Divorcing a Persuader

[lanadelray]

The very short story - alcoholic, porn and escort addiction.

We've been separated for a couple of months but he's absolutely refusing to believe it's over. I'm bombarded with messages of love, threats to move back into the marital home, suicide. He's told DS that hopefully he'll be back soon. I've been contacted by in-law's telling me how bad he is, he can't cope, can't I just try again, he's had his wake up call? He's told me he's ill, lost weight (I can't see where from!) He's begged me not to start divorce proceedings as this will tip him over the edge. He's an alcoholic, I should be helping not divorcing, etc, etc.

I bought the Freedom Project book last night and can see that he is a classic Persuader (as well as other things). The book is great in that I now understand these are all empty promises and threats but how should I proceed? Should I go NC? How does this work with access to DS? Should he even have access if he's threatening to kill himself? The book says that he could threaten to hurt me or those I love and I'd like to think he wouldn't do that to DS but what if I'm wrong? I've been wrong about a lot of stuff. Or perhaps I shouldn't go NC as this could wind him up more and now I'm wise to his games they don't affect me anyway.

Argh so many questions! Any insights gratefully received.

Not to contradict any of the previous (excellent) advice, but food for thought - when you're dealing with someone who loves drama, a good strategy can be to refuse to feed the drama by being as boring as possible. If you scroll down to the end here:
Relationship with a loser he explains it better than I can.

I find with my ex if I were to tell him he was harassing me, he be thrilled and get stuck into a rant about how I'm harassing him (by breathing, apparently). If I sound polite but bored and half-stifle a yawn, it takes the wind out of his sails and he doesn't quite know how to react.

I'm coming across as a walkover and I think that I have been in the past. You're all right, I won't let him in. He'll be turning up all the time and I'll never get rid of him.

He sunk to even lower levels to get me to break NC yesterday. He's clearly frustrated and will run out of ideas soon hopefully. Though he's refusing to get a solicitor and says he's ignoring all correspondence so this is going to be fun.

bibliomania thanks for the link. It's chilling how many similarities there are. I think you might be right, my reactions have been fuelling him. Even being NC.

lana, have you got rl support you can call on, either practical or emotional? That will help keep you strong.