Children the incompetent, unite!

[thestamp]

are there any others out there like me? i am the daughter of an incompetent mother. by this i mean my mother...

... admired me in many ways, but had no insight into how vulnerable and in need of care i was when i was little
... truly believed that i was put on earth to care for her, and not the other way around
... ducks out of any responsibility by wringing her hands and sobbing about how she didn't know any better
... blames all the bad parenting and shocking family decisions on how she was just following the orders of my feckless father
... can't offer advice or support to her children, but demands both, which she then ignores
... seems fully committed to her own unhappiness
... shits on all attempts to be "saved", and then cries to the person she's shat on about how bad she feels about shitting on them (!!!!!!!!!!!!)
... won't see a therapist
... won't see the GP to address her very obvious panic/anxiety problems
... has exhausted the goodwill of countless people over the years

She does sound like she needs help and is in quite a bad state. I am just getting awfully sick of my mother being the one who gets sympathy, help, and lots of TLC from her nuclear and extended family. i get very little of that! since i am "fine"! and in any case, there are no resources left for me....! i can't tell you how much i have done for her... and yet she is still unhappy and will not be any other way...

i am in therapy and have reduced contact... but still i know, through little cues from my therapist, that she wishes i were more "understanding" of my mother...

it's not that i don't understand...
it's that i'm so sick of being the one who has to understand! i wish my mother would take a moment to understand me... that would be nice!

i wish for once, it would be OK for me to say how disappointing, embarrassing, infuriating, saddening and lonely it is to be the child of someone like this!

so i open some wine and propose a toast to all the women out there who remember the little girl who needed a parent, but didn't have one.

i would say i wish i wasn't alone, but i know i can't be, more's the pity!

this week i am going through a major happy (stressful) milestone in my career, and again, i will do it with just my DH and lovely DCs, no mother to cheer me on... just some resentful, jealous comments in a sad tone... and another piece of proof that i am "fine" so my mother can try to guilt me into being even more of a leaning post... while i change the subject and try to keep things cheerful and superficial.

My shrink said something to me that I still struggle with, but I think is relevant to your situation. He would ask me if something was my problem. He says that I need to distinguish between things that are my problem, and things that just have an impact on me.

I think the point he is making is that I need to stop owning other peoples problems. If it isn't your problem let it go. So when she has a problem, you don't actually have to sort it out, or deal with it. You can choose to be sympathetic (or not) but don't take it on. Personally I still find this almost impossible to do, but I'd like to get there.

I hope that made some sense.

Wally, that's a brilliant point. It is so, so worth getting that concept straight in your head.

Not least because people like us who have been poorly parented can actually over- parent our own children later down the line, when they have reached a stage where they should be taking more responsibility for themselves.

Felt compelled to post, as the experiences shared by everyone e here really resonate for me. and for you all.
My DM had a shitty childhood. A father who was beyond overbearing, and a weak mother. Her father sexually abused me as a teenager, so I know only too well what a cunt he was (fortunately he died last year, not before time).

However, her crappy childhood has left her with a legacy of horrendous behaviour, echoing what many of you have described - not taking responsibility for herself or her feelings, expecting everything to revolve around her ('no-one ever put me first, it's my turn now'), and veering wildly between neediness, astonishing levels of criticism of my DSis and I, PA behaviour when not pandered to, impossible standards for others (while acting precisely as she chooses) etc. E.g. kicking up a huge fuss about 'not being made welcome' the night I came home from hospital with DD, after a horrendous birth and six day stay. Despite having had little sleep, we had to stay up for four hours (while DD, bless her sainted soul, slept soundly!) making DM feel better.

stamp, what you said about being sad for little-girl you is heartbreaking, and rings huge bells. I feel sad for fifteen year old me who asked her mother to stop the abuse, and who was ignored (DM was going through a divorce and had 'no mental energy' for her kids). I'm sad, but in an awful way, relieved to hear there are others who have this to deal with, does that make any sense?

I'm also in therapy, and a lot of what you've all said, I've heard too - assess whether it's a problem you need to address, or something which impacts you; you can't change them, only your reactions to them; dependent personalities; the martyr-victim-bully cycle.

I'm not sure I have a point really (tired, sorry!), except to want to express solidarity. And send hugs. It's hard.

it really is so important to extricate their (parents') problems from ours (the adult children's).

for me, currently, some of the pain is actually due to me finally stopping myself from taking on her problems. i no longer give her space in conversations, to lean on me. i can't throw more of myself down a bottomless pit. some of "me" has to be reserved to live life instead of being dragged down into the pit with her.

but i realise part of my identity - as carer/rescuer - a part that she created in me in order to make me useful to her - is under assault and is probably struggling to stay alive/relevant/useful, and some of the pain is coming from there. a big part of me is wondering who the fuck i am if i'm not saving her. that's the source of the pain.

of course the answer is, i am the captain of my own ship and the mother of my own DCs. and that is great, and i remind myself of that every day. but there is a HUGE component of habit-breaking and self-discipline involved. the urge to save, and to get that "hit" of her approval and gratitude, is strong. it's like a heroin addict having to switch to meditation. from poison to nourishment.

the other component of the pain is definitely the ruminating on unfairness - and that too, as has been implied before in this thread, is a habit of thought that has to be broken, in my case.

I'm another that fits this category. Took me a while to post as always a little nervous that someone in RL will see it. Op your list can be ticked off for my DM although she tends to give endless unsolicited advice on a loop. It's a tough one to step away from and not live a life of resent.x

Grrr just wrote a really long post and lost it! Anyway long story short- I sympathise and can relate to your story OP - your mother sounds so draining and awful. Big hugs

Example of my mum:

One day 'you are really a domestic goddess' - makes me cringe as I was only doing the hoovering when she was round and she said it quite sarcastically (maybe me being over sensitive though!)

Few weeks later having a conversation about cleaning and how I left a baby sick mark ok one of her cushions (my bad I didn't notice) she agreed with me when I said maybe my cleaning standards have slipped.

I know these are a bit random and prob over sensitive but long story short again is that I just feel like my mum wants to think the worst of me whatever I do! I could be a saint and she would still do her best to pick fault I'm sure. I'm meant to be driving to stay with them in a few weeks and I am dreading it as no DP With me... She tends to be a bit nicer when he is around

I think it more common than people think to have parents that are incapable.

Growing up my mother tried her best. It's only now looking back that i have noticed my parents could have done better. We lived in a filthy house. We were never taken to the dentist,doctor or optician ( I now have a mouthful of fillings and bad eye sight.) No friends were allowed according to my father everybody is not to be trusted. I could carry on but think I would be here all night. The minute I could I left home.

I live over five hundred miles away from my parents. It has been a year since I have seen my mother and since then have only spoken to her a few times (usually when I call to see how everyone is.)

My youngest child was three by the time she first met him. I couldn't afford to visit. I begged and begged for them to vist, the reply I got was that she doesn't like travelling or couldn't leave my dad or brother.

She had has a hard life, my father is quite controlling and brother is disabled. This is why I would never openly tell her how I feel. But sometimes all I want is for her call ask how the kids are. They don't know their grandparents and birthdays are often forgotten.

It sticks out even more when I see grandparents out with their grand children.

I now have quite a tough skin and am not very sympathetic to people's problems.

I know I have gone off the subject a bit but just wanted you to know it's more common than you think. Two of my friends have the same parent problems.