First steps in OD after Long and crap Marriage: help needed

[Handywoman]

OK so I have been separated about 15months and see my counsellor weekly to explore why I settled for so little for so long, and to start connecting me and my feelings. I am still not great at this but getting better!

For the first time got messaged to by a lovely man online, and felt really keen to meet which we did on Friday. We had a lovely evening chatting, laughing and at the end of the date I really liked him and felt like I wanted to get to know him better, although I was quite nervous. He made it very clear he is VERY interested in me. We saw each other again yesterday, we seem to have covered a lot of ground very quickly, we both surprised ourselves by how much we disclosed, and how much we have in common. We have had quite frank discussions about the nuts-and-bolts of our past stories (which are quite strangely parallel) and I told him where I am at emotionally (ie petrified about what all this means). It has moved pretty fast. He is fab guy, is an unashamed romantic and can read me quite well and is full of compliments. I am enjoying all this so far on some levels, and trying not to over-think, EXCEPT:

He is so keen and keeps suggesting meeting up the next day. I can't really handle this. When he left last night after a lovely day he went all soppy and said 'I'd really like to see you again' I was not expecting him to say (as we are clearly getting on well!) which freaked me out. I would much rather have seen him be relaxed and friendly and 'see you in the week' which would have seemed a lot less needy.

Physically I am a bit freaked by being with someone physically unfamiliar. Does this mean 'I am not that into him' physically or is this to be expected after 15years with one man (a twat, but a 15years monogamous-with-me-twat).

Despite my reservations I am completely shocked I have met such a fab and lovely person online, I thought I would meet a million tossers!

So confusing. Help me figure all this out, please..............

Speaking from my own experience following marriage of a similar length as yours... Be careful, he is sounding too needy and your alarm bells are kicking in. Go with your instincts and don't just get swept along with it, keep boundaries and take your time.. Soppy? Hmm, wouldn't be for me.. But great you are testing the waters. When he suggested meeting the next day, what did you say? Do you feel you can say no?

Hi

You refer to needing to "connect" yourself and your feelings, being "petrified at what it means", being "freaked out", and having "reservations". These could be your instincts giving you a heads-up warning! What does your counsellor say? I would put this to them (if you haven't already) and see what they say in light of the work they have been doing with you. It could just be understandable nervousness at the possibility of starting a new relationship after so long with one person, but then again, and especially if your last relationship was dysfunctional or abusive (depends what you mean when you say your ex was a "twat"!) then you could be vulnerable to falling for another unsuitable man.

This new man could be "lovely", "romantic" etc and a perfect partner for you. However, some men come across this way initially as it creates emotional hooks which they use to reel you in quickly. This can especially be the case when there is a lot of sharing and high emotion very soon after meeting someone. Once you are hooked, this facade can drop and their true manipulative, controlling nature takes over.

Sorry, I don't want to be the voice of doom and gloom, but it is worth being wary as you seem to be feeling quite vulnerable from what you write.

If he is "fab" and especially after you have shared your history and how you are feeling emotionally with him, then he will understand your need to take things slowly. Set some boundaries that you feel comfortable with eg how often would you like to see him? Once a week? Twice a week? If he is as keen as you say and an understanding (potential) partner then he will respect this and take things at your pace so as not to make you feel rushed, pressured or uncomfortable. Time will tell, so don't be afraid to take things at a speed you are comfortable with. A good man won't push you for more than you are ready for.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

God yes, you are so right. Spot on. My instincts are kicking in..... God you lot would have saved me from a lot of crap in my marriage, you lot are better than counselling!!!!!!

He has just texted me (third text today) asking if I would like to chat on the phone later... actually I would not! Have good friends coming over shortly. So I text him back about my day and left it at that. I hope that he won't now text until this evening.

I agree with the PPs.

My own radar has become more finely honed over the last few months and there are definite alarm bells ringing in your OP.

Even if this guy isn't abusive or manipulative and even if he hasn't intentionally targeted you for your vulnerabilities, he isn't reading your signals and he isn't aware of how he is coming across to you.

I've met a number of men who are 'needy'. A lot of them think a woman will like it because, well, we women want a bit of romance and a man who is in touch with his emotions, don't we? Except that needy men are a bit like velcro babies and it's difficult to unpeel them from you when you want/need to. Velcro babies grow up, needy men hold on tighter.

It can feel quite flattering when someone pays you this much attention and when you seem to click with someone quite well, but when you consider your own situation; your own vulnerabilities; your own 'baggage', do you really want to get involved with someone who has a similar level of their own, but who might not be dealing with it as appropriately? (e.g. through counselling)

(Just for clarity, I separated from an EA wrong on so many levels marriage nearly 2 years ago. I did OD too so have some insight into your situation)

Not saying it's definitely wrong, or he's a bad man, but if it doesn't feel comfortable for you, right now, the way it is then that is wrong.

Thanks, Mavis

My ex was low level EA and uninterested in me as a person the moment I pushed a baby out of my fanjo.

I believe I still really need to work on myself.

He called this evening, we had a relaxed chat. I changed the next date night, moved it back to Thurs. He was completely fine about it. I will be seeing my counsellor on Thursday.

I will seek to closely monitor everything and stay totally comfortable from now on.