Have I been a doormat for 21 years.

[Baronia4]

Not sure where to start but my DH has just had a heart attack and took himself off on a cruise for 3 weeks to recuperate.

I have been left at home with my two DS's as it was (his heart attack).

I have a DS of 17 who has just told me he thinks he has Gender Dysphoria and I am dealing with that as my DH want's nothing to do with this and thinks he should man up.

I am slowly coming to realize that I have been living in a verbal abusive relationship for the last 21 years.

We both work from home from the same company and I am always the one who stays at home to cover the work, he travels a lot. He shouts at me in front of other people, he belittles lots of things I do, I have no friends at all.

I work at least a 40 hour week and look after the house and children, he buys anything he wants and if I am a little short of money at the end of the month and I ask for some help, (He earns 5 time what I earn) he says I should budget better.

Do not get me wrong he buys me presents but I do not want presents I would rather he says please or thank which he has not said in the whole time we have been married.

He will have days when he does not speak to me at all. I have to keep the DS quiet when he is in a bad mood.

While I was driving him to the boat for his cruise (a 7.5 hour round trip).

He asked me why he thought he had a heart attack. I got this feeling he was trying to blame me.

He did this before when he had an affair when I was pregnant with our first DS. He said that part of it was my fault because I was meant to stand by him when he was in a very stressful job and trying to make money for our future.

I feel like I have just been a complete failure and do not know where to turn.

Sorry it is so long but it has been very cathartic writing this, It is the first time I have cried in years.

What a nightmare for you. And what a bully.

Are you prepared to leave him? Because I suspect you know that's what you need to do.

You are not a complete failure! You sound like a very nice woman who's been the victim of a controlling and calculating bully.

What I suggest you think about is extricating yourself from being associated with him through your work, so you will have some financial independence. And then make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your position would be if you chose to separate and divorce. Meanwhile, while he's away you could get together all the paperwork you can get your hands on, photocopy it and get it all out of the house and somewhere safe. That way, should you separate he won't be quite so able to hide the marital assets.

What kind of man says this: "He said that part of it (having an affair while you were pregnant) was my fault because I was meant to stand by him when he was in a very stressful job and trying to make money for our future"? The arsehole kind, that's what. No man has an affair because he's in a stressful job. They have affairs because they want to and some even believe they are entitled to. All the while the wife stands by being belittled and humiliated.

What kind of man goes on a three week cruise to recover from a heart-attack without his wife? The kind who is a selfish twunt, and very possibly one who has a companion his wife doesn't know about.

Baronia, it sounds as though you have reached a natural stage of doubt and recent events have focussed your mind in a way that has been coming for some time.

Yes, he's a complete twat and you don't need to put up with this any more. MN is a great resource for practical information but it comes into its own with ongoing support for women like yourself - who have reached a crossroads.

Don't be afraid of what is ahead of you. He is out of your hair for a while (and I'm not going to begin to comment on his behaviour during your marriage... for you.)

You are obviously a fantastic Mum, devoted to your DSs. They will be well aware of your DH's shortcomings and they deserve better. You are not a doormat - you have been bringing up your children and preparing them for adulthood. Now they are getting older and going to be more independent, don't waste any more years with this abuser. You are worth so much more than that. And I sense that your worries about your DS at the moment may be the thing that drives you to take him out of a potentially no-win situation at home.

Off on a bloody cruise??? What a chancer

Thank you all for your positive responses. It has definitely polarized it this week.

I have two wonderful step sons who have been so supportive even they were incredulous that their father had taken himself off on a cruise!!

I think I do know what to do, I had told him before he left that I want to leave work and get myself another job, part time as our second DS is only 6.

I am just feeling so very tired and it is all I can do to function at the moment, I worry about my eldest DS he does not have the greatest relationship with his father and now with the Gender Dysphoria and he has messed some of his A ' Levels (another year to go). Do I hang on another year?

Well it's nice to know he's actually got a heart.

Don't feel embarrassed about being with an arsehole for 21 years, there's a lot of it about (I did 23 years before seeing the light). Just start planning Phase 2 of the rest of your and your sons' lives.

Do you hang on another year? Hell, no!

Your children are more likely to thrive without the pernicious presence of that prick in your lives. Most especially your 17 year old with his father's most unhelpful attitude (huge understatement).

A Levels now, a birthday, a holiday, problems with the extended family later. All sorts of normal things can rear their heads to put off the sensible decision and before you know it you're pushing 60 and facing having start over on a pension.

Think about taking a step now, even if that only means talking to a solicitor. That won't commit you to making a move to end your marriage unless you want to.

if my controlling, nasty, emotionally abusive and financially abusive H hadn't died I would have probably done 21 years too by now, unless of course I'd had MN.

Go see a solicitor and don't look back. As for the guilt he will lay at your door, remember; why would you want to go through the upheaval of a divorce if he was so fucking lovely.

I hate abusive men with a passion

3 weeks without him is perfect headspace. I recommend you do this:

• take a deep breath
• read the Women's Aid website
• chat to a solicitor
• get The Beautiful South Song "Need A little Time" on repeat, and think of him getting the train back from the port in 3 weeks time.

Good luck!
Your life starts again now!

Knowledge is power - lawyer up!