Trying to stay strong after H left me for OW

[Ciaran24]

Just over 5wks ago my husband announced that he was leaving me after 10yrs of marriage. Our relationship had not been great for a while, in all honesty since our daughter was born three years ago. At the same time my best friend was dying from cancer so I was hit hard with becoming a new mum again after an 11yr gap and losing someone close to me. I suppose I got caught up in trying to cope but if I am honest my husband was about as supportive as a plank of wood. This year things got worse as our son was very ill with Gladular Fever and was off school for 8months at the same time as my mum was ill with COPD...she died suddenly in April.

When my husband said he was leaving I actually thought I was going to die, I could not comprehend life without him and the panic of being a single parent of two was overwhelming. I knew something was not right with his sudden decision to leave and I was right....after a weekend of detective work I discovered my husband had been having an affair with a woman at work. When I confronted him he had no choice other than to admit it as I was ready to have it out with her at his office. He told me it had been going on for two months but they had only been sleeping together a month...I know that it has been longer but he does not have the balls to admit that as it will make him look even more of a scumbag than he already is. I did not take the news well, it actually pushed me to a near on breakdown and as all the blame was laid at my door I felt near on worthless. He has never said sorry, cried, shown any remorse whatsoever. He would come to the house to see the children and then would go straight to his lovers but continue to tell me he was at home (he is staying with family)...why continue to lie if you have made your mind up? To top it off the OW has updated her status on FB to say she is in a relationship...why would you do that if you have just seen a family destroyed, at least let the dust settle...but she clearly has no morals anyway to get involved with a MM in the first place.
I am now currently on the holiday we booked last year with my two children. My husband asked me to keep in touch and even call him...other than letting him know we arrived I have done neither, hard as it has been to stop myself. The time away has given me time to think and to look at the two little people that love me, he does not deserve any of us. He has sent me two text messages since I have been here...one to ask if we are all OK and the other to ask if a change in his tax code was a bad thing, wtf! It makes me realise that I no longer know this man, that my beautiful husband who I loved so much disappeared a long time ago and has been replaced by a selfish, middle aged twat who put his needs above everyone else's...a selfish person will end up a lonely person at least I hope so. I go home in two days and I am trying to keep strong so that I can deal with all the shit that will happen over the coming weeks and to make myself accept that he has gone. Any words of wisdom and support will be greatly appreciated.

Sorry its so hard at mo.Gather your pals to support you,it'll get worse before better
Dont get preoccupied by OW or fb.she didn't make dh go,he went of own volition
See a solicitor,make plans,list of tasks,legal stuff.keep any txts,et he send

And be boundaried.he cant just be palsy.he cant just rock up
Im sorry about the berevement,this must have felt ghastly on top

I'm not wise, Ciaran, there are some very wise ladies who will be here shortly, I'm sure, with a wealth of good advice for you.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You sound very disorientated and it's completely understandable. Your world has been shaken and you now feel completely responsible for your two children. Their dad must also take responsibility and presumably he will do so. It doesn't help your pain at the moment, I know, but you will find love again and you will be happy again. You need to believe that.

For now, hand holding, and Post here for support, it's very comforting.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time but I think you're doing the right thing by creating some space for yourself. When someone else turns your life upside down overnight it's very important to retake control, even if it's only small things at first. So do exactly as you please, don't be rushed or bounce into anything and make sure you surround yourself exclusively with people who genuinely love and support you. Take advice when you feel able and accept all help when it's offered. Best of luck

I'm sorry you're going through this. Well done for going ahead with the holiday for your kids' sake.

I'm not experienced in this either but I just wanted to say that, to me, it sounds like you are doing amazingly!

You don't sound like you are not wallowing, or in denial at all. You sound like a woman who can clearly see your husband is a twat, you are not blaming yourself or pitying yourself. You just sound very strong, together and determined and you will definitely get through this.

Keep going

I second the avoidance of FB and other social media where you're likely to see more evidence. It will just hurt you more. The thing to do is start the ball rolling in terms of legal and financial practicalities. It's a bit of a nightmare but you need to start separating the finances asap and alerting mortgage, bank, council tax, utilities etc.

These things will help you feel more in control and will send a clear message that you aren't going to go under even as I know you will feel like it now.

See a solicitor. Get advice on your rights. Work out the contact arrangements. Get friends and/or family involved to help you as much as possible. Understand you are not a burden to other people at this time - folk want to feel they can help even if they can't change what's happening to you . Don't worry if you find yourself wanting to tell everyone, anyone, what's going on - it's normal, you're in shock. I told the poor estate agent who came to value the family home. Luckily he was lovely and understanding

Don't engage with your H over anything other than what you need to do for you and the DC's. Remember this man is not your friend even if he acts as though he can be - he wasn't to be trusted while he was having an affair so he certainly can't be trusted now. From now on you are calm, cool, businesslike in your interactions (which should be by email so you can keep a record) and you're going to come out of this a stronger, more confident and happy woman than you can believe right now.

I am sorry though. You've been through so much and sound so lost. Keep posting. There are others here who have been where you are right now and we got through it, as you will.

Thanks for the advice and support, it means a lot.
The OW has blocked me on FB, most probably because my husband told her that I had seen her status. I was a bit upset at the time so stupidly blurted it out during yet another heated discussion. He told me he was not in a relationship with her as such and did not love her but then he has told me so many lies I don't think that he even knows the truth anymore.
My aim when I get back is to be strong, firm and to the point but whether I will actually manage that when I see him is another matter. I am already in the process of sorting out finances so I can keep a roof over our heads, I gave up my well paid job when I had my daughter...something else he now throws in my face. I will get some legal advice when I get back so that I am prepared for any crap he throws my way.
How can someone you have loved for so long, had children with become such a nasty piece of work...how do you ever trust again?

Enjoy whats left of holiday
Get a good solicitor
Be boundaried in terms if how you see him,get him to agree when he visits

The part of your post that starts with 'it makes me realise...' is very valuable. Keep reading it back to help you get through the next few months.
I can totally understand why you wonder if you can ever trust someone again - leave that for the future. Get to know 'you' and learn to be happy with yourself first.
Gong through something like this is IMO similar to a bereavement - he has shit all over the future you thought you had together. Don't let it make you feel sad, instead, find some anger... Because you're bloody right, you deserve better.
Get yourself a solicitor. Arm yourself with supportive friends and family. Don't hold back, tell them what has happened - it is his shame not yours (it took me soon long to work that out).
Good luck OP.

"How can someone you have loved for so long, had children with become such a nasty piece of work...how do you ever trust again?"

Often starts with selfishness and thoughtlessness rather than malice per se. Then they have to rationalise their behaviour to themselves so you get ideas such as 'I've not been happy for some time'.... which may or may not be true, of course. Rather take responsibility and be mature or compassionate about ending the relationship, however, some will provoke arguments and hurl insults to deliberately make the existing relationship feel more broken.

How do you trust again? It'll be a different level of trust with rather more cynicism and rather less naivety, but you will achieve it one day.

Others have given you good advice. Regarding him still trying o be 'friends' with you just respond about the children ignore the other stuff.

been there done that and survived xxxx
i too look at ex and wonder how easily he changed and for the worse a man i dont know, dont like and other people dont like either due to his behaviour.
im off on my hols today with my two and you know what we will have a ball
you will be fine it will make you stronger. you will go through some awful times and feel very down i wont lie its shit but im in my 3rd year now as a single mum and im doing a great job and im very proud of myself and so should you look at you on holiday on your own with them go Superwoman!
DONT you dare feel sorry for yourself or blame yourself instead feel sorry for him ! look at what hes lost , my ex had affair it lasted a year and now hes on his own im in a relationship with a lovely man.
just concentrate on you and the kids and only have minimum contact with him .
you will be absolutely fine xxxxxx

Crikey poor you, what a terrible time you've had. It sounds as if you have coped amazingly well. Well done you!

No advice about the legals or financials as I haven't ever had to do any of that thankfully.

I always find mantras great though...

• He doesn't deserve me.
• I am strong and will get through this.
• There's no going back.

Mentally shut the door on him. Do not let him emotionally back into your life and lay off the social media. Checking up on him and the OW will not help you. You need to concentrate on yourself and your children. Stay firm. You want a kind and supportive not this useless plank of wood.

I am sorry for your situation. You sound strong and determined and very aware. Your husband has behaved badly and is following the script to justify what he has done. If there were problems in your marriage he should have told you and worked together to try and solve them, not turn to another woman and destroy his family, he will soon realise the grass isn't any
greener. Good luck to you, you are doing well and I hope you have support
inrl,
So sorry you have lost your mum. It is such a hard time for you, wishing you strength.
How is your ds? I had gf and have never been so ill took ages to recover.

Yes, yes to the I've not been happy for sometime and other such hackneyed cliches. Just because he's rubbishing your past and the future you thought you had it's crucial that you hang on to your own reality and don't let him define or re-define it for you. That line was the single most damaging and hurtful thing ex H said to me and our DC's when he left. It's maddening because it adds an extra twist to the events in the present. Even now I'll suddenly remember an occasion when ex H disappeared to do something simple, was gone for ages, and I realise he'd have been on the phone to OW. Now I smile and think "ah, of course". It was years ago now but some things never leave you even when they stop hurting, and one day you won't hurt any more.

PP said you should be discovering who YOU are. Absolutely that's what you will have to do before you can trust with the healthy dose of cynicism which cog suggests.

When I was preparing to come face to face with ex in mediation I would see a friend right beforehand and right after for moral support. It helped enormously. Perhaps you can do that too if you need to see him for handovers. Remember this will have an end. You may have DC's together but your couple relationship and the process to complete it's dissolution is finite. You will be MIGHTY OP - and I've nicked that expression from Chump Lady. Please google her website for a no frills, funny, straight talking and stripped-down perspective on cheating and how to survive.

How can someone you have loved for so long, had children with become such a nasty piece of work

Very good question, and all you see when you look back is small-scale selfishness and thoughtlessness, nothing to indicate that the person would have the capacity for such full-scale arseholery.

I can well believe he's not in love with the other woman: he may fuck her over just like he has you.

He has to blame you doesn't he: otherwise he would look in the mirror and see an arsehole looking back.

I am so glad that I did this, I have never posted before and wondered if anyone would be there to listen...thank you so much all of you.
So much good advice, I can hear echoes of what my husband has said to me; 'Not been happy for a long time' 'our marriage has been a lie' 'you pushed me away, it's your fault'...when you are already at rock bottom it does not take a lot to finish you off sadly.
Bossmum41 have a great holiday and thanks for the honesty, I will get through this and FreudianGymSlip I have constantly had those moments, that very long dog walk or working late was really him talking to or being with her...the sad thing is I don't know how many more lies he has told and for how long, what I am trying to do is use this to make me stronger...I hope it works
Countdown for the return home...a bit nervous x

Moonriverandme; my son is finally on the mend, actually better since my husband left...thanks for asking, it has taken him a long time to get better

Ciaran, sorry you are going through this.
Well done for finding the strength and determination to go on the holiday with your dc, it'll do you all a little good.

There's so much already been posted that I agree with. Yes to taking control back. He doesn't get to make 'matey' calls to you, he's not your friend so you would be justified in telling him to FO!
Closing the door mentally and emotionally to him is also good advice. He will try to be nice with the matey texts and calls but in reality he's doing it to make himself feel better, not you and it will mess with your head. Put a stop to any contact unless it's about contact or emergency with dc.

Remember this man has lied, cheated then lied some more - don't believe anything he says.

The ow - I know it's difficult but it'll do you no good to focus on her. Yes she's a bitch if she knew he had a family but she's not the one who made vows to you, he is. Don't look any more on FB, hold your head high, you're worth more, a lot more, plus - she's now with a cheating arsehole - you're not.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. Keep posting here too. You'll get through this