Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Have you ever had feelings for a friend's husband?

25 replies

iknowimabitch · 26/08/2014 16:42

I know, I know. I shouldn't and it's wrong and true friends don't have feelings for their pal's husbands. But...I'm worried that I do. He has been overly friendly and, to be honest, so was I. I liked the attention. But, now I have stopped encouraging it and I miss it. And that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be a bitch, but I know that he would fool about with me if I let him. He has said that he would. The thought makes me feel sick (because it is so wrong) but I considered it. I actually considered it!! It's so bad and I hate myself. What do I do?

OP posts:

CatKisser · 26/08/2014 16:46

You've already way overstepped the mark by discussing what you'd both like to get up to.
Avoid situations where you're alone with him, and I assume you're not in text contact?
Just don't get into this, you'll destroy your poor friend.

mampam · 26/08/2014 16:49

I think you just like the attention this guy is giving you and if a single guy was giving you the same attention you would be equally as flattered.

Go and find yourself someone who has integrity, loyalty and who isn't prepared to cheat on his family.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 16:51

Are you in a relationship yourself? Are you lonely and lacking affection? It's not illegal to fancy someone inappropriate. It doesn't make you a bad person to flirt. Feeling sick and hating yourself is a bit hysterical/childish but doesn't achieve very much positive. However, now you know that this man is a sleaze and if you are friends with his DW then you're going to have to give them all a wide berth.... for your own sake rather than anyone else's. Find affection and attention elsewhere.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 26/08/2014 16:53

Well you need to choose, your friend or her Dh?

Theoldhag · 26/08/2014 16:59

One of the things that set us apart in the animal kingdom is that 'we' (humans) have the ability to choose with regards to our actions.

Where focus goes energy follows

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/08/2014 17:07

Stay away from both of them. You've already gone too far as it is.

BolshierAyraStark · 26/08/2014 17:56

You sound like a great friend & he sounds like a wonderful husband poor woman ending up with you two.

Steer clear & get the attention you clearly seek from someone unattached.

cafesociety · 26/08/2014 18:08

Yes I have. We had a conversation once at a party about if we hadn't married our spouses we would have liked to have married each other!

The four of us were all friends at the time we got married and neither of us had any idea we liked each other, a lot.

The conversation was about 7 years later.

In our case my friend knew he had a soft spot for me, so did my husband and we just all had a laugh about it after the conversation. It happens.

The difference here is that my friends husband was a thoroughly decent man and nothing else was said, suggested or done and it wasn't mentioned again. His decency was one of the things I liked about him, and I had bucket loads of respect for my friend and husband and the four children we had between us by that time.

CharlotteCollins · 26/08/2014 18:11

Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them.

In fact, what you need to do is act very definitely in the opposite direction.

It is very hard, because whatever you say about feeling sick, there is a kind of exhilaration mixed in.

So are you going to be true to your morals, or are you going to do the animal thing Theoldhag (sure she's not) mentioned and get swept off your feet, claiming no doubt, "I couldn't help it."?

merlincat · 26/08/2014 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

50KnockingonabiT · 26/08/2014 18:21

The only feelings I've had for a friends husband was wanting to punch him in the face, he's such a git!

I'd be cutting contact with the husband as much as possible.

Men come and go, but friends are hard to find.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 26/08/2014 18:24

Well, without wishing to sound unkind, cut out the drama. In the end, you didn't fool around with him. Good, because he is clearly a tosser.

Now avoid him, and keep it very off-hand and low-key if you do see him. No huddling together for anguished discussions about how you are feeling about it all, 'Oh no, we mustn't!' etc. Distract yourself, put it behind you.

AMessageToYouRudie · 26/08/2014 18:42

Don't beat yourself up, but don't let yourself down either...
raise the bar and keep your friend, I think its the attention, more than him IYSWIM....

Muddlewitch · 26/08/2014 18:56

People have feelings all the time....they thing is knowing which ones to act on.

This is one you shouldn't, but I am sure you know that already. You would destroy that woman and for what? The 'prize' of a man that tries it on with his wife's friend, and thinks of nothing other than what is in his pants.

You are an adult, you make choices. There is no 'can't help it' among two fully grown adults that make an informed choice to do something that is wrong, and that has horrific implications for someone they both profess to care about.

Twinklestein · 26/08/2014 19:04

A friend of mine's husband fancies me (according to her - well tbf it's fairly obvious). I don't find it flattering I just find it annoying - I end up avoiding them both. I would lose all respect for him for good if I thought he would 'fool about' with me. Ugh.

I'm assuming you're single otherwise you wouldn't care.

I suppose it depends what you value more - being someone's bit on the side, or a friend.

Apocalypto · 26/08/2014 19:13

We had a conversation once at a party about if we hadn't married our spouses we would have liked to have married each other!

Extraordinary thing to have done, right there. What were you thinking???

In the end, you didn't fool around with him. Good, because he is clearly a tosser.

As bad as the OP in fact.

Feel sorry for your friend, wouldn't want to be your enemy.

WildBillfemale · 26/08/2014 19:58

Never - I subconciously put friends husbands in the 'Brother' dept.

bigTillyMint · 26/08/2014 20:01

Same, WildBill.

Step away - he sounds like a twat anyway.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/08/2014 21:12

It doesn't matter how gorgeous , intelligent and kind my friends dhs are I could never fancy them. As Wild says , I would put them in the. 'brother' dept.
OP, you know what you have to do

CharlotteCollins · 26/08/2014 21:47

Actually, I did once and a friend did, too. In both our cases, it seemed after the feeling went away that it had been because our own relationships were lacking. It wasn't those men - and when our own relationships were sorted (erm, by leaving them, in both our cases!) the feelings just went away. Don't know what I saw in him now. Would be hideous if I'd done something.

FoolishFay · 27/08/2014 00:17

A woman, who had been my best friend for more than two years actively pursued my DH. It was crucifying as I had to face her in a tiny village school playground every day. However, word got around and I think she has been shocked how other people in our mutual circle felt about her behaviour. She is a very lonely figure now and I feel almost sorry for her. And then I remember....

FoolishFay · 27/08/2014 00:18

fortyplus · 27/08/2014 00:23

Agree with the 'Brother' comment. I was friendly with a couple who divorced. I've continued to see both of them socially and get on really well with the xh. But I just don't think of him in 'that way'. Bloody shame because we've both been single since then, but it seems that it's a line we can't cross even though they're no longer together!

MexicanSpringtime · 27/08/2014 02:43

I have been attracted to friends' husbands loads of times, but what always found most attractive about them is what wonderful husbands and fathers they are. I never showed my feelings and I'm certain they weren't reciprocated. But if they had been the attraction on my part would, by its very nature, have immediately died.

MerryMarigold · 27/08/2014 03:26

I'd say you are attracted to the attention rather than to him.

Actually, I hope that's the case, because it doesn't sound like there's much that's attractive about him as a person. Someone who flirts to that extent behind his wife's back? NICE.

If you're purely attracted to the way he looks, time to start digging a little bit deeper. Nothing wrong with a good looking guy, but there's a lot more to it than that.

Flip