Do i stay or do i go?

[roisinbacon]

Hi all,
Kinda just need to vent (but would appreciate any advice too) and from this forum can see many women in similar predicaments. I have 3 children 5, 3 and 1, I work 4 days a week (teacher) and have been in a relationship with the same man for 14 years. I am now at the stage where im not sure how to move forward.....

My partner works nights (personal choice as he was fired from several jobs for poor time keeping in the morning) so he starts late afternoon and comes home just about the time I get up with the kids for school. This means that I am essentially a single parent during the week (I also manage the joint account, do the shopping, collect the kids from the child-minder, not to mention cleaning tidying etc), this is with rarely any help from him as he sleeps about 8-9 hours and then needs to get ready for work the rest of the time. At the weekend he sleeps in till about 11 or 12 and then gets the hump when I don't wake him (this takes more than an hour to do) and grumbles if i have decided to go out without him. When the kids miss-behave for him he just keeps shouting at them and when they do not respond the way he wants he stomps off. He never organizes to do activities with the kids he just tags along with whatever is going on and is usually eager to get home so he can do what he wants. Now this can be attributed to being a typical man, but by far the worst thing currently is the constant need to justify my actions to him and reassure him that I am not having an affair. I just need to clarify that I have never nor will ever do this, I also don't even bother flirting (besides when would I have time with 3 children!) Let me give you the latest example......

Recently I went to a popular chocolate factory with my sister and 3 kids (partner had to work) so we had a great time and didn't come back till quite late, 10ish (it takes the best part of 2 hours travelling). Now I arrive home, hubby was home in his break at work (had to ask him to help us with the sleeping kids in the car) and I start getting interrogated as to where I've been since the attraction closed at 4.30 (he checked on the website). In point of fact it closed at 6, but refused to believe me as it was not clear on the website, obviously being so close to dinner time we went out for dinner before heading home (as you know this can take a while with children) and then got lost on the way home as our phone's died from using the sat nav and 3G. This was not a good enough reason so he kept on about it. Ironically he is the one with a cheating history and I know for a fact he had been in contact with a woman trying to 'hook up'. He does not seem to trust me and I am tired of explaining every action I make.

The issue is I will not mange without his income to support the kids, I earn a good wage so do not qualify for any benefits and the childcare fees are high. I am also concerned with what separating will have on my young boys (I have seen the impact at an older level). I don't mind being miserable forever if my children are happy. Any advice or opinions will be good. Thanks for listening

Teaching your children that it is ok for a man not to take part in family life and to have or try to have affairs whilst expecting his regular woman to run the home, is not ok. So your situation should probably change.

You might have to work full time, or arrange childcare differently. Think it through until you find a way to make it work.

You don't get anything from this man apart from his salary. If he's meeting 'hook-up' women, he might even be bringing home disease.

It really doesn't sound as though he is bringing anything positive to your life or to your children's lives. does it?

I don't think it's helpful (or fair) to put this down to him being a "typical man". I think that his lazy, entitled behaviour is down to him being a lazy, entitled arse.

To add insult to injury, not only does he do nothing for you (his partner) or his children, he also accuses you of cheating on him and forces you to account for your time!

I am sure there will be a way of managing financially without him, and your children will grow up in a much healthier environment. And you might even be able to find someone who adds something to your life rather than sucking all the joy out of it.

How do you think he would react if you told him you had had enough of his ways and that if he didn't make massive efforts to change, the relationship would be over?

The thing is that I suspect your children will be miserable too.

Couldn't he do child care during the day if he works nights, anyway, if you separate?

Thanks all. My main problem is that I ask him to leave, he will say he has no where to go and no money to go with (eg rent, deposit) and then will not tribute any agreed amount. He has no friends he could stay around and we car share so we would hav to purchase a car for him too. I genuinely dont think he will leave as he doesnt see there being a problem. Any ideas how to approach? See detrimental tooorganise everything for him, as always

You are not his partner because he shares nothing with you. It's like having a teenager in the house contributing keep out of his wages and nothing more. At least, if you did have an adult child living with you, you wouldn't have to account for every waking moment when he's not there breathing down your neck.

People on their own with children can manage on one salary. Millions do it every day. Is there any way of radically paring your budget to afford getting shot of him for good?

"Nowhere to go". Bollocks!

What I'd do is put him on notice, and tell him to start saving for a room in shared house if he can't afford a place on his own.

Hi op

I'm not saying you should leave but just want you to know that if it is money stopping you then you are entitled to help with childcare costs.

There is a hmrc info table on what you earn, how many children you have and what the govt will contribute towards costs. I'm thinking your costs will be quite high so you will get good help.

You will also get maintenance, free school meals and a reduction on your council tax for being a single person.

Not sure if you're already aware if the above!

Also it does seem pretty much like your leading the life of a single mother. Perhaps your dh should look for a new job that is more compatible with family life.

Re the cheating, he's just reflecting his own past onto you.

Good luck

so asked him to leave, and he refuses! Does not see the problem so doesn't understand why he has to go, if I have the problem, I should go. What do I do now? He is not abusive or anything like that but how do I make him think of anyone else except his own needs?

You won't be able to make him see anyone else's needs if he doesn't want to and it sounds like he doesn't want to.

Talk to a lawyer. There are still family lawyers who will give you a free half hour, with some basic advice. Or try CAB.

He may not want to contribute financially, but he will have to and you use the CSA (can't remember its new name) to ensure he does.

So what if he's got nowhere to go? That's his problem. So is the no car.

You have to look at what is YOUR responsibility and separate it from what is his.