Tough choice to make!

[tia2187]

I am 27 and have PCOS, ENDO and keep getting boughts of PID, I had a abnormal smear 6 months ago and had a loop biopsy, at this time I spoke to the doctor about conceiving in the future and they recommended that although I still had time to not sit on it for too long and ideally be trying by and around 30.
My partner a I sat and had a conversation a few nights ago about our relationship wants / goals going forward, it was at this point he made it very clear he could not see himself being ready for children for another 10 years, we have since gone over and over options and what to do (I don't want to stop him from achieving his goals work and travel based) but I could be risking my chances of conceiving.
I am so stuck with what to do and we keep coming back round to we will have to separate for us both to have what we want. I feel selfish but I cannot back down on wanting children if in fact I can actually conceive in the first place.
I am going to see my Doctor tomorrow to chat about ideal timescales and what risks are involved and the possibility to have some fertility tests.
If we do split up I would potentially be looking at going it alone in the next few years (time depending on what the doctors recommend) as I don't want to concentrate on looking for someone that wants the same but more concentrate on having a child and getting to become the mother I want to be so much.
I guess I am looking for people that have been through similar or can shed any light of what I should really do. It breaks my heart to do this to him and feel so sad that a perfectly good and happy relationship will end because of this.

It is a tough choice but if you are certain that you want a DC then it is a choice you'll have to make. It also means that despite everything else being right then this isn't the best relationship for you both as your goals are so different.

It will be hard to walk away but so much better that you do it now than try to change each others' minds or wait to see if either of you has an epiphany. Try not to think that you're 'doing it to him'. You are both deciding that you have different goals and although sad, that's ok.

Give him a few days first, to digest this (you obviously are less surprised as have been through the mill medically). You will see whether he sees this as your problem alone or as your problem as a couple. If he sees you with a future together, and is mature, he will really try to think about the choices he now faces. They no longer include satisfying his every whim and then having children at a time of his choosing.

My friend and I have both been in a similar situation. I was lucky and straight away my husband just took ttc sooner than was ideal in his stride, seeing my deadline as his too. My friend's partner was awful, made it all about him and whether he wanted to be with her. She met someone else not long after they split up and is now happy with two step children and one of their own.

His reaction will sort of show you the right thing to do, good luck!

Thanks I know it's the right thing to do really just having a though time explaining it to him and actually doing it.

His reaction so far has been, I know I will not be ready for children anytime in the next 5-6 years at a very minimum.
"But doesn't see why we have to deal with the situation yet."
But in the next breath he doesn't want to split up, he says he feels I am making him feel as though he is wasting my time.
Emotionally it's difficult as I don't want to hurt him but am the kind of person that needs to resolve a situation and not ignore it and deal with it another time.
I am hoping the doctor will be able to give me some clarity on timescales and relax me a little from that aspect.

I think you're wise to try to deal with the situation now, pushing down your concerns isn't healthy, it will be delaying the inevitable conversation and creates a precedent of you ignoring your genuine concerns because your DP doesn't yet share them.

Try to imagine the different possible scenarios and see how you would feel eg a)if you don't deal with the situation now and when you deal with it in the timescale your DP likes, he still doesn't want DCs and you do but you're now older and even more emotionally invested in the relationship with DP
b) you leave DP now because he isn't sure he wants DCs but then you don't have a DC on your own. Will you regret leaving DP?
c) you leave DP and you have a DC on your own.
d) you don't deal with the situation now and despite all evidence to the contrary your DP does decide he wants DCs when you next discuss it in a few years time (bearing in mind pregnancy may be less likely for you then because you have delayed) (I don't think this is an option you should invest much time in purely because it relies on ignoring what your DP is saying and hoping he changes his mind)

Think about how you would feel in each situation, make your peace with those emotions and then decide accordingly. I think you have to be careful not to put yourself in a situation where you could be resenting your DP because you don't have a DC. That would be a lot of resentment to carry, and a lot of regret.

Good luck with the doctor's appointment.

I am an old cynic, so a grain of salt here, but in that he did not give a clear Yes, then it is a No. Sorry.

..I know I will not be ready for children anytime in the next 5-6 years at a very minimum. This is him saying No, he doesn't want children. (Note the "minimum"...covering his backside for when 5-6 years fly by=gives him time to think of something else to put you off.)

"But doesn't see why we have to deal with the situation yet." Umm, it does not sound like he has much awareness for the process...or actually knows the process exactly and is playing dumb. That's a No.

But in the next breath he doesn't want to split up, he says he feels I am making him feel as though he is wasting my time. This is a tactic to make you back down. He is shaming you for making him feel responsible for the difficult circumstance he is putting you in (never mind the difficulties of your health on top of it all!!). You can not make him feel anything...all of his feelings (as for everyone) originate with him and his choices. Not nice, imho. He has it good with you, and doesn't want to have to begin again with someone else.

He is telling you he doesn't want children. Listen to him and make your decisions based on that. Do not anticipate that he will change because he won't.

Don't lose any sleep on I don't want to hurt him. He wouldn't lose any sleep if you stayed in the relationship for year after year hoping for a child and never getting one. Imho, you have reached a point of incompatibility and can part on good understanding of different life choices.