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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me with my narc ex mil

14 replies

InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 20:00

Exp and I broke up last December. He was abusive so I left him. He didn't cope very well at all, stalked me for a while amongst other things but I don't want to out myself so I'll try to keep this post vague.
DS turned one in the spring and exp asked if he could buy him an item of outdoor play equipment for our garden. He described it as a small, plastic item which did not need to be anchored into the ground. I agreed to this. DS never received his present as exp decided to fall out with me and withhold the gift.

Ex's mum has now bought a replacement item for DS without asking if it was still ok. (I could have bought one myself for all they knew.).

I have explained nicely to ex's mum that my garden gets ridiculously boggy in autumn and winter, and that as her new item is bigger than the one I agree to, it simply wouldn't be suitable at this time of year, as it would not anchor into the ground. (My garden would have been ok during summer, and the original item didn't need to be anchored into the ground, hence why I originally accepted it.)

The garden virtually turns into a pond from October until feb. I have explained this. I'm living in my childhood home and I couldn't have climbing frames/swings/slides as a child for this very reason.

Well, she once again took it as a personal attack even though I thanked her very much for the idea. She has told me I'm callous, playing with her emotions etc. and that I enjoy her spending money on DS so I can turn round and reject it. (This is the first gift I've had to reject, and it is because of safety reasons!)

Should I bother to reply to her or not? She is continuously twisting what I say and projecting her own nastiness onto my actions. Her, her husband and my ex have been vile towards me. So much so that my solicitor and the police were appalled when I showed her the emails between us.

I know if I reply, it'll fall on deaf ears as per. But I'm fed up of being her verbal punch bag. She's a textbook narcissist in every single way. Shall I send one last reply and then block her for good, telling her I'm going to do so?

This is more of a rant than anything. I'm exhausted from dealing with her crap. I am perplexed at how she managed to fall out with me because of my waterlogged garden!! I wasn't rude to her at all.

(N.B. I have gone NC with ex on the advice of the police if that's relevant.)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 24/08/2014 20:05

No don't reply.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/08/2014 20:07

"Her, her husband and my ex have been vile towards me"

She deserves absolutely nothing from you, not even a replay. Give yourself a nice, peaceful life and go Non Contact. Permanently. Without warning.

"Shall I send one last reply?"

Yes, to say only one thing "Fuck off and stay fucked off!"

InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 20:31

Thanks for your replies. I think I will just ignore her. She will no doubt take it as me admitting fault, but I don't think I can be bothered with the argument.

OP posts:
LiveAndLetDie · 24/08/2014 20:34

Ignore her completely, it's the ONLY way to deal with a Narc.

InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 20:47

Can I ask, people whose ex's or ex ILs are narcs, how do you arrange contact?

Ex sees our son in a contact centre. This was ex's decision. His mental health is not good and he is a risk to both myself and DS. We have agreed on this.

Ex shows no signs of getting better, I personally wonder if he ever will recover. His behaviour is simply not normal (eg he writes about me on FB on a regular basis. The posts are so vile that I have virtual strangers messaging me telling me how awful he is and that they feel sorry for me. Not a sign of somebody who is moving on and recovering. He has also banned his family from contacting me and seeing DS, and shouted at a mutual friend the other week, because they walked me home after a night out, ex wasn't even out that night. No idea how he found out).

Contact centres only take on cases for about 6months. We've been there for about 6 weeks now.

Obviously, if he is still not safe to have DS when the six months is up, what are my options?

He has a history of violence towards his family, as well as sexual, financial and emotional abuse towards me. He has also threatened physical violence towards me on occasions. I'm already stressed about what will happen.

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 20:53

Sorry for spelling errors, on my phone.

OP posts:
Meerka · 24/08/2014 21:14

Don't reply to her.

Im sorry that I havent got any experience with someone so wretchedly awful as your ex, sounds like you need a solicitor's advice. As a general rule I'd say record everything, every contact, so that the solicitor / police / whoever can see what exactly they are dealing with.

good luck, this sounds horrendous :(

DistanceCall · 24/08/2014 21:59

Relationships with parents are for the child's benefit, not for the relatives'. If your ex PIL are narcissists and you believe that they will not be good for your child in any way, you are under no obligation to keep in touch with them.

As for your exP, the same applies. If he will damage your child, you should do everything in your power to keep your child safe. Log absolutely every incident, including the FB posts. If he has a history of violence and you can show that there is reason to believe that he is a potential danger, I think you might have a good case in court to prevent him from contacting you and your child..

InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 22:14

I have several emails from ex where he admits the abuse towards me. His parents have already tried to discount these by saying I abused him and he was unwell because of me...such crap.

I have screenshots of my call logs and the text messages he sent me when he was at his worst in terms of harassment.

I have reported him to the police twice and I have been referred to a DV service. I had a meeting with a DV support worker. I don't know if it's real evidence though, in terms of whether or not it would be taken seriously in court. I have screenshots of everything in a file showing how unreasonable they all are, and the stuff that's been written about me online.

My solicitor said I can ask for a psych report to determine whether ex is stable or not. I'm worried that he'll pull the wool over their eyes so I'm reluctant to do this as it will cost up to £8000 which I simply don't have spare if it won't prove anything. I'd have to borrow it from family or take out a loan.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 24/08/2014 22:17

Are you happy with your solicitor? Recommending that you get a 8000 report is... well, odd. Perhaps you might want to talk to other solicitors to get a second opinion (I believe that you are entitled to half an hour for free).

What did the DV support worker say?

DistanceCall · 24/08/2014 22:18

Oh, and by the way, your exP's relatives' opinions on why he abused you arent' worth a shit.

InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 22:22

I am happy with her so far. I know somebody who used her and had a good experience. Sorry, to clarify, the report would be roughly £3000 and the fees for the solicitor would be £2000-5000 depending on how long the case took, how many times we had to go to court etc.. She seemed pretty confident that the psych would be worth the money, but I know how convincing he is Sad

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 24/08/2014 22:24

DV support worked just repeated what the police said really. Go NC, freedom programme with WA and keep evidence of what has happened/ what happens in future.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 24/08/2014 22:49

It might be worth it. To you he seems absolutely convincing, but DV professionals have seen this kind of thing a thousand times every day. If you keep all the records and log every single incident - and if he has a history of violence and has acknowledged it in writing - I think you are in a very solid position. (You yourself said that your solicitor and the police were appalled by the evidence).

3000 thousand pound is steep, but if you trust your solicitor and she believes that it will be helpful it's a small price to pay for your future peace of mind.

And yes, go completely NC with everyone related to your exP - his family, his friends, everyone. You owe them nothing.

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