About to have baby.... am a loner. How do I make sure my DC will end up not being cut of from society

[daphnehoneybutt]

OK dramatic title there... Apologies as this is not a real problem compared with some of the really awful things people on this board are going through...

I am due in October. Live in a city where I don't really have any friends, neither does DH. Few acquaintances. Busy with work and tend to get my "socialising" quota from that. Also spend a lot of time with our sibling / parents and extended family away in their cities (they cant come to us for various reasons). Mates from school / uni visit us occasionally.

I am and have always been a loner. I cant really be bothered with the drama of new friendships or people making demands on my time. Especially "new" people. Sometimes I get a bit lonely but am generally OK with how things are. I have been burned in the past by people, when trying to make new friends. I am a confident friendly person who can talk to most people in a casual setting. I sometimes have friends to stay but am always glad when they go home iysim. I have always been this way just happy with my own company.

I am so worried I am going to end up with a DC who is socially isolated and has no friends. I just want them to grow up to be a "normal", happy child. I am also cacking it about being off on mat leave and losing my mind tbh. I have heard horror stories about baby groups being cliquey and am worried that I will be crazed with sleep deprivation and not at my best anyway.

Is anyone else come through the same and managed to not have a socially isolated time on mat leave and beyond - basically I just don't want my social failings to negatively impact my DC... Any tips would be gratefully received...

That was long - sorry!

Once they are at school, invite their friends over lots - their friends don't have to be yours, just be open to host and encourage parents to drop them off after the first time or two.

In the first year the baby doesn't need same age friends if you don't want to do baby groups - time with extended family and generally being out and about is enough socialing if its all you want. From end of maternity leave to school, if you are returning to work, child minder or nursery will give them a social circle :) Doesn't sound as though you plan to say so no need for baby group unless its what you want.

You might describe yourself as "a loner" but as you have a husband and have regular contact with your family you are anything but "cut off from society".

Babies and children have even less chance of being cut off as there are any number of health visitors, mother and baby groups, Sure Start and on and on and on to ensure they become part of a communiy. And that's all before they start nursery school/kindergarten.

Being happy with your own company does not make you an anti-social hermit.

Im assuming that you will be returning to work, so your LO will socialise plenty in childcare! DD is a right little social.butterfly, regardless of the fact that I hate Groups.

• doesn't sound as if you plan to stay home, not 'say no'

I'm pretty antisocial, much preferring my own company, but take the little ones to playgroup when I can, just so that they're able to mingle with others.

Don't worry, it sounds as though you're far from being lonely.

Honestly... they aren't cognitively able to play with each other until at least age 3, later for boys. They just play in parallel to each other until then. Until age 3, their brain development is all about that primary attachment (usually with Mummy!) and how they interact with them.

At age 3-4, you can put DC into playgroup/nursery and he or she will make loads of friends if that's their thing. You don't need to go to baby groups. Honestly.

Just take baby out with you to do shopping, go to library together, enjoy having occasional friends coming to stay, enjoy trips to see family, greet cashiers and shop assistants in a friendly way to set the example for DC, chat to DC about stuff, involve DC as and when they just do what you would normally do and it will be fine. That is how children are socialised, by just observing Mum living a normal life.

Teaching DC to enjoy their own quiet company/company of family is as much of a life skill as anything else.

You have good family relationships and live what I presume is a peaceful life with DH... I don't think you would be described as having "social failings"...!

YY to point about childcare

i love being on my own, have one or two closeish friends, am not much into family, love to just chill on the sofa of an evening with DH... enjoy being with people i know, not really interested in making loads of friends, barely went to baby groups.

DCs all started childcare at age 1 ish... all social butterflies!

I'm being a fanny I know. Plan is the DC will go to a few full days of nursery from about 10 months... I am hoping there they can make some little friends but interestingly it sounds like they will not really need that thestamp...

I am just worried I guess! Thank you all.

Its an off quoted over generalisation that they only play in parallel til age 3 though - I have 3 kids and that is true of one but very much not true for the other 2 (one girl, one boy) who absolutely did play "with" rather than parallel to friends from around 24 months. Saying they are "cognitively unable" to play together til 3 or 4 is as innacurate as saying they are physically unable to walk before 11 months - many can't but a good sized minority walk by 8 or 9 months... Bug bear of mine!

*off not off

OP you sound happy in your own company and have sociable times with various people, sounds fine to me.

I am quite unsociable yet both my sons are very popular, in team sports and have a good network of many friends.

Just keep an open mind, let them join groups and activities, sports teams etc. and they will find the level they are comfortable with. I was very isolated as a child in a very small family, and it means I am more than happy with my own company a lot of the time.

I think it's about what environment children grow up in, the friends they meet, the school they go to, what activities are available in the local area etc. which shows them their options. Then just encourage them. And it's human nature to seek out friends and form relationships...so I'm sure it'll all be fine.

I used to worry about this too but my dd is very sociable and when we are in the park or soft play she's always running up to kids! They make their own friends, long as you don't shut them in the house all day. I really do think it depends on the child nature as I never been friends with mothers.