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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know where to start

11 replies

tiredfeduplife · 22/08/2014 17:08

Living with someone who is 'hard work' - how do you cope?

I work 2 jobs. Obviously this means I don't get much time to do housework and so on. But I do bits as I go. He does a big clean up every once in a while (once every 3 weeks?) and then has a go at me because all the mess is apparently mine - it really isn't. Sometimes stuff builds up as there literally isn't anywhere to put everything.

Has no friends. He has fallen out with most of his crowd - two or three remain but I'm fairly sure out of pity. They will occasionally agree to having a drink but because most people refuse to have anything to do with him this is infrequent (I mean if there's a big event like a wedding he isn't invited.) He gets angry about this and rants and raves and then seems to realise they are his only friends. He's been angsting for ages over whether or not to go to a BBQ and said yesterday he'd decided not to go. I said that was unfair as his mate had bought the food and drink. Long moan about my life and how terrible it is.

Takes medication at night at about 8, spends evening eating chocolate and watching films. That's IT. Only hobbies are playing a guitar and going to the gym.

He's crude and boorish and rude. Dreadful table manners, yawns loudly and obnoxiously, speaks too loudly, sneezes and coughs but won't cover mouth. Small things i know but hard to deal with .

I seem to spend my days apologising for him!

What CAN I do? I'm so tired and fed up.

OP posts:
Purpleflamingos · 22/08/2014 17:11

Is this your partner? You don't sound like you love him. Listing all his faults and asking internet strangers what to do will possibly only result in the mumsnet verdict of LTB. Do you have children?

Stopanuary · 22/08/2014 17:12

So why are you with him?

UptheAnty · 22/08/2014 17:13

Have you spoke to your partner about how you feel?

tiredfeduplife · 22/08/2014 17:17

He gets very upset\angry at any attempts to talk to him and try to work out a solution. You get 'okay okay' impatiently or he says 'yeah you're right' or 'I'll have it' - meaning yes I accept what you're saying. But then nothing seems to change.

It breaks my heart. You see flashes of the person. Last night we were chatting in an idle silly way about kids and family order and I said something like 'if you could choose would you have a boy or girl first?' He said he wouldn't have a boy at all because he would be terrified of having 'another me. Bringing another me into the world.'

It's as if he knows he's fundamentally not a very nice or likeable person but is powerless to change it.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 22/08/2014 17:29

Why on earth would you have kids with this man, you don't even like him?

You know it's not him or nothing, right?

tiredfeduplife · 22/08/2014 17:33

I didn't mean with me. But in general.

I do love him and care about him and I know I'm probably the only thing he's got in his life.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/08/2014 17:55

It's not your fault that you're the only thing he's got. Hmm Seems that he goes out of his way to isolate himself and make himself objectionable. Why should it be you that has to tolerate the crap? Why do you owe him special treatment? What wrong did you do in a past life that you deserve this?......

Seems to me that you're being manipulated into sticking around precisely with this guilt inducing idea that you're all he has left. What you feel for him isn't love I don't think, but some kind of obligation. Let him apologise for himself rather than you taking responsibility.

You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it pandering to a bully.

tipsytrifle · 22/08/2014 17:55

if i was in that situation i would consider not living with him. Not necessarily ditching the whole relationship but simplifying life by extricating myself from a heck of a mess with potential to get even worse.

How are you fixed mortgage rent wise?

I think I'd just want my independence back and then some clarity; endless suffering is kind of futile in my opinion ...

What he said about a son and himself is both tragic and a huge red flag.

PedantMarina · 22/08/2014 18:01
  1. those few remaining friends who are sticking around put of pity? see if you can guess where I'm going with this....
  1. Please, PLEASE tell me there's a non-DP reason you're working two jobs....
badbaldingballerina123 · 22/08/2014 18:16

Why have you settled for a partner who behaves like this ? I couldn't be doing with him pity partying like that. I'd have zero respect for him.

pilates · 22/08/2014 18:48

I think you need to have a trial separation. It may be the kick up the arse he needs. He sounds unpleasant and your life awful.

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