A month after Mum died, he was consulting a solicitor

Poshpaws1 · 2014-08-25T16:02:04+00:00

Mum died a few years ago. She'd been well up until a month previously, but died sixteen days after being diagnosed with cancer. I adored her. Things were not going well in DH's and my relationship at the time - I'd had PND following the birth of DS and to be fair had probably been a nightmare to live with. He was awful when she died - just expected life to go on as if nothing had happened - and I said some awful things to him. Life has gone on since then, with us rubbing along together, sometimes getting on, sometimes not. We've had counselling and I've really tried (with some success) to change the behaviours which he doesn't like. He hasn't changed and is still cold and emotionally unsupportive. He's away at the moment and I've been having a sort out and tidy. I just came across some notes he made from a conversation with a solicitor regarding separation/ divorce one month after mum died. It's just brought it all back again: when I most needed him - and in the midst of a really dark time when we should have been pulling together - he was consulting a solicitor. Not sure why I'm posting this - upset and just need to vent. I've learnt never to ask him for emotional support, and I thought I'd done my grieving - but this has brought it all back. I sometimes think what's the point of being in a relationship where bad times are actually made worse by the other person....

LiveAndLetDie · 25/08/2014 17:11

There isn't any point being in a relationship where the bad times are made worse by the other person, you'd be far better off and happier, alone. He sounds like a twat in all honesty. It takes a spectacular amount of callous and twattery to not be sympathetic to someone who's mum has just died. It's beyond belief when that person is your wife. Ask yourself what you actually get out of the relationship? Is it really worth wasting your life on someone who is that nasty?

I'm sorry about your mum.

flanjabelle · 25/08/2014 17:21

Wow what a piece of work he is. You poor thing op. Do you still want to be in the relationship? No one could blame you if you don't.

whatisforteamum · 25/08/2014 17:24

so sorry about your mum and i cant believe anyone would think of such a think when you are already in a very sad situation.Its one of the reasons i came on here to sort my relationship out before both my parents pass away ( they both have recurrent terminal cancer) as the last thing i need is Mr angry on my case as well as grief.
Hopefully someone will reply with solid advice soon.

TheysayIamparanoid · 25/08/2014 17:25

what an awful way to behave!
Emotional support is one of the biggest parts of a relationship-Sounds like you've done your part in trying to change but he cant be bothered! If he won't seriously try to change, then ask yourself, do you want to still be with him, feeling like this in 10 years time?

Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 17:32

Thanks for all your replies. Making me feel better already. Part of me still loves him and wants to make things work. I loved him so very much when we first got together. But I sometimes feel I'm staying in the false hope that things will improve.

And the more practical reasons - I can't afford to live in this area on my salary, and I don't want DS to spend his childhood being moved around from one part of this city to another....so do I tough up and accept that emotional support needs to come from elsewhere....

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Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 17:35

And sending you hugs whatisforteamum

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whatisforteamum · 25/08/2014 17:54

Thank you posh... hugs back

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/08/2014 18:04

On top of the consulting a solicitor when you were in the midst of the most terrible grief: "I've really tried (with some success) to change the behaviours which he doesn't like. He hasn't changed and is still cold and emotionally unsupportive" I'm honestly shocked at this.

Can you list some benefits of staying with his total knobhead?

SweetErmengarde · 25/08/2014 20:03

I think this time you need to be the one who sees a solicitor. Once you know ehat all your options are, you will be able to make a decision about this relationship from a place of strength.

CerealMom · 25/08/2014 20:56

Did he stay with you because he wanted to make it work, or because he didn't like what he heard at the solicitor's? Sorry if that's a bit blunt.

Would you ask him about his motivation for seeing the solicitor and his reasons for staying?

cansu · 25/08/2014 21:17

I empathise with you. When my father died, my partner didn't even give me a hug. When a friend died, ditto. He is completely incapable of offering support. When I was v ill, he was unable to look after me and I was so unwell I actually considered begging the go to admit me to hospital. It was a massive wake up call in that I now know where I stand. He is not a partner in any real sense of the word. I share a house with him... For now. I suggest you maybe look at it like thus until you are ready to leave.

Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 21:58

Thanks cansu - I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of it.

I don't know why we're still together. CerealMom - I don't know if he wants to make it work with me, or if he thinks it would be better for DS, or if it's because he knows that a separation would be a massive upheaval and costly. In cynical moments, or when he's being particularly undermining of my role as DS's mother, I sometimes think that he'd like to airbrush me out of their lives - to just go with no impact on him - but he knows he can't do this.

He is older and earns a lot more than me. When things are bad, I wish I could leave him and live on my 0.6 salary/ savings (with DS for half the time) but I don't think this is realistic given how expensive this city is. When we've talked about separating, he treats me like I'm some sort of parasite who moved into his house and deserves nothing.

We both love DS very very much - he is the light of our lives - and each have a really good relationship with him. The ideal would be for us to work things out and stay together. And despite all of the above there are still moments of love and companionship. But sometimes it feels like pushing an elephant up a hill....

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Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 21:58

Thanks cansu - I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of it.

I don't know why we're still together. CerealMom - I don't know if he wants to make it work with me, or if he thinks it would be better for DS, or if it's because he knows that a separation would be a massive upheaval and costly. In cynical moments, or when he's being particularly undermining of my role as DS's mother, I sometimes think that he'd like to airbrush me out of their lives - to just go with no impact on him - but he knows he can't do this.

He is older and earns a lot more than me. When things are bad, I wish I could leave him and live on my 0.6 salary/ savings (with DS for half the time) but I don't think this is realistic given how expensive this city is. When we've talked about separating, he treats me like I'm some sort of parasite who moved into his house and deserves nothing.

We both love DS very very much - he is the light of our lives - and each have a really good relationship with him. The ideal would be for us to work things out and stay together. And despite all of the above there are still moments of love and companionship. But sometimes it feels like pushing an elephant up a hill....

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Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 21:58

Thanks cansu - I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of it.

I don't know why we're still together. CerealMom - I don't know if he wants to make it work with me, or if he thinks it would be better for DS, or if it's because he knows that a separation would be a massive upheaval and costly. In cynical moments, or when he's being particularly undermining of my role as DS's mother, I sometimes think that he'd like to airbrush me out of their lives - to just go with no impact on him - but he knows he can't do this.

He is older and earns a lot more than me. When things are bad, I wish I could leave him and live on my 0.6 salary/ savings (with DS for half the time) but I don't think this is realistic given how expensive this city is. When we've talked about separating, he treats me like I'm some sort of parasite who moved into his house and deserves nothing.

We both love DS very very much - he is the light of our lives - and each have a really good relationship with him. The ideal would be for us to work things out and stay together. And despite all of the above there are still moments of love and companionship. But sometimes it feels like pushing an elephant up a hill....

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Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 21:58

Thanks cansu - I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of it.

I don't know why we're still together. CerealMom - I don't know if he wants to make it work with me, or if he thinks it would be better for DS, or if it's because he knows that a separation would be a massive upheaval and costly. In cynical moments, or when he's being particularly undermining of my role as DS's mother, I sometimes think that he'd like to airbrush me out of their lives - to just go with no impact on him - but he knows he can't do this.

He is older and earns a lot more than me. When things are bad, I wish I could leave him and live on my 0.6 salary/ savings (with DS for half the time) but I don't think this is realistic given how expensive this city is. When we've talked about separating, he treats me like I'm some sort of parasite who moved into his house and deserves nothing.

We both love DS very very much - he is the light of our lives - and each have a really good relationship with him. The ideal would be for us to work things out and stay together. And despite all of the above there are still moments of love and companionship. But sometimes it feels like pushing an elephant up a hill....

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Original poster

Poshpaws1 · 25/08/2014 22:00

Oops sorry didn't mean to post X4!

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mineofuselessinformation · 25/08/2014 22:23

Looking at this in the cold hard light of day, you are really staying because you're scared to leave or make him leave - I do understand why.
But think about this: if he earns so much more than you, he will have to contribute to your dcs maintenance, assuming you will be RP. Look at the child maintenance calculator, see how much he is likely to have to give you. Would that make a difference to things?
I do think it's time you saw a solicitor yourself.