It feels like DP and I are turning into 'just' parents.

[WalkingWolf]

We've been together 5 years and have 2 pre school DC. We love each other a lot, I don't doubt that but I feel like we are romantically drifting apart and our relationship is based on parenting/running the house. I hope that makes sense.

I know the main problem is the fact we spend zero time alone. We have one set of great grandparents (in their 70s) that we can use for childcare, but for obvious reasons, they can only handle the DC for an hour or two.

We could use a babysitter but my DC are very clingy, they wouldn't stay with someone they didn't know. DC2 is very hit and miss when it comes to Taking bottles and still relies on milk. (I'm working on this) DC2 also co sleeps (also working on this) so would also not work with a babysitter.

We have not had a evening out together since DC1 was born. Unless you count me being in labour with DC2.

I'm scared that we will drift apart and only have the DC in common. DP just says I'm over thinking it.

Sorry to use the phrase 'date night', I know it's a bit cringey, but could you try it? You don't need to leave the house, just cook a nice meal together, maybe dress up a bit if you'd like to, and spend the evening chatting - switch off the TV and computer. Try to find time to do this once a week or fortnight.

DH and I went through a phase like yours when the DC were small and we tried this. We don't do it any more but it helped at the time.

Nothing that isn't fixable. Yet.

Get the feeding sorted, then babysitter > pitiful screaming* for 10 minutes > date night. DTD, even you both have to grit your teeth.

We are old and fatter, and DD can vote now. We're still together.

We have date lunch and movies. As we have our DD in nursery it's much easier to do it during the day. Precisely because DD is very clingy and doesn't like any strangers. Is your older one in preschool? How old is your younger one?

I learned this off a friend who has two young children. She also finds it very hard to actually go out in the evenings. But find day time easier to arrange.

The date night at home idea sounds great too. I might steal it :)

Date night at home sounds like a good idea. The only problem is that both DC still wake up during the night/evening. DC2 hourly, but more frequently on a bad night. It takes about 15 mins to get back to sleep. As I said before, I am working on this but it is a pain as I'm constantly up and down the stairs every evening.

DC1 starts nursery in the mornings in September but DP works Monday-Friday, so day times are definitely a no.

I know it's not forever. It just feels like it right now.

DC are 12 months and just turned 3 by the way.

walkingwolf we take annual leave for the date day btw. Both DH and I worked full time. We already have childcare so it's easier to arrange. The friend I learned it from is a SAHM but her husband is office hours too.

Give yourself a break - you're doing really well. It sounds like the kids are happy and warm/dry/well loved and that the household is ticking along. What more could you hope for? Order your DH a small cute pressie online and light a candle at suppertime. It will be good in the long run. You're laying the foundations for a good, strong family! Think of it like housebuilding, this is the hard graft bit with the skip and buckets of mud I know nothing about housebuilding but you get my point In five years time you'll be romancing DH on the balcony of your holiday rental while the kids sleep peacefully x

Why not let grandparents have the kids for an hr or 2 from time to time and just go out for a drink or a walk together?
You don't need to spend hrs and hrs together to reconnect.

I agree with PartySkirt. Really lovely post. We are a year or so ahead of you, and struggle for babysitters for similar reasons, but we are getting there, slowly but surely, starting to feel like us again. We are just about to start using one of the girls at nursery for babysitting. We are going to have to force ourselves to do it, but I know it will do us the world of good.
Good luck!

I think the bit where you have a baby and another small child or two is largely consumed with looking after the children and essential domestic stuff. There isn't much time or headspace for anything else.
It will gradually change to more of a balance. But for the moment I think it would be worth trying to work on getting some more reliable evening time. Does dc2 go to sleep in your bed at the beginning of the night? Could the baby start off in a cot and then transfer to your bed later? Could you work on trying to settle the baby without feeding during the evening? Only to give you a fighting chance of a few hours uninterrupted time to sit and eat dinner, have a chat, watch a film or boxed set together. And then maybe to go out occasionally; although I don't think the going out bit is as important as the uninterrupted time bit.
We also do daytime stuff sometimes. If a grandparent can look after dc1 for a few hours then maybe you and DH could do something different in the day, with dc2 with you but the focus being on an adult activity. If you timed it right would dc2 nap and you could have a leisurely lunch? Or go to a gallery, or go for a walk, or whatever you like doing? I found it was relatively easy to do something adult focused with a baby in a pushchair or sling, and having one child instead of two feels pleasantly relaxed.
It is such hard work with children this age. And lovely. And normal feeling like you are just a parent, but also a good idea to try and find a bit of time where you can be interested in some of the things you used to be interested in again.

Aw thanks all of you.

Some really good suggestions here. Thinking about it, it's kind of our fault too. Every weekend the
GPs have the DC for an hour, maybe two but we always come home and do housework or do separate activities. (Read ect, stuff we never really get time for) we need to make more use of that time.

I've tried DS in a cot but he just won't. The first night I came home from hospital with him, I stayed up all night trying to put him in his cot but he wasn't having it. I've tried many times since but he will only 'sleep' in our bed. He's only just started eating more food during the day, so I'm going to night wean him soon which should help.

Don't worry I'm sure you can find a way. Actually your weekend situation sounds good. Definitely can find something the two of you can do. Even if it's just a walk or afternoon tea?

Don't worry too much about the evenings. Your second is still so little.

Can you work up to a babysitter? Have someone in for a couple of hours whilst you do things around the house - they can entertain the kids, etc. Then after a few goes of this, you can go out for a short while.

With evenings, you can always put the kids to bed and then head out. We did this when our children were very young.

They say it can be like running a small nursery with someone you used to date, don't they.

Definitely use your free weekend time for hot sex fun together. And watching a box-set together and chatting about it is easy enough.

Reading with interest. I could of written your post.
Been together almost 15 years, married 7, 2 small girls and feel like strangers with DH. We live together and parent together but that's about it. I feel like ive become 'Mum' and DH doesnt think of me as anything else now. :(

Reading the replies I think we need to start up dinner nights again. We used to have one at least once a month where the kids eat earlier and we have a meal together, (No tv, computers etc) but that has slipped this year since we moved at xmas.

I'm glad you know how I feel pigley, although sorry you're going through this too.

I'm going to try a dinner night too. I got a free voucher for a m&s dine in for £10 so I'll give that a go this weekend. Hopefully DS won't wake up too many times.

Let me know how you get on.

My wife adn I have three little ones and our sex life seriously hit the rocks over the last three years. Its now almost as if we have gotten into a bad habit of not doing it..I dont think either of us are happy about the situation.

My wife adn I have three little ones and our sex life seriously hit the rocks over the last three years. Its now almost as if we have gotten into a bad habit of not doing it..I dont think either of us are happy about the situation.

Your parents have the kids for an hour every weekend?

And your problem is??

Use that time, woman!

We (I) don't like leaving LO at bedtime/nighttime due to clingyness and co sleeping so we get a babysitter and go out for lunch as a couple at the weekend. Literally from 11-3pm or so. Not every week but perhaps once a month. As long as the babysitter is trustworthy and experienced, e.g. Perhaps not a 16yr old but a granny or local childminder who does weekend babysitting, then there's very little to worry about for a few hours.

we do the same thing sometimes but I really do feel we would benefit from being able to spend regular evenings together...having young children is tough!

after years of co sleeping we finally have our bedroom back - I jusy worry that it seems to have been so long that it has affected us