husband morphing into ....

[tunictop]

help/advice please.
my dh is 66.
the last few years have been difficult with family issues to say the least.

but dh has kept his head down, as long as he was being fed and watered and his needs being met, he kept going.

I don't want to sound like a nasty cow, but he is morphing into his ...deceased....father.

he is all smiley and jokey when he is out amongst strangers, but at home he is a miserable, rude, and to be honest a bad tempered miserable git.

he sits for hours doing a crossword, like his father used to do...if I suggest doing/going somewhere he pulls a face, bbq on the beach/picnic/visit somewhere..."might not be able to park" etc.

he has no friends to ring/chat to or see ,doesn't bother with anyone, never has, except himself.
I just want to leave.
help please.

Do you still love him? Are you interested in keeping the relationship going at all?

Maybe he is sad at home because that is where he feels he can show his true feelings. Maybe he gets exhausted from putting on a good show in public.

Would he open up to you about how he feeling and/or would he go to talk to someone professional about it?

to be honest, when I saw the misery his fathers wife endured for years, i'm scared history is repeating itself with us.

I do love him, but each day he destroys this by his negative and hurtful comments.
he is sad.
his two sons have limited contact, well, hardly any.
he doesn't bother to contact them, I encourage him to, but he can't be bothered, it's like he doesn't have any emotion for them at all.
when I talk to him about how it is, he simply shrugs his shoulders and brushes it off.
he wants to win the lottery, then he will be happy.
he wants a bigger car.
his sister, who he has little contact with , is pretty well off, via her husband, and I believe he is resentful that at his age, he isn't a millionaire.
he is becoming embittered and miserable.
we live in a lovely house by the sea, yet I have to virtually drag him for a walk on the beach.

he does a crossword, washes the car and that's about it.

if I want to go on holiday, I go with my sister....because he hasn't any enthusiasm at all....the same as his father.

I am losing contact with friends, who I have had for years, as he makes a fuss...sighing,sarcasm,etc...it's like he just wants me to stay cacooned in the house, with just him.

i'm fed up with his lack of enthusiasm and joy in life.

I am positive he isn't depressed or similar, as looking back he has never had friends or enjoyed visitors and social things.
if we ever did anything, looking back, it was always me who instigated it, and he just followed along, with me making all the arrangements, otherwise we would stay in the house.

I would say, lets go to wherever, he would just get ready to go, but no interest or anything....the same as his father did.

such a lovely day today, he is in the garden doing a crossword.
you might say he is "content" but it feels like I am waiting to die.
I do talk to him about how I feel, but he appears totally indifferent to me.

I suppose there's a slim chance he could be clinically depressed - although the fact that he can be hale fellow well met when out and about suggests that there's a big element of choice in his behaviour.

But enough about him... If you want to leave, what are the barriers?

I do believe there is choice,
right from the beginning, 24 years ago, he always said he doesn't want to be like his father, I didn't know what he meant until I actually met the man.

nice outside, nasty sarcastic rude bastard indoors.

if I become "upset" by his rude comments or miserable attitude, he says I am making a "fuss" and basically to get over it.

it's like he couldn't care less how I feel, he just sits on his solitary chair with crossword book.

I have no family close by, feel a bit isolated, and have fantasies about leaving, but financially it would be difficult, if everything was halved, house etc.

as oap's, even if the house was sold and halved, and with pensions, it would reduce our/my quality of life drastically,

i'm sure he realises that, so behaves as he does, knowing I am trapped here.

as his father before him, the only way his stepmother was "released" from the miserable bad tempered bastard, was when she became too old to look after him, and ended up in sheltered accommodation.

I don't want that to be my fate, so while I am still well, I need to make some massive changes in my life.
but, it is impossible to "talk" to him, as he simply gets a paddy on, and storms out of the room.

Do you really mean it would reduce your quality of life or are you saying there would be a bit/lot less money around? To that end, have you done some research, got legal advice, etc.? Always helps, I find, to get the facts rather than be held back by incorrect assumptions

Are you aware of the impact of low serotonin in old age? In men it can produce the Victor Meldrew effect.

Although it sounds like he's always been a bit of a miserable git, it's just increased...

Can you go out with friends and do other social stuff without him? Then he can sit around and get on with the crossword on his own. I don't see why he has to drag you down with him.

Have you reminded him of the comment he made about not wanting to be like his dad?

I don't mean in frustration or anything, but in a way that would show him what it looks like to you, and what's happening, but without making him defensive?

What woudl happen if you remind him about what he said about being like his father, like folkgirl suggested?

If that didn't work, in your shoes I'd be tempted to start calling him by his father's name, but perhaps that's mean.

Living with a miserable killjoy who is isolating you from your friends is going to be very bad for your mental well-being in the long run though. It might be an idea to weigh that up carefully against the mental strain of living in poorer circumstances if you separate.

thank you for your helpful replies.

last year, he was so rude/miserable that I did remind him about his father, he simply went into denial mode, as he usually does.

whatever I suggest he goes into defensive mode straight away.
he can't "discuss" anything, just up goes the blinds.
sadly,quality of life would be reduced by both of us, should we celebrate, and there is no way either of us could work to make up the loss.

and yes, he is dragging me down so much that I feel like just getting a caravan and hide there .
realistically I know I won't go down that past,, but I must make some decisions soon

If you really can't bear living on a reduced income, you will have to stay put and forge your own life.

Socialise separately, be happy with your friends and just meet up with him occasionally if you can bear it.

If you have a loverly house by the sea then enjoy your half of it.
Move into another bedroom. Cook your own meals. Live your happy life in your half of the house. Get out and socialise.
Let him sit in his own misery in his half.

If you won't leave (and it's won't rather than can't) then you need to treat him like your lodger and forge your own social life without him. If you feel that you can't tolerate that then it's divorce and living in reduced circumstances. If he has a private pension you could be entitled to half of it if you divorce. I'd rather be totally skint and independent than living in the kind of misery you seem to be being put through. HOORAY! for pension credits.

He doesn't have to be depressed or a miserable bastard, he could be a combination of the two. The problem is even if he is depressed you cannot help him unless he wants help and is willing to seek it. From what you have said here he sounds quite happy in his little routine and more worryingly doesn't care enough about your feelings to want to change anything.

Are you sure you couldn't get some legal/financial advice and see exactly where you stand? You might have less income or have to move a cheaper area but it is difficult to put a price on emotional happiness.

The other option is to separate emotionally and try living in the same house but not 'together' so to speak.