Really struggling to let go

[MrBroken]

So I've posted a few times.

My wife had an affair last year either side of our wedding with one of my friends. I know this behaviour is terrible but because we have kids we have had to maintain contact. With this we have gradually improved relations.

Part of me really wants her back but part of me can't get over what she has done. Still I feel like my emotions are all over the place.

Today was a perfect example, we spend the whole day together with the kids, had a really lovely time but when it comes to her leaving I just feel sad. I really miss her. Thing is she doesn't want to reconcile but wants to go through counselling to see where her head is at.

Whenever I cut off contact I feel good after a few days but when I see her again I feel like I start the clock all over again.

I've read Chump Lady's advice on No Contact and know this is probably the best thing to do but I am struggling to let go, of her, our relationship and the thoughts of what it could have been.

Any advice?

You are grieving.Its natural.When you have spent a long time loving someone it takes a long time to let them go.And you can't really do no contact when kids are involved.But you do need to face the fact that she doesn't want to reconcile.Counselling might help but it sounds like it might get your hopes up. Try to maintain a good relationship but start building your own life.Start by doing something, anything , that you never did together..can be something small like going to a different town for a drink etc.The point is you start to make your own future and gradually move away from a shared past. I remember realising my ex had started to move on when he bought some new clothes!! Not trivialising your situation I just mean you can start in really small ways

Thanks, the thing I am struggling with is the days we have out with the kids are lovely but I feel like I need to just stop them too.

Oh lovely poor you.

I do agree that the "family days out" need to stop and the contact needs to be more formal, I appreciate you can't go "no contact" but you can go "formal contact only" so that's emails to discuss arrangements for your DC only.

Her behaviour was terrible and you've said she doesn't want to reconcile so I'm afraid, as hard as it is you need to let go. There are lots of lovely women out there and I promise you will find love again, it just takes time.

Keep busy .

I'm in a similar situation and really understand how you feel. Its really hard to accept that things are really over. Hope you can feel better soon I lnow its hard but she was to blame for her behaviour x xgood luck

MrBroken maybe go back to CL and take a look at what she says about remorse - real remorse and the 'stupid shit cheaters say' blog - or even email her what you've said here? I could guess what she'd say about your wife's counselling to sort her head out...

I know it's hard not to but each time you spend the day with her you're merely torturing yourself while effectively making it easier for her to tell herself what she's done isn't so bad. CL speaks without dressing it up, she's a blatantly anti cheating blogger but tbh your wife has told you she's not coming back and you have to find a way of putting yourself first. It's painful, not what you want but you have to do it and you can.

Yup all very painful. People keep telling me I will meet someone nice and forget her but I miss her / our family life so much.

Definitely the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Yes. It is the hardest thing. It must hurt a lot.

You didn't do this to your family though. She did.

You still have your family. Your dcs.

It's time you started having special days with just them and you. Make those the new special family times.

If you and your p reconcile then so be it but make sure it is after you have made sure you are capable of loving happily with yourself and for your dcs.

You can't let your happiness depend on someone who is clearly very weak. Not least for the sake of your dcs.

Start doing other small things that don't involve her. It's important.

Thing is I have already been doing all that stuff, it has been 10 months now. I do so much more with the kids, keep myself busy etc...

...but I don't like being on my own, can't imagine dating / being with anyone else. Not sure how you heal from this as my heart has been smashed to pieces.

Ten months isn't that long. You've had a terrible time of it. And as you say, you feel shattered by it all.

It is hell. Keep on walking.

Do you have friends to talk to as well?