How to say this tactfully?

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

Xmil looks after my dcs on a regular basis (initiated by her, I don't need the childcare but I am happy to facilitate what is a very good relationship between her and the dcs), is nice enough and I don't want to rock the boat.

However-

She made a comment that upset dp (who I an marrying in a few weeks and is an excellent sdad to my kids) on Friday and I feel I must have a word with her.

Dp was picking up our neighbours son on Friday (he drops off/picks up along with dcs every day- he sah and I work full time so he does the bulk of the child related stuff) and she was there picking up my older dcs. Dcs gave him their folders and dp opened them to check for letters/homework. Xmil told him "that's jamaican's job, you shouldn't be looking in their things".

Obviously this was ridiculous, he does their homework with them and, as far as I'm concerned, has every right to check for letters etc since he is there every day and deals with the school.

Dp also told dd1 to put her things back in her bag and close it before she lost everything (this is a regular occurrence, dd1 loses things frequently!) and Xmil told him he was being aggressive and is he always so angry. Dp says he was not being aggressive and I believe him, it is not in his nature and I feel like Xmil is being difficult with him on purpose.

I would like to tell her (in the nicest way possible) to butt out, dp has my permission (not that he bloody needs to ask!) to look for things in their bags etc. I don't want to make things difficult, I just want to make it clear to her that this kind of comment is neither needed, nor acceptable, and that undermining dp in front of the children is not okay.

Please, oh wise vipers, help me word what I will say to her. I will see her tomorrow morning when she drops them off and I will be speaking to her then.

TIA

I do think you need to say something about her possibly undermining your DP in his role as stepfather though. Don't let her give the children the idea that he has no parental role for them, or they will start to play up for him.

I think I would say something. Just along the lines of "oh, just thought I mention that it's fine for DP to look through the DCs' school bags- he does their homework with them". Say it in conversation and you're not accusing her of anything or making a big deal out of it but still standing up for DP

I think you have to appreciate that she is just trying to protect or defend you, not undermine him. So approach it on that basis, reassuring her that he is going to play an important role in their lives now.

What she said sounds fairly ridiculous, but perhaps she is just having difficulty coming to terms with another man taking on the role she wished her son would be doing. Please don't make any hasty decisions about reducing her contact with the children rather than deal with any issue if it persists. Grandmothers aren't replaceable, and if she has their best interests at heart and looks after them, and they love her, it would be a big loss for them both. This could be a storm in a teacup but if it does persist I'd try to work it out rather than distance yourselves.

My point about parental responsibility was that the (STB) step-father here does not need permission from the OP to interact normally with the children. Not in a strictly legal sense but in a practical sense he is automatically in loco parentis if you like. The ex-MIL's objection towards DP is that she doesn't acknowledge his status in the family. She regarded herself as the parent in that exchange, not him. Then there's this 'angry' accusation which interprets as 'he had the cheek to disagree with me'

When it's a pecking order matter you remind everyone where they stand.

Sounds like she hasn't get got her head around your dp's (full) role in the children's lives, thinks he's a cuckoo: 'who is this guy!' . as she's been (and hopefully will continue to be) a full-time fixture in their lives, she's stuck in the past and wonders who this 'interloper' is. She's protective - of you, of your little family. Her son is also a disgrace and she probably finds it hard to accept that, feels protective on his behalf: some other guy being a father to her son's kids.

How long has he been doing it, had that role, BTW?

Absolutely you should say something. Be factual - 'dp is their f/t carer, therefore this is his role'. Reassure her that you trust him, believe he is trustworthy. Listen to what she has to say - but set the tone by not being combative.

Does she actually know precisely how your family works now? that your Dp is the children's main carer? Because if she doesn't, it sounds to me as if she was defending you and her grandchildren....

I think it would be very unfair to cut down on the time she sees the children based on this alone- it's great that she has a good relationship with them.Lots of children lose their grandparents on divorce, and you can never have too many people on your side......

I can t help feeling that she is threatened by your partner.While you were just together it was not a big deal in her mind,but now you are getting married and that's legal and changes everything.Grandparents have few rights in regard to their grandchildren.She witnesses your partner doing all that her son should do and has nt and must feel sad and a bit worried.I think the conversation you need to have is to reassure her that even though your re marrying it won t Change contact with her grandchild and that you can work togrther in grand child's best interests as a family.

Thankyou for your replies

Dp and I have been living together for 18m and he has been the main carer since he had to stop working in may. She knows the set up in our family, so I don't think it that at all.

I suppose she is probably just looking out for the dcs, but making barbed comments to dp is not protecting them, it's just undermining his relationship with them. I can't let her do that again, she needs to understand that it isn't on.

I did have a heart to heart with her months ago and reassured her that I would never stop her from seeing the dcs, her son was an abusive shit but she did nothing wrong at all.

Why is your DP sahp when you have regular child care?

Don't see why it matters at all. OP said she doesn't need the child care, but her XMIL obviously wants to be in her GC's lives, so she looks after them.

I don't see many women asked to justify why they are SAHP when they are looking for advice.

her comments were way, way out of order.
Especially in front of the kids.

I would talk to her and say your DP has told you what happened and is concerned that exMIL does not fully appreciate the situation Tell her that in order for you all to be good supportive parents / step parents / gps to the kids you all need to understand and respect the various relationships, and so could she be careful not to treat your DH-to-be as if he is an outsider in the children's lives. just say it calmly but directly.

Or else I would call her and ask her if there was a particular reason why she doesn't think your DP should look in the book bags? And if she says because he isn't their parent (or whatever), say he is their step parent, is caring for them, has your full agreement and therefore it would be good if she could let him get in with that, and for all the various adults to appreciate and enjoy what each does for the children.

I would not let it slide. If she is prepared to say that to him, in front of the children, what else might she do and say?