I trust him in most things, but .....

[Abitskint]

I didn't know where to put this, but relationships seems the most logical place.

We have had a rotten last year, lots of illness for me, so lots of stress and hardwork for dh, looking after us and working.

Anyway, he's been really unhappy at work for some months, since the company was taken over and the whole structure changed. He now hates his job, and since November has tried to talk to his boss about making changes to how he works. They've made promises to help, but naver carried them out. They've told him one thing, then done something else, about 7 times. In January he got a really good appraisal, and a payrise, but in February someone else with less experience was promoted above him, even tho' he was given reason to expect the promotion. He's been looking for another job, but not found anything yet.

Anyway, last thursday he resigned.

He says he will find a freelance contract once he's free to start, but you can't get those if you've got to work notice.

He's now much happier, we've had the best weekend with him for months, he's even up for sex, which he's been too depressed to consider for some time.

But I'm really worried. We have very little savings to fall back on, and I'm not quite ready to search for work yet. Even if I was, I doubt I could earn enough to keep us. What if he doesn't find a contract? The fixed rate on our mortgage runs out next month, and I was just going to try to renegotiate. Can't now, and the payment will go up just as his salary stops.

How do I keep my chin up. I cried when he'd gone out to work on Friday, I'm so very scared.

I guess I should trust his judgement, but this time he's skating on thin ice.

abitskint I know exactly how you feel. I'm freelance and about 10 months ago my DP left his job to go to another one but he left after 3 days (!) because it was not right, then he was diagnosed with depression and he started working freelance.

I was petrified that we would have no money and not be able to pay the mortgage (we have no savings so nothing to fall back on) but fortunately he found lots of work and about 4 weeks ago he was offered another permanent position which he started today!
What does your DH do? Does he have any good contacts he can speak to about work?
Can you negoitate a short payment break on your mortgage? lenders are usually OK aslong as you talk to them in advance about these things.

I'm sure something will come up but in the shorterm try not to get too worried - I went through a period of worrying myself sick about it but it really doesn't help.

my advice would be talk to your lender about deferred/reduced payments immediately. sign on for jobseekers allowance first day of official unemployment. tell children's tax credits immediatly.
all of this takes a lot of time before payment arrives
then sods law says that by the time this has been sorted out he will have found a job & you will no longer need it.

I hope something turns up soon for your DH. it sounds as though he has already benefitted from his decision. hopefully he will now have the time to find a job he likes and will appear relaxed & enthusiastic when it gets to interviews. whilst doing a job he didn't like i am guessing that he was too stressed & busy to think about looking for another job.

good luck

my Dh has been without a job since last July. he refused to sign on (pride) and we ahve been living off savings. in february the savings were all but gone so he signed on. we are a complicated acse as we ahve our own company, i do a little self-employment plus i do some agency work. so after signing on 5th Feb we still haven't had any money - it's with the 'decision maker'!
after months of 'nothing in the pipeline' there is now something that is looking hopeful - fingers crossed.

Katie,
DH is in software development. His skills are starting to get behind cutting-edge (one of his concerns at work), and he has now passed the magic age of 40, which is generally considered to be 'getting old' in the IT arena. Age will be my problem too, as I was in IT.

He has spent time over the weekend e-mailing everyonme he knows to tell them he's resigned, including former colleagues. he's not the first to leave since the take-over.

Thanks for the support

brilliant advice from mummysurfer! start this afternoon and find out what ypu are entitled to. Most lenders are very reasonable as long as they are kept informed.Don't be scared - it will all be okay {{{{}}}}

oh, just one more worry for me. He may have to work away on a contract, Monday to Friday.

Do any of you live like this. ATM I really look forward to sitting and talking with him, snuggled on the sofa at the end of each day, sometimes he's the only other adult I see in a day. I'm frightened of being lonely, and of seeming clingy, which I know I am now.

How do others cope?

I should worry too much about the age issue. Good IT contractors are hard to think - has he registered with relevent agencies?

the weekly contract wouldn't be great but you'd be OK and it wouldn't be forever - do you have friends and family nearby. I really know how hard it is not to worry but I'm sure things will work out. Would he want to/consider retraining?

that should have been

"I SHOULDN'T worry to much about the age issue"

Doh!

yes we've done this.contracts are like this, dh is also in IT. dh was 12 months in Munich & 6 months at the other end of the country.
the worst part about it was winter, when the nights seem so long. so if it were now it's the better time of year.
you do get used to it. think it was worse for dh really. he missed the kids, missed home meals, missed having a settee on which to watch TV instead of a bed!!
i did find that i was more organised. i knew that if i didn't do it then it wouldn't get done. whereas when he's here i leave it hoping he may do it then of course it diesn't get done.

how old are your children?

you won't be lonely in the eveings, just always in the MN bar.

DHs working away from home was chatted about on here too

I've just re-read my last posting, God don't I sound pathetic, Feel it too. Just one little boy here btw.

Mummysurfer, I remember your concerns earlier in the year, put in my very upbeat comments (using my more usual name) to you, how the mighty fall. Is he still unemployed. Really sorry.

I know I'm probably panicking over nothing. I don't have family in the area, and not a big network of friends, and got out of the habit of going out alone with being ill, so feel like I'll be a bit trapped while dh is away (if he's away).

Katie,

re retraining, DH wants to update his skills. If he is unemployed for a while I know he'd spend time and effort getting into newer technologies, but I can't imagine him doing something other than software development. It has defined him for all his working life, been his hobby as well as his job (he can seem like a geek at times ). I know he's very good at it, we used to work together in consultancy, but afraid right now of falling behind.

I do understand. I used to work as a project manager for a new media company and my brother is a programmer in the states - it can be a very young profession can't it. If he is good at it, always tinkering around and learning new things and experienced, why is he worried about falling behind? Is it just a case of needing to learn new programming language?

Katie

Yes, he needs to get into the two newest languages for the type of work he does (C# and .NET, if that means anything to you). He does try to tinker with them, and has a number of textbooks (which he can read in bed like novels to my amazement), but wasn't given the opportunity to use them in real apps at work. If he has time on his hands, he is going to re-write one of his old apps in c# just for practise, and he'll love doing it.

Thing is, last time he was looking for a job (4 years ago) he got loads of interviews, and 2 job offers within 10 days of starting to look. He's been applying for some jobs since Feb, not one interview, which is why I wonder if his age suddenly counts against him (he's 42)

Well, here we are, 2 weeks to go until dh's last paycheque, and he's had 1 interview (rejected). Nothing in the pipeline yet, although he's applying for everything everywhere.

I've had to tell my mum he's resigned (she was pressing me about us going on holiday). She's waited all this time for him to let me down, and now I think she is getting ready to say "see I was right". I told her he might have to stay away from home for a while if he gets a contract and she said to me "Oh, NO. you don't want him to do that, he'll go astray", you can imagine that cheered me up immensely.

I'm searching for work too. spent all morning composing my application for a job posted yesterday. E-mailed my CV, and followed up with a phone call to be told The job has been filled.

cheer up Abitskint, he's not let you down whatever your mum may think. Lots of people work away from home and if they were all 'at it'imagine what the world would be like. I wouldn't imagine that it is an ideal situation to have him working away but don't start distrusting him before he even goes. Lack of cash is a very hard burden (I know - I've really been there) but there are worse things. Have you contacted all the companies you need to? And the benefits agency? Try and stay positive - the worse has not happened yet and is not guaranteed to.

Thanks Helsbels

I know it might never happen, but we've had such a rough year (I think you've guessed who I am) it just seems like nothing will go right ever again.

I am fighting to keep my chin up. I haven't resorted to antidepressants yet (despite the GP trying to force them on me last November), and don't want this to drive me under. Sorry just unloading on you lot I guess

that's what we're here for!! e-mail me if you need to chat xx

just as an afterthought - I ended up at the doctors a couple of years before ds was born with anxiety and mild depression but I could think of nothing that was wrong - my gp said that was probably the problem - I was so used to things being shitty that I was waiting for something bad to happen and worrying about it before it even came along

abit skint, it may seem silly, but tell your dh to drop a few years off his age on his CV. So don't put his date of birth, put "age - 37". It is likely to make all the difference in getting interviews, and that way he doesn't actually have to lie - if asked his age he can tell it, and say "sorry, I didn't catch that when I updated my CV". But he probably won't be asked.

I'm a director of a very cutting edge software company that does a lot of JAIN and .NET development work and much as I hate to agree with you, I think age does make a difference in that environment. It shouldn't but it does. Good luck!

my dp has just finally decided to head for project management, rather than totally technical in software development, kids coming in from uni, working twice as fast for half the price, my dp got too expensive to hire out on internal projects so ended up doing all the ones that were over time.
He also worked away in Brussels for a year, it was ok... money made it worth it in the end.
I know for training my dp did c+ with the learning tree and some other bits too, which helped him a lot.
Your DH sounds motivated and keen, this will stand him in good stead, you have received good advice, I hope it all pans out for you...

Oh blimey!

He finishes work tomorrow, his last pay check has just gone in to the bank.

We both have lots of job applications in, but no interviews.

I've just started biting my nails, for the first time ever. I'd start smoking, but I can't afford it !

Well here we are, both desperately searching for a job, but nothing yet.

Dh getting despondant (already), he had an interview before end April, didn't get it. He rang to ask why, and at least the guy said that dh had so much experience, and was of an age that he (the manager conducting the interview) would be watching his back all the time, afraid for his own job, which is why dh wasn't appointed.

He hasn't had any further interviews. I've asked him to give me his CV, cos I think it probably needs updating in style, but he keeps 'forgetting' to pass me a copy (I don't want to sneak a look, it's undermining). I think he doesn't want to accept my help in this, neanderthal provider mode kicking in (stupid bggr)

He went to the jobcentre yesterday, got a huge wad of forms to fill in, something I'll have to nag him about. I've downloaded the forms on Income support, do you know it's 47 pages, plus 11 more cos I'm a director of a dormant company (so no income from it).

Why no bl**dy interviews though ????

Abitskint, just read your thread and I really do understand what you are feeling as in a similar situation to yourself. DH has job at the moment but has to apply for his own job and might not get it as similar thing has happened in the past. I have just updated DH CV and pushed him no end to apply for another postion as I got a feeling what might be coming as in NO JOB! This has been a bad year fro me too, Lost my dd, problems with ds, Anyway I dedcided i'm not going to let it get to me and take it in my stride and I think you may have to do the same . Another tip for CV get him to go to an agency and for them to have a look at DH CV they may update for free or make some suggestions. You can also ask companies for feedback to help you for future applications. Hope this helps larsxx

Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd post to let you know, he's gone off to the smoke tonight to start a contract tomorrow. It took him 3 & 1/2 weeks after leaving his job to get it, so I don't suppose that's bad at all. I have just got over the 2 week tension headache I've been trying to hide from him, I assume caused by the worry of "where's the money going to come from?".

He has to be away all week, which I'm really miserable about (he's not pleased either, poor love). So I'll be up for lots of company on Mumsnet over the next 2 months (or however much longer the contract goes on for).

Sorry if I seemed (or still seem) a wimp.

Thanx all for advice.

Love A