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Relationships

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Original poster

How much time spent is normal and healthy in new relationship?

21 replies

newnormalrelationship · 22/08/2014 15:51

Been seeing someone for 2 months 3 weeks.

We seem to disagree on what's normal /healthy amount of time to spend together vs apart/doing other things/having alone time/time w friends.

What would you say is healthy at this point?

thank you

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/08/2014 15:53

It's an individual thing. If one of you wants to be together all the time and the other doesn't then nobody is right, nobody is wrong, but the chances are you are incompatible. If it's annoying you, end it.

Original poster

newnormalrelationship · 22/08/2014 16:05

OK I get that we have to agree. But e.g.seeing each other 7 days a week, even if both agreed, surely isn't healthy?

Just after ball park reasonable in general view... 2 days / week? 3? 4? 5?
On average and roughly.....

OP posts:

Original poster

newnormalrelationship · 22/08/2014 16:06

OK I get that we have to agree. But e.g.seeing each other 7 days a week, even if both agreed, surely isn't healthy?

Just after ball park reasonable in general view... 2 days / week? 3? 4? 5?
On average and roughly.....

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/08/2014 16:07

Some people would love to be in contact 24/7 living in each other's pockets. Not you and not me personally, but that's what I mean about compatibility. They're not 'wrong' but, if you're finding them suffocating, they're wrong for you.

Andcake · 22/08/2014 16:08

I'd say 3 days a week - 7 days spells nutter whose a bit ott- who is in love with the idea of love and would smother me - I need my space

M27J5M · 22/08/2014 16:13

I think it really depends in each couple individually, when I 1st met my bf I seen him once a week for the 1st month and then it gradually got to 2/3/4 nights a week over time, now I'm stuck with him 6/7 nights a week and moving in together in a few weeks so will be stuck with him everyday I say stuck with him as if it's a hardship, it's not, I mean it in the lightest of ways

I hope you both find a balance that suits you both and it all works out

magicalmrmistofelees · 22/08/2014 16:14

Completely depends on the couple/relationship. With my DH we probably saw each other 5/6 days out of 7 from the start, both of us had recently relocated to the same place away from friends/family (work) and we genuinely just enjoyed each other's company. Now we're married we probably spend less time together! If you think 7 days is unhealthy then that's a valid opinion. Does he want to see you more than you want to see him?

brokenhearted55a · 22/08/2014 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

newnormalrelationship · 22/08/2014 17:30

don't get me wrong - I do enjoy spending time with him!!! We have a lot in common and I can definitely see a future!!!

But I have also been single for a year and half and find the "all my time" to "see him lots" a bit overwhelming! It's just taking me some getting used to! I am happy in my own company. He appears (my view only) to live for the "next time we see eachother"....

He thinks I have barriers up because I've been in an abusive relationship. I think my barriers are quite healthy now! Took me a long time and councelling to not "dive head first" into every relationship.

It's something he's done before. Very full on very fast. He's acknowledged that's not good and agreed to move slow. But I do feel constantly rushed along. I have banned him from the L word (which he is itching to say!)
We were seeing eachother 3 days a week. We were talking about changing this to 4 days.

But I am in middle of changing jobs and things are a bit hectic in the transition and I don't feel supported - but like he's only looking how this impacts on what he wants. He hasn't said this! Maybe I'm reading the wrong things between the line....

I know I need to talk to him. Something we agreed we'd do, and find a compromise... I just wanted to gague a rough "this is healthy, this isn't!" and work out if one of us is a bit unrealistic!

I feel rushed and if you asked him he probably feels that I'm "snail-ing"
:S

PS didn't mean to drip feed, but wanted non-biased general ideas without the added info tainting that...

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/08/2014 17:38

Feeling rushed is not a good sign in a relationship, I'm sorry. Intense is not necessarily a good character trait as it can easily morph into obsession. Wanting to monopolise your time is a hair's breadth from 'possessive' - not good. Neither is that you don't feel supported. If he's all about what he wants, bulldozing ahead and is not sensitive to what you want then, regardless of what he says, judge him by what he does. If he isn't taking you seriously and says he thinks you have barriers up, he's showing you no respect.

You should have put this initially.... context is everything.

M27J5M · 22/08/2014 17:39

I'd probs feel the same as you in that situation, I was single for 4 years before I met my bf, I'd went on a few dates with guys etc and feeling rushed is exactly what made me run early in! It was the opposite when I met my bf lol I felt like I was the 1 itching to see him but I never let him know/see that

stardusty5 · 22/08/2014 17:45

I wouldn't like someone who made me feel bad that I didn't want to spend every second with them. One of the things I really liked about my new fiance when we first met was that he was also happy in his own company. Now that we live together it's harder to get that balance, and as much as I love him, I do miss being able to retreat to my cosy little house for a night here and there.

Wh0dathunkit · 22/08/2014 17:58

The needing to be together or in contact all the time, for me was a red flag which I didn't notice until it was too late, I used to be stuck on the phone to the ex every evening, and it used to drive me bonkers.
Things moved along far too fast (for that relationship), and I got into a right old pickle. Other stuff was happening at the same time, which made me ignore a lot of stuff that I probably wouldn't have done in previous situations - starting a new job was one of them.

This time round, I've found someone who is as good with their own company as they are with mine, and because he is a shift worker, we get our own sofa time, which really helps.
I don't know how much this helps you, but someone who jumps from one full on contact thing to another, to another is going to be hard work, IMHO

Original poster

newnormalrelationship · 22/08/2014 18:00

ok that hasn't come across right!

he's been - so far - totally supportive! And very much listened and agreed with my pace...

maybe it's just my feeling that he's not overly happy it's all going at MY pace? (and it's not even my pace, it's a compromise!) and I am not sure it's HIM making me feel this way - or just me feeling it.... a few subtle comments....

in general he has been very mindful and patient and listening!

but yes I find him intense. he'd probably admit that himself.

but he's absolutely not bulldozing me! or making me feel bad!
it's more like a bit of hurt I don't want the same is coming through?

Like I said we haven't really talked about my latest "feeling rushed", which I have not yet mentioned... but wanted to gauge a "normal" before I start the talk...

OP posts:

trackrBird · 22/08/2014 18:02

I don't think full on very fast is a good indicator, particularly if you aren't comfortable with it and have said so.

Never mind what he thinks about your barriers. What you're comfortable with is your business. He should respect that, and try to stop being so needy.

Not feeling supported is not good either. Talk with him about it by all means, but I'd agree with Cog that you need to keep an eye on what he does, and how you feel about what he does, to see if you really have a future.

mike07 · 22/08/2014 18:02

I've been seeing my gf for just over 4 months. We usually see each other 2/3 times a week and that's plenty.
Remember to keep some me time and if you had a social life with friends keep that going as well.

Lweji · 22/08/2014 18:03

If he pushes you too much to spend time with you, then I'd be concerned that he didn't respect my boundaries, tbh.

Once a month or 7/7 can be healthy depending on what both partners want.
If you want 3 times a week and he wants 7 and you can compromise on 4 or 5, I'd say that's healthy. If he pressures you and limits time you have free to see friends and family on your own, then I'd dump him. Particularly as he's blaming you and your supposed "issues". Erm...

WorkingBling · 22/08/2014 18:05

I think in the early days of a relationship it's quite common to be a bit obsessed with each other. But you both need to feel it.

magicalmrmistofelees · 22/08/2014 20:24

I actually find it odd that it's become an issue... I mean in every relationship I've had we've just seen each other when we've wanted to see each other! We've never negotiated how often we should see each other, or expressed that it should be more or less. It's always just been 'you're free, I'm free, I want to see you, you want to see me, let's do something'. No angst. I would hate to feel pressured into seeing someone if I had something else planned or if I wanted to do nothing! So can understand you feeling twitchy if it's becoming an issue.

Catzeyess · 23/08/2014 08:47

IMHO if anything is an issue this early on I would dump and move on, it's a sign of incompatibility at the very least.

Early bit in a relationship should be fun and everything should just come naturally, I think me and dh didn't fight/have any disagreements for 6 about months, a lot of friends in ltr have said similar. My Dsis had similar questions to you when she started dating someone, they limped on for a year and a bit before she realised there was nothing wrong with either of them, they were just incompatible.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/08/2014 08:54

At that stage we saw each other every other weekend [stayed at each other's places] and one night in the week if we could. But we did live an hour away from each other.

If you feel rushed, however you feel, then please be wary. if it doesn't flow naturally then that little niggle can become a massive issue if you ever decide to live together.

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