Please help, problems with DH

[confusedmum2one]

Hello, I have changed my name because I am embarrassed about this and don't want my friends on here to know about it.

It's a bit of a long story so I'll try and keep it short and post about the thing that's bothering me most at the moment. I need your advice MN's.

This might be a bit TMI but I feel very naive and stupid. Of course I realise that all men, married or whatever will erm... master**te. Thing is DH has been doing it when he thinks I'm asleep in bed (he's in bed too) or when I go for a shower in the morning. I kinda thought that men would do this more when they're on their own or when I'm not around to oblige? - am I being way over sensitive or would this upset you as well?

I also think my DH thinks of other women when we make love, again this upsets me but am I being really naive? Is this normal?

Then there's this myspace profile. I have voiced my dislike of my DH accepting "friend requests" from girls that aren't on there for music (he's on there to promote his music) today I checked and again he has a couple of "friends" that are scantily clad girls who are on there to "network and make friends" (they look like they should be in a top shelf mag looking at their pics).

I'm honestly not a troll, I've thought about posting this for a while and the reason I have is because I genuinely need to know if I am just way too naive and over sensitive and need to open my eyes or if you think I have reason to be a bit upset?

Thanks

hiya. i think you definately have reason to be upset. you are not being over sensative. i think if he has a wa#k when you are in the bed together, then he is trying to tell you that he's not getting it enough? ask him. i think its really inconsiderate of your feelings anyway. i know all men do this sort of thing, but surely when they've got a private moment away from their partner. if he does think of other women when you're at it (how do you know that?) then maybe thats normal fantasy, but again, should'nt he spare your feelings if he knows it upsets you?

personally I think you are being over sensitive on both counts.However you can't deny what you actually feel.
It might help to discuss it with him.

Re myspace if he is on there to promote his music it looks good to have as many "friends" as possible so he will acept just about anyone. Ths is perfectly normal.

The other business: wanking is not the same as sex with someone else and is not necessarily a substitute for it. Most peole enjoy both, at different times.

Hope you are not feeling too crushed by all this.

Thanks for both your replies

Sometimes I think I need to be told "this IS normal" because I admit I have a tendency to be extremely jealous/possessive type of person (trying hard to change myself believe me). I just cannot bring myself to discuss any of this with RL friends because I feel like I'm betraying him as they know him IYKWIM?

Re the Myspace Jasper, thanks for explaining it - I was taking it a bit too personal I think as recently I found a porn website on the laptop that DH insists he clicked on out of curiousity as it was a link from a forum he goes on.

BP - I'm not 100% sure he thinks of other women when we are at it, and I can't remember how we came onto the conversation about it but it was on the back of a row, when he said "most blokes think of their fantasy women when they're with their partners, I mean you're not telling me your brother fancies his wife" (in his eyes my SIL is v ugly, obese and has no personality). I think it was about w~&king and then he said I was going far too deep into his mind and that he deserved his private thoughts (which I agree with but why say something like that and then not expect me to quiz him). He then said that he said MOST blokes and not him (but after 6 yrs of marriage I can tell that face that isn't telling the truth).
As you probably guesses, we do have trust issues - he's recently had a crush on a girl at work (he wont admit it was a crush but he says he was not being professional and said he shouldn't have behaved that way as he was married.

I have tried talking to him about it, he's says it's my problem and that he is normal.

It feels such a mess at the moment, with him w**king when he does it's making me feel like it's really behind my back instead of something that is natural to most people. It's making me suspicious and like he could be hiding things.

Thanks for reading

wanking i think is normal and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, ask him to do it when you're not around. tell him you know he does it while you're in the shower and when he thinks you're asleep.

as for thinking about other women while he is with you, again probably quite normal. i'd accept it and move on. not much you can do about that.

BUT the woman at work - how did he not act appropriately for a married man? that would worry me. i think the above problems are becoming more of a problem because of the trust issue. i think trust is the problem you should address first.

WWH - he accepted an invitation to stay at a (single) girls flat after a works night out. He had told me work were putting them up in a hotel (which he insists is the case and that he had no intention of staying at this girls flat, he said she was being nice offering but he would never have lied). He had also sent some sort of flirty emails (well I think they were flirty, he says he just was getting too over familiar hence why he should be professional).

You're right, it is the trust issue I think, reading back at my original post it sounds pathetic! I wouldn't normally be as bothered I don't think - I first knew about him doing it whenever I was out of the room/asleep 4 yrs ago but thought it was his privacy etc.

Perhaps I'm not being totally honest with myself, I don't have the same respect for him and I think our marriage might be over for a number of reasons. I don't feel like I am his special person anymore - I feel like I am his mum rather than a wife.

Thanks again

Sorry I wasn't clear ... DH didn't actually stay at the girls flat, I saw the email conversation where she offered him to stay there , he accepted - I confronted him which is when he explained he had no intention of staying there. I should've waited until after the night out to confront him though as I only have HIS word that he had no intention of staying there.

He seems to be so different to the man I married in my 20s. Now in my 30s I seem to be getting older but he doesn't seem to be maturing and wanting to have a nice settled family life.

Confusedmum2one - I'm sorry but I have to disagree with anyone who says you're overreacting. If my DH was behaving like yours I'd be showing him the door. Sure masturbating's 'normal' but not in bed next to your wife! I'd probaly say something like 'enjoying that honey?' and make it clear you know he's doing it. IMO he's behaving like a teenager not a grown man.

Do you know how to check up on what he's been up to on the computer - do you want to?

agree with liquidclocks and besides you feel uncomfortable/unhappy and shouldn't be put in that position in your own home.

LC - he's a techie so always one step ahead on the pc front. I found the porn thing by accident as we'd had a friend stay and I was looking for a link to one of the threads on here (being lazy just using drop down history thing) and so went to DH and said "oh you'll never guess what "bob" was looking at whilst he was here..." then he got embarrassed and said it was him and that it was a link from a forum he goes on (which I do believe). It just seems like there's so many things coming to a head at the moment and without sounding really selfish I just feel like I deserve a bit more? I always try so hard to be a good wife, book things to do that he likes even though I don't and always make an effort with my appearance, always try and seduce him etc. Maybe I try too hard?

I also feel very low down on priority list, and he always has to "catch up with the football scores" or "check his emails" before giving little one a bath or something, making me resent him for putting our baby 2nd all the time.

Arrghh it's so frustrating, I think I still love him but don't feel in love.

I think I do need to realise that all men are different so just because your partners aren't w~*king like mine it doesn't mean he's wrong as such.

Do you mind him wanking away next to you? Do you think he knows you're awake? If you don't mind, deep down and genuinely, then there's no problem.

You're right, not everyone's DH's are the same and your relationshi[ with him depends on how it started, what your'e both happy with etc. I put down some 'ground rules' with DH before we got married - things like no porn, no drugs etc, some poeple might say I was being dictatorial but I was protecting myself and him from heartache if those were things he wasn't prepared to commit to, they're just things I'm not prepared to put up with.

The fact your DH is 'chatting' with top shelf lookalikes on the internet and accepting sleepover invites from girls at the office is worrying - his fantasies are obviously not fulfilling the need anymore and he needs 'real' people, I just hope for your sake he doesn't follow it up any further.

then again confusedmum2one I could be talking personally so best not to listen to me - sorry!

LC - it's so confusing. DH swears he had no intention of staying at this girls flat and that it was "a laugh". I said I'm not laughing so where's the joke and he said he realised how it looks and that he was really sorry. I asked him how he would feel if it were the other way round and that's when he said he was getting "over familiar" with her and that he would put a stop to it. He said he cringed when he read his emails again.

Or perhaps I'm just in denial - I grew up with my parents having affairs and I was so determind not to marry a loser. I have asked him what I'm doing wrong, why aren't I enough etc. Sometimes he turns it on me and says "the world doesn't revolve around YOU" it's not ALWAYS about you.

I think you're right, he's acting like a kid, not a grown, married man with a little one.

Part of me wishes he would just get on and betray me. It feels like I'm being betrayed if he's thinking of other women when he's "making love" to me, I feel used.

He wont go to relate, says I've over reacting.

Sorry everyone, I don't think I'm making much sense. It's really helped to get some other people's views on this.

LC - like you I have always made it really clear from the outset that I don't like drugs/porn/betrayal/dishonesty etc. Feels like now he's saying "he was curious", he's "only human", changing the boundaries almost and seeing as I am a bit possessive/jealous this isn't going down well with me.

Can I ask how old your LO is confused?

I'm not coming from the position of being in a perfect marriage btw. DH has had a severe rollocking for what I found in our internet temporary files a few months ago and I did bite my tongue when we stayed over at one of his old uni friends a few years ago and out came the hash - but I've never had a problem telling him I don't like it, and that it's not acceptable. The odd slip up for him isn't a problem to me but if it became the norm I'd seriously doubt our capacity to stay married. - sorry just didn't want you thinking I was sat polishing a halo or anything!

Can you see yourself sticking around if this is how it stays between you? It must be really hard having watched your parents deal with loads of cr*p while you were growing up, understandable that you don't want to repeat what happened there. I don't think you're being jealous or posessive btw, I think it sounds like your DH isn't giving you enough support and love to feel confident in your relationship so naturally you're feeling a bit insecure - and you've had his baby now, and though we may not like to admit it, it does change our relationships and self-perceptions.

Our little one is coming up for 8 months old. We did have a bad time in the first few months after the birth (I think this is normal though for first time parents?). The way we acted towards each other was terrible. Constantly snapping and I was a nag about how he was with the baby (he seemed to treat the baby like it was a toddler rather than newborn!) I think I was over protective and probably suffering from the baby blues.

No, I can't carry on with this marriage if he keeps behaving like this. You have all given me the confidence that I am a woman in a relationship and I have equal standing - I tend to feel like I have to give in to DH and that I'm wrong because he uses the "you've never trusted me anyway" line often (I think I have a generally suspicious nature)

LC and everyone else, I don't think you sound like you're polishing your halos etc. :-) The more I think about my marriage the more I think it's already beyong repair. I don't think he respects me. I feel like he's always rolling his eyes at me. It doesn't help that I am a SAHM whilst he's working long hours in a really stressful job and doesn't lift a finger in the house, literally doesn't do a thing

Sometimes if I'm asking things that must be highlighting I'm lacking in confidence in the marriage DH will say that insecurity is not attractive! When i retort that I need him to help get my confidence back he just seems to go on about I've never trusted him and blah blah blah.

Sorry for going on.

He's due home soon so I might not get another chance to reply tonight. Thanks so much for your advice

Your last post just made me want to give you a big hug! - Like your DH should do!

I think the first year with a LO was mine and DH's worst ever too - there are so many relationship issues, time, energy, sex, body image etc etc! BUT that's no excuse for your DH not to be there for you and support you. About the whole insecurity thing, I don't know if it's that you have a suspicious nature or are a naturally paranoid sort of person because I don't know you well enough - however, I have to say that I'm generally a very trusting person with DH but if he did the things you've been talking about, I'd be very suspicous, paranoid and insecure - because I have common sense! I feel pretty confident in saying I think it's just that you have a bit of common sense too and you know somewhere inside that his behaviour is not what you should expect in a healthy relationship.

I really hope the responses you had on this thread have helped you to see, as you say, that you have 'equal standing' - you do! I hope your DH cottons on to that too or he'll risk losing you. I hope you can sort things out, you obviously love him very much to put up with all this, I hope he can show that he deserves you.

I agree, you definitely have reason to voice concern. You accept what is acceptable to you and nothing less.

Him saying "its not always YOU" hey, remember who you're speaking to, the mother of your child, remember? You may be a SAHM, but you're not exactly sitting on your arse all day, your child is very young.

Talk about the computer, myspace, tell him your girlfriends get all sorts of 'friends' giving invitations, do it in a lighthearted way so that he opens up.

I'm not sure about the w~nking. I agree with what's been said by the others. Tell him you know, in a jokey way.

The flirting is so straightforward in this pc dominated world, he said himself, he cringed reading his emails. That said quite a lot, like he doesn't want to be a repeat offender and he realises he is married, before anything else.

Don't be afraid to say how you feel to him, say it! You are not over sensitive at all, you're confused and have feelings.

Good luck!

Thanks LC and MCS, you've both brought me to tears! I'm sorry I've not mentioned before but I have discussed all these issues with him. Each time he seems to have patience for a little while and then starts getting aggitated and says things like "ok we've already gone over this, can't we move on now". For some reason I can't seem to move on - perhaps I need to speak to someone like relate? Can I go on my own?

I'm so glad I did post this, you have all really helped me so much but I don't really know how to resolve my problems. I know DH loves me, he tells me often but I don't feel loved. If I told him this he'd roll his eyes and say something like "why don't you feel loved" in a sarcastic voice. I try and do little things to help him out but he turned around said "it's ok, I'm not a 5 yr old". I'm not trying to mother him!

I think I need to have a big talk to him, timing is crucial as he is so overworked at the moment and his work is really stressful. I hope he can reassure me that he does respect me because I feel like a little girl at the moment.

I often wonder what other peoples relationships are like, I'd love to be a fly on the way to get an insight into how people should behave with one another, from my upbringing I only know what it's like to be 2 people living under one roof but with separate lives.

I'm so sad about this, today I was served in a shop by such a nice guy, he was really lovely to DD and paid me a compliment without being cheesy, for the first time I actually felt myself really wishing I had a new partner. This can't be good (no way on this earth would I ever have an affair) so things are obviously at breaking point for me.

Thanks again for your kindness and taking the time to give me advice