Moving into a house partner shared with ex wife and then ex girlfriend

[waitingformychance]

Anyone done this or thoughts on this.

My current situation is I moved in with dp into his house about 3 months ago, BUT I am finding it feels a bit too weird.

He has lived in the house for about 20yrs , bought it with his now ex wife, then very shortly after divorce moved a much younger girl in very quickly , that lasted a couple of years, but now theres me. I guess it just feels like I'm on a conveyor belt ! if that makes sense.

He was keen for me to move in quickly and I did explain it seems this is just what he does - like to move quickly, but after more chats it seemed the right thing to do. He says we feel different to his past .

Thing is now it does feel a little uncomfortable , if the childish ex isn't ringing at midnight when drunk , her parents turn up for a chat, or I come across his ex wifes private medical letters and ex g/fs payslips,college work etc

His house is a mess with lots of crap he just keeps, but it just feels really weird and I can't put my finger on exactly why.

I was wondering what other people have felt about this sort of situation.
I might just be over reacting

How would he feel about having a clear out of all the crap he just keeps. And change a few other things too, to suit your tastes. If he is not ok with this idea, then ... run for the hills. He is just shipping you in as another woman without being prepared to accommodate you as a unique individual.

I don't get it. How long have you been together?

Why was the only option you moving into his house? You guys should be moving in a new space for both of you. He needs to either sell the house and buy something new which you can both move into, or rent the house out and find a new smaller place for you two to live.

If he isn't willing to make that sort of commitment, then why the fuck are you living together?

What he is doing is basically trying to make his own life easier by bringing you into the fold, rather than both of you reaching out and compromising 50/50. He just wants you to adapt to his life without having to change fuck all in return. And that is unfair.

In all honesty I would tell him that living in the house that has already homed his ex and ex wife feels way too creepy for you. You will move out and if he is serious about living together then you would be happy to look for somewhere to rent together while he rents out the house.

It does seem fucking creepy to be living in a house that he has already got substantial memories of other women with.

Oh, and that line about you feeling "different to his past"?

Guarantee he has said that to every single girlfriend he has ever had. Ever.

How long have you been in a relationship with this man?

To be honest, if my privacy was being intruded upon to the extent that the ex was on the phone at night, HER PARENTS turning up and the house full of other people's clutter I'd be feeling like I was on the conveyor belt, too. It's weird and it's creepy.

Urgh, creepy. Yyy to conveyor belt

He wasn't ready to move in with you. He was ready for you to slot into his life.

I'd move out ASAP, tell him it has moved too fast too soon and you don't want to live with the constant ghosts of previous relationships.

Then only move in somewhere with him when that involves getting rid of the old house and getting a new one together.

How much space did he make for your stuff?

I'v been with him a year, his ex g/f has always been a hassle - shes got married since, but she's not grown up enough to not just go away.

But she never had a life and just tagged along with his when they were together, so if we are to go to somewhere he likes - she would normally be there. So I've shyed away from these situations and Im beginning to feel a bit trapped that I dont want nothing to do with his past, but maybe this is because its in my face more than I want it to be!?

I think the problem could be summed up as 'baggage'... and he appears to have more than Heathrow. He is deliberately not making enough of a break with his past - not moving house, decluttering, setting better boundaries, dropping contact etc - and therefore his past is a big part of who he is and probably will be for quite some time.

Have you made any attempt to personalise your home? Have you discussed redecorating or de-cluttering. Or are you discouraged from doing so? Is it very much 'his house' still?

He doesn't want to "upset anyone" - that's why the baggage is still there . He has changed his mobile number and now ignores her calls , but she is persistant! and her parents calling in is annoying to say the least - but at the end of the day its not my house I guess

He has said I can change things but if I do and still the same baggage pitches up is there much change ? Will a few new curtains,plates etc make a difference ??? I am confused and not sure how to change things so the reminder is not always there !?

But the situation is upsetting you, so he is not achieving his desire to not upset anyone.

Is he willing for both of you to change a few things? I'm wondering if it's a case of woman = home maker and so it's really not his responsibility to make a joint decision about decorating, changing furniture etc.

Ah, he doesn't want to upset anyone... apart from you.

So what do you conclude from that?

I'd move out. Yes, I think you are on a conveyor belt. He likes having you around, nice easy life, you slot into place just there please.

Move out and tell him he shows that he's committed to YOU, not just having his next girlfriend move conveniently in.

His response will tell you what you need to know.

Doesn't want to upset anyone - or can't be bothered to tidy up?

Hills that way >>>>>>

I would not have moved in to his house, I would wish to make an 'our' home away from past. My feelings on people that maintain an energetic link to their ex's in the manner that he is doing would be to walk away. I strongly believe that a new partnership needs a new and fresh beginnings.

How reversible is your moving in?

I couldn't contemplate cohabiting again, ever. I could not put myself in such a vulnerable position as to reside in someone else's space permanently. But then I'm an independent cat-lady with undertones of claustrophobia in the presence of humans ...

But that's me, not you .. soooo ... are you sure about this move?

It's weird - You are supposed to have embarked on a shared life with future plans but all that has happened is that you've moved into his current existence.

If he's serious about a future with you ask him to sell the house and start afresh.
re the ex ringing him - he needs to tell her to stop, he has a new partner now and it's innapropriate and if she doesn't he needs to complain to the police.
He should also have chucked out all signs of the exes to make you feel welcome when you moved in.

I'd move out until he's filed away his baggage firmly in the past.

You moved in after 9 months? That is pretty quick. I'm not going to say too soon, I'm not you, but I will say very quick. It's all very well to say this is what he does - it's what you do too!

Living together isn't always an act of permanent commitment. It can just be convenient and see how it goes. I did it once - ex had his own place, I was renting, about to take up a 6 month work stint nearer to him ( coincidence) and he said - let's try it out. He's an ex now, but he was fab, we just weren't right together.

If I were just seeing how it goes, I wouldn't go through all the hassle and cost of renting out and renting together, or selling up.

Sounds like you just moved out of rented?

I don't think he should be expected to move - although he should consider it if you want it.

I've used ex girlfriend's hair dryers - that sort of thing doesn't bother me at all. I wouldn't care about finding their paperwork (done that) except in sense I don't like needless clutter. That it was an ex wouldn't bother me.

The thing that would bother me in your case is the ex stil calling up etc. The parents sound very odd!

But you know, it's him that hasn't been firm with her. And you call her childish, but he chose a much younger woman. So I'm a little bit pinch-of-salt about all that.

Just move back out - why not? Your instinct are telling you something, and I don't think it's the ex wife's curtains, it's the current closeness of the ex gf.