I posted another thread the other day but it was very long, won't link to it. In short, a particularly nasty argument had got me doubting the whole relationship. DP of nine years, and father of my two children had apologised, but only grudgingly.
We talked just now by phone and I said I wanted to learn how to communicate differently so that we didn't fight so badly, but also that thinking about this had made me reflect on other areas of our relationship and I wanted to make other positive changes. As an example I mentioned each having a lie-in on the weekend (I do 95% of weekend mornings I would say atm).
After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing around domestic chores and managing money and so on, he said he thought we should have a trial separation because he had tried but couldn't be everything I wanted. We live in separate houses since moving out of London (he has a flat there for when he works there) so this is easy in practical terms.
I had started to feel that I might want to separate, but I really wasn't sure. I also really wanted to have a happy family and to continue to see him with the children - he is very good with them and I love to see them together and discuss them with him; but I wasn't sure how happy I would be if I continued on bearing little resentments and if we kept having these huge arguments.
Anyway, now I have tears streaming down my face. I feel so bad for my DS who asks, "Daddy?" every time we come back to the house as it is, and now won't see him probably for weeks. I feel so sad that it has come to this and that neither of us fought to save things. I really want to get the kitchen clean for the morning but I pick things up then forget what I am doing and put them down again and can't stop crying.