I don't know where to put this, and it'll be long.
Despite me earning a decent salary (teacher) we have always struggled and can't get on our feet. We have been on an interest only mortgage while the DCs were babies to allow me to work PT (0.5). I have supplemented this from saving and budgeting prior to both maternity leaves, early returns to work, examining contracts (starting when DS was 10 weeks old), tuition and supply. I have worried a lot about our finances since having DCs. It's really tainted the experience tbh.
The idea was that DH was supposed to improve his lower income by looking for / working towards a better paid career. He hasn't done this - until I emailed him a link and specifically asked him to phone re a sideways move into a job with better prospects last week, he had never called about a job or written a CV, much less applied for anything. He doesn't fancy anything except what he wants to do. He doesn't actually want to do the job he's in but it's easy.
The job he eventually phoned about last week was a no go at the moment as he has no portfolio. He hasn't produced anything, and is very late on a project he offered to do for friends of mine, free of charge, so doesn't have that.
To be fair to him DH is a good dad and pulls his weight at home, albeit slowly.
To get us into a position where we can start to pay off some capital (we have no equity either) I have now accepted a FT teaching position. The school is a very good one in the area as has more stringent expectations than my previous employer, and rightly so. The problem is that having already spent hours planning over the holidays, I just don't know how I'm going to sustain it and be available for the DCs (4 and nearly 2).
Last night I did a plan and rota for everything that needs to be done over the course if a week. I don't have massively high standards re housework but at the same time I can't live in a shithole mess so I have to factor some in. There's a bit of exercise but nothing like what I'd like to do. School work every night and half a day at the weekend.
To add to the stress my DM, who is my closest companion after DH, is seriously ill with advanced cancer. She has her next scan in mid Sept with the results a week or so after. Even though she is alone and I'm he next of kin I don't feel that I can ask for time off so soon and I'm not sure how sympathetic the HT at my new school will be to family issues, her own DH always having been a SAHP so she has never had to take such responsibilities. As such I'm going to have to wait until the end if the day to hear how she's got on and if the news is not good, like last time, I will have to pick myself up and get back to work for the rest of the week.
After work, food, bedtime and evening work I can only really go to DM on afternoon a week at the weekend, and even then I will have both DCs so DH can at least make an attempt to get a portfolio together.
I feel like I've done the wrong thing trying to carry this family. It's no way for family life to be. Too often lately I'm woken by DD before 4am then she settles back down and I'm awake worrying for the rest of the night. I haven't even started the job yet and I'm exhausted. The DCs aren't good sleepers but now that feels like the lead of my worries.
I feel that I need to get the house on the market. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. It feels like I'm holding a massive and catastrophic breakdown back and if I can't work we couldn't meet out monthly outgoings on DH's wage by at least £600.
Am I overreacting? Any advice please?