assertiveness/being a doormat

[iloverunning36]

I always seem to find myself doing whatever anyone wants me to and wondered how to go about becoming less of a people pleaser when I am surrounded by people who are very strong willed about getting their own way and who are accustomed to me always "bending" to what they want.

Today my sister texted at half 10 invite me to lunch at 12 saying my brother and dad would be there. I am miffed because I feel that if she really wanted me there she would have asked me at the same time as she asked the others, plus I have 3 children the youngest of whom is 6 months so I need to plan to take a bottle and his lunch Etc with me. This is not an isolated incident, she always invites me as an afterthought and expects me to go to her house using her 2 kids routine as a reason. When I have tried to discuss it with her it tends to get out of hand and we fall out.

It is a similar situation with my best friend and also my husband, they always want everything on their terms and I end up giving in and feeling resentful or getting my own way and feeling guilty. How do I strike a balance? I have started pausing to think before agreeing to stuff but more often than not they try to talk me round. Sometimes I feel like people just want to use me and aren't bothered about me.

I am training myself to say "I'll check the calendar and get back to you" when I'm asked to do something I don't want to do. Then I can respond by text which takes the pressure off. If I have agreed under pressure I let myself change my mind via text. I know this is a wimpy way to deal with things but I am looking at it as baby steps to becoming more assertive.

I have this book which I must reread but one good thing I remember from it is that assertive people say what they want to say (yes/no/I don't want to...) with the knowledge that the other person may accept it or be angry. I think when you are passive you always want the other person to be happy.

I think you strike a balance by starting out with something that to you will feel unreasonable at first. 'No' for example - or 'no thank you' if you want to be polite. Don't complain, explain or engage in discussion but keep with 'no' until the other person gets the message. Deal with any guilt by telling yourself that if someone else wants to fall out just because you've turned them down politely then that is entirely their problem, not yours. Getting your own way is not a bad thing. Being used and taken for granted is.

In this example, just reply 'Can't make it today, not enough notice. Maybe next time'.

That is assertive - it's honest, it's not blaming anyone, it's not apologising for something that is not your fault and it keeps the option open to meet up another time.

If you do this consistently, with everyone, people will start to treat you better.

If you are annoyed that there wasn't enough notice, say so. It's ok to say how you feel - 'I feel annoyed that I have only just been asked because I would have liked to have come but that is not enough notice so I won't be able to this time. Next time please give me more notice as I would love to join you'.

Bear in mind though, that it might have been a last minute arrangement for everyone so make sure you have your facts straight.

Instead of thinking of situations as win or lose, try just stating your position assertively and leaving it to them to decide whether to change or not. So you could say to your sister, "I'd love to have come, but I can't get ready in time today. Hopefully next time." That says to her, I'm not going to drop everything and run - and opens the door to her to invite you with more notice next time. Maybe she won't, but you will feel better for standing up for yourself in a friendly way.

This book explains it better than I do - it's oft recommended on MN and is very good.

:o X-post with Fairenuff!

I always say i will check my calendar with regard to invites and extra work.Also dont accept invitations and feel resentful as no one wants anyone doing something begrudgingly.
Next time they will let you in on the invite sooner if they think you wont go oterwise it will just be a case of good old iloverunning she will turn up however late we tell her.

I'm not sure. To be honest, I've never had much of a problem saying no to things or people. If they try and persuade me I listen to their arguments, and then think if it makes things any more appealing for me. If it doesn't, then I just say no again. If they get pissed off then that's their problem. They should respect how I feel and my decisions. Falling out with people isn't the end of the world. Normally after a while you both forget about it and move on. And if they still act like douchebags after a while then they are simply immature and not worth worrying about anyway.

I think the biggest part of it is self confidence and self respect (that's not exactly what I mean but I can't think of a better way of putting it). Basically you have to know and genuinely believe that your feelings are worth just as much as the other person's. So if you genuinely don't want to do something, and the other person gets pissy about it...well that's not your problem and it's not worth sacrificing your feelings for.

In the instance above you should just reply "No thanks - not enough notice to get things sorted on this end. Have fun!". You don't know that this wasn't a last minute thing. But you're in no way obligated to rush around to get there if it's a pain in the arse for you.

If she always arranges meetings, then it's really her perogative if she wants to invite people over. If you want to meet elsewhere or at your house, then you should be the one sending the invitations. If she tries to change it to her house using her kids as an excuse just be honest and say "I appreciate it's much easier to stick to the kid's routine at your house, but you aren't the only one with children in the family. Plus you should have a break from playing hostess - the responsibility shouldn't fall squarely on you!"

Of course there's always compromise - especially with your husband. But without examples it's difficult to give any advice.

If it's something you really don't want to do for example, then you say no and give your reasons. If he persists, then you can say "okay, but in return I want to do X together next weekend". If he doesn't hold up to his end of the bargain then you point out he is being selfish.

The idea of doing a whole bunch of things you don't want to, just to please other people, is very strange to me.

Are you scared that they won't like you if you say no?

I hate falling out with people and with my sister I just don't feel heard. We fell out over my wanting to babysit her kids for a weekend at my house rather than hers and have only just started talking now 2 years on. At the time I tried to explain how hard it would be to look after her kids at her house for myself and my kids as I was a single mother at the time and about to start a new job but she just twisted it all saying I was offensive to dismiss all the help my mum gave me with the kids and I chose to have a career (I was trying to point out I always have a lot to do at the weekends and its a juggling act with a job which I had to pay mortgage - she is fortunate enough to be a sahm) the resulting fall out caused a big rift between myself and the rest of the family with my mum putting a lot of pressure on me to back down (although she admitted my sister is out of touch with reality) I just don't want all that again but don't want to put myself and my kids last so I guess what I am really asking is for tips to establish boundaries which have not previously been there. Thanks for all the tips, very helpful and I've ordered the book

I'd second the recommendations for the Boundaries book. It's very good. There's also a book about being a people pleaser which gives helpful tasks and steps at the end of each chapter.
The Disease To Please

The boundaries issue isn't just about you not saying 'no'. It is also about the people around you not accepting or recognising your right to say 'no'. Your family will probably rebel against you at first because they are used to you bending to please them but after that initial period of adjustment, it will be worth it.

iirc one of the first exercises in the Disease to Please book is about just saying 'no'. You don't follow up with reasons or excuses because they open the door for further negotiation. It's a good starting technique.

Sounds a bit of a nightmare, tbh! Good luck with the book.

Thank you. I have ordered the boundaries book on my kindle and about to start reading it.