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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be angry?

16 replies

StaringBlankly · 25/08/2014 10:35

Currently separated for several reasons. There was talk of reconciliation after a period of counseling but after this weekend I think I'd be better off divorcing him.

H sleeps in his office so doesn't see the DC during the week, this weekend is his contact time. Sunday at 9am I hear the children and have received a text saying he's gone to football and will be back later, eldest DC is crying because he always go to football with his dad. Thinking he should be back by 12 I don't cause too much of fuss that he's completely fucked up my day but over 24 hours later he hasn't come back. DC are worried and upset and I am furious, both his phones are turned off

He's done this before so I'm pretty sure he's not dead, these disappearing acts were one of the reasons I wanted to separate in the first place

OP posts:

Notexactlymarthastewart · 25/08/2014 10:46

Well, yes. I am angry on your behalf, but mostly for how he has treated your DCs.

He is a selfish arse. Please do not reconcile with him as he will just continue to treat you and DCs with this level of contempt.

You can all do much better.

Go and do something fun yourselves. I wouldn't wait any longer than an hour for him to turn up in future and just have a plan B up your sleeve.

You need to make it clear to him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. DCs will remember it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/08/2014 10:47

Anyone would be angry. It's very selfish and thoughtless to let down little kids that have been looking forward to seeing Dad. Where he is is immaterial really.... short of being in intensive care on a drip I'd say there was no good excuse for standing up his own children.

If you're not yet divorced I expect the contact schedule isn't legally binding. That's something you might want to consider.

HeySoulSister · 25/08/2014 10:55

I'd not bother with formalising contact.... Make him initiate it! See how bothered he really is

Original poster

StaringBlankly · 25/08/2014 10:57

Well I've found out he was at a festival in Southsea yesterday, not dead then.

My poor DS is in a right state

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 25/08/2014 11:02

That's a horrific way for him to treat his children.

I'm not convinced he sleeps "in the office" by the way.

Original poster

StaringBlankly · 25/08/2014 11:07

He does. He's obsessed with his work, I've seen his ridiculous bed.

He'll turn up Friday night acting like nothing has happened

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/08/2014 11:14

How old is DS? Old enough to understand that adults can be selfish and thoughtless?

Original poster

StaringBlankly · 25/08/2014 11:22

He's 8.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 25/08/2014 11:37

If you ever choose to make contact arrangements with this failure of a father again, can I suggest you don't mention it to your dcs in case he lets them down again. At least they won't know if he's let them down.

citruslemon · 25/08/2014 11:48

Agree with above poster. I used to tell DD when her dad was coming to pick her up and when he'd let her down she'd cry for hours. So now I don't tell her and if he turns up it's a "surprise" which makes her extra-happy!

PurplePidjin · 25/08/2014 12:01

I would be extremely tempted to arrange for the dc to go to friend's houses for a sleepover on Friday. Then when ex (please please keep him that way!) turns up "Oh I thought you weren't coming so we made other plans". You still get your weekend and a chance to talk sensibly to him, ds has a nice treat and doesn't have to witness any unpleasantness...

EllaFitzgerald · 25/08/2014 12:53

Will he be expecting to stay over Friday night?

He hasn't seen your DC's all week and there's talk of rebuilding your relationship, but he'd rather go to a festival? I think he's making it obvious what his priorities are. Surely he'd have known about the festival before sending you the football text? Unless he's suggesting that someone gave him a ticket on his way to the match? What was stopping him from asking you if he could swap days rather than lie to you and using an excuse that would hurt your DS?

magoria · 25/08/2014 12:58

He let down his DC. He left you to pick up the pieces. The DC were expecting him as it was his weekend and he didn't even have the basic decency to talk to them!

He lied to you about what he was doing.

He is doing exactly what he did which lead to the separation.

After this weekend why are you only thinking you would be better off divorcing him?

You know you would be.

Original poster

StaringBlankly · 25/08/2014 13:21

He had them on Saturday and then dumped them first thing Sunday morning, which confused them all and me! I was in bed, he didn't even wake me up.

He'd obviously planned the whole thing, the football match was a lie, I only found out about the festival because someone had tagged him in a FB post. He's read the message I've sent him asking to phone DS and he hasn't bothered.

His priorities have always been off but he's a much bigger arsehole than I imagined.

OP posts:

ForalltheSaints · 25/08/2014 15:37

Of course I would be angry at children being let down, never mind you as well.

Next time (if there is a next time) perhaps contact his office to say he has disappeared and you are worried (sound all innocent and ask- is there a problem at work?) Assuming the job is of a office based nature. If his boss becomes concerned and questions him, it will embarrass him into not being so selfish in future.

YvyB · 25/08/2014 19:58

Start keeping your diary. Log the arrangements you make - do it in writing from now on, rather than verbally and record the time he arrives, the time he drops off and all the times he is late or doesn't even bother.

My ds wasn't even born when my xh left but he still got upset when his 'd'f let him down at the last minute / changed plans suddenly (I'd get 3 or 4 broken nights before he settled again, bed-wetting just before or just after...). I logged it all and when xh endeavoured to get a contact order made (because, dammit, I was insisting that contact arrangements fitted in with ds's routine rather than ds having to fit in with whatever xh felt like at the time), I simply sent a copy of my diary to the court about a week before the hearing (and to xh's solicitor, to ensure I was seen to be being fair) and represented myself in court - the CAFCASS officer was very helpful and reassuring and it wasn't too intimidating.

The hearing didn't take long, the judge had read my diary and gave the xh very short shrift, insisting he apologised to me in the court room. Xh's solicitor ended up arguing my points instead of his (after all, she had to go back in front of the judge with her next client and clearly didn't want to look a total idiot!) and the judge threw their application for an order out of court.

The principle of contact is that it exists for the benefit of the CHILD, not the parent. If what is happening is causing distress then it clearly is not of benefit and as long as you have evidence of all communication and contact occasions, you don't need to worry about the repercussions of laying down non-negotiable boundaries (as long as they are reasonable) and sticking to them.

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