in selling now. We upsized last year (H knew what he was doing, yet was still the driving force behind that move) and there is only about £30 000 of equity in this house. Deducting fees and credit card bills, that would give us a paltry amount each. I would probably still have enough for a deposit on somewhere smaller, but h will never get a mortgage, so his would be gone on rent/living costs within a year. What a waste. Regardless of his maybe going back on his word, I just can't see the point in that.

I know you are hurting and want someone to pay, but it is not fair for your MIL to be the one. Your DH cheated on you, not your MIL, none of this is her fault.

I advise you not to take her money, too many strings attached and too many risks. The work you need doing is not vital, so save up. It's not like your roof is leaking, or a wall is falling down or your kids have mold in their bedrooms.

Save your anger for your H and stop trying to take your pain out on your MIL

Ok, I'm really panicking now. Dc came home from her's earlier - they had been there for the bh with h. They have said that she has said how great it would be if I go with them next time they go to "see what they get up to". They both went on about it quite a bit, so I think it has been mentioned more than once over the weekend. It has been the case for the last few years that they visit with h without me as it gives me the chance to work, but I do see ILs at other times.

I am furious that she has mentioned this to the dc and made them want it. Why the fuck would I want to spend more time, not less, with my in-laws in the light of what h has done? In the course of telling his family what he has done, he also told them all the sorry details of our marriage, including how shit our sex life is/was. To think that I want to spend time with them knowing they know all that is a fucking joke.

Anyway, I should have said this upthread, but I kind of knew it was a bad idea, but I have already accepted some money from her to sort the plumbing - that is probably the one job that really does need doing, and cost less than £500. I am just really scared about what she is trying to do. It is like she fears she is going to be on the periphery of their lives and is trying to ensure she won't be.

It's just not fair. I am alone, with money problems, huge responsibilities at home and at work, and now I just feel so vulnerable and threatened by her. I know I will have to try and pay back what I have had so far and refuse more, but I am worried how she and h will take that. I have never had a confrontation with her, and can't imagine one, but h will no doubt tell me how ridiculous and paranoid I am being. I am also worried that if I do start divorce proceedings, his mother will encourage him to 'get what he can' rather than walk away with nothing as he is now proposing if she senses I am not going to maintain the façade of an ideal family life that she wants.

I am really, really scared and feel so out of my depth. Please help.

Don't panic.

Ignore the 'why don't you come to Grandma's next time' comments - it is manipulation and is not worth your headspace. Just smile and non-committally say 'mmm, that would be nice'.

I think you need to act fast in relation to securing yours & your DC's house, and should get the ball rolling with that.

Your H was a shit for discussing the ins & outs of your marriage with his parents, but you know the underlying intention was to try to deflect blame for his actions. Ignore it - dignified all the way.

Why would you be discussing paying your MIL back with your H? Start saving up as much as you can, and pay her once the finacials with the house has been sorted.

It will be ok. It might be hard work to get there, but I am quite sure you are capable of it. Honestly.

Don't panic.

Remember that YOU are the one in control here. You really are. Why else do you think she would be grovelling, wanting you to be involved, being nice and inclusive?

I have more than an inkling that part of her fears are linked to the fact that she now knows her son is a weak link. He's crapped all over his marriage, she fears he'll walk out on her GC too. It's very telling, this approach of hers, you know. She knows she can't rely on her son. She needs you on side. That is a good position for you to be in.

Smile, nod, do nothing. Do NOTHING but get that house in your name NOW. Does MIL know about this plan? If so - it wouldn't hurt to make a few comments along the lines of, you'll be more settled when the house is in your name, and won't be afraid that you might have to end up moving a long long way away...

Oh, and the stuff about your marriage? Hah. What do you think most people would think, really, if they were faced with someone they know has just been busted for cheating on his wife and children and has been chucked out, go on about all the reasons he did it, and oooooh surprise none of it was his fault really, marriage was sooo shit, we had a rubbish sex life, etc.? Yes that's right. Pass me the salt cellar and that massive dessert spoon so that I can heap a big pinch of it right on my head. Yes, it's embarrassing and infuriating - but anyone with more than half a brain cell is going to be thinking 'Yeah - whatever you say!'

See a lawyer, get him to sign house over to you asap, before he changes his mind about wanting nothing

It is a difficult situation

It is very very very rare that a judge would accept a consent order where there was no provision for one of the parties. Financial remedy is no fault based. It may be that he has an order in which he receives money in the future, but there is very little chance that he will get nothing and that the house is just 'signed over'

If you want to keep the house you will also need to demonstrate that you can afford it.