Is it normal that my husband isn't interested in sex?

[Daisym0use]

My DH just doesn't seem interested in sex. Were both early 40's with 2dc. We probably have sex 3-4 times a month but i honestly feel like he could take it or leave it.
He's obsessed with training and I feel he uses all his energy on that and I come way down the list.
I've just been looking for tips to excite him but it seems pointless when he just isn't interested in the first place. I look after myself and try to get his attention by wearing nice underwear but it seems to go unnoticed. My friends talk about their DHs pestering them for sex and I think 'if only'
I'm ok about it most of the time but sometimes like now my self esteem is really low.
He is lovely in every other way and I would never look elsewhere. Maybe I just need to know if this is normal

Not all men have a high sex drive or maintain one as they get older. Can you have a chat over a cuppa (not in bed as that can seem too heavy) about what are his fantasies / turns him on. Try to giggle about it making it light hearted. This could start him thinking and give you ideas. Go gently as any pressure could make it worse.

Thanks heyho I'll give that a try. I do find it hard to talk to him about because he thinks it's ok. I know people have much worse problems than us because other than this he couldn't be more lovely.
Sometimes I think he sees me as a cuddly teddy bear and sometimes I want to be his sexy wife. He's not very adventurous either. I've bought really naughty underwear and tried a few things to spice it up. As I say though he's obsessed with training and I feel he saves all his energy up! Maybe I'm just being unreasonable but I just want to feel wanted

I don't go for the softly softly approach, Daisymouse...take the bull by the horns and tell him how you feel! Why all this tiptoeing around? How is someone supposed to know how you feel unless you tell them? You value your marriage, value your sex life, so tell the man. Find out why, this is significant. Stop saying what you feel here, and tell him. Not talking leads to resentment and ultimately the break down of a marriage. You can't work together if you keep secrets from each other. Get in that boat and have the courage to rock it!

If he is so lovely, why doesn't he want to be intimate/ sexually affectionate more often with you?

Really wise words gold silver and I know you're right.
I really don't know why he doesn't want to which I guess is why I thought I'd ask on here. I feel like he just can't be bothered. I thought if was men who were supposed to moan about lack of sex after marriage! I'm not a nymphomaniac I just miss the intimacy and the excitement!

I think a straw poll would probably support the idea that actually once a week or so is reasonably normal for couples your age and together for that length of time. Quality over quantity, if you like. If you don't feel wanted or you feel insecure or you feel that you're taking second place to something else , that's something rather different to sex. Are you affectionate with each other when you're not having sex? Is the relationship intimate with touching, hand-holding, cuddles and compliments? Do you create time to be together and prioritise each other?

If you feel you're being taken for granted, excluded or that you do not hold his attention any more, you have to talk to each other. Sex is just one expression of intimacy.

Sports training is meant to increase testosterone levels, which would seem incompatible with a "meh" sex drive.

From your post, it sounds more like it's his attitude and approach to sex that bothers you, rather than how many times you are actually having it. I assume it's you who makes the first move, and you feel like he just goes along with it to humour you?

I think you need to have a calm but frank conversation about this. I don't recommend all that softly softly catchy monkey crap. He is a grown man, not a delicate little flower.

The difficult thing is to practise the conversation in your head so you don't come across as accusatory.

Kaykay I think you may well have hit the nail on the head! Everything you've said puts it into words better than I could!
Yes he's extremely affectionate which makes me feel like he doesn't see me in a sexual way if that makes sense.
I feel silly moaning about this when a lot of ladies have problems with abusive husbands etc
Anyway hubby has just called and suggested we go out tonight just the two of us. Sounds like as good an opportunity as any to tell him how I feel

Do he take anybody building steroids? They can have a big impact on libido.

I too Thought the exercise would give him a higher sex drive so that confuses me too

Good luck Op, I hope it works out for you, but I should add, men are visceral, visual, blunt, straightforward creatures. We work well with blatant stuff, not wishy washy vague suggestions (although such suggestions might well seem to a female like being rightupfrontinyerfacegoforit...)

Be bold! Don't be all fluffy and pretty pretty, well, erm, if you don't mind, erm, I was thinking, erm, perhaps we could, errr, you know... cos he really will not have a clue.

Seriously, some men need telling. Most men love the idea of being married to a (not too overly) demanding sex kitten. Best wishes.

It might be that he has a bit of a whore//madonna complex.

In so much as, beforehand, you were his partner, but now that you have had children, you are The Mother Of His Children type thing.

I'm not saying it's the case, but it used to be a very common thing amongst men. It's basically a case of seeing a woman as the role that she performs, rather than an individual in her own right.

It's basically sexist garbage.

Thanks Eakaman, extremely useful to have a mans perspective. He did actually say to me several times in the early days that I need to be blunt in general as he isn't good at picking up signals!
No fraggle pretty sure he'd never take steroids so that wouldn't explain it.

I don't think he means to make me feel bad maybe he just doesn't have a high sex drive.
I've found all your posts really helpful thankyou and looking at other peoples problems on here has put mine into perspective. Think I'll have a good talk with him tonight but also thank my lucky stars that I have a lovely kind DH

When you say training, do you mean body building?