So fed up

[VirtualPointyHat]

I feel so miserable this evening I just need to have a rant.

DH earns signficantly less than I do, but with commission should get roughly the same. We have a monthly plan where we both pay money into our joint account for mortgage and utilities. We then have the same amount left to cover our equal commuting costs and other spending. We also cover the food shop alternate weeks from our own money.

The agreement is that when DH brings home commission we work out what to spend it on together.

There is money due to come soon with which I want to pay off a small debt, but DH has just told me he is way into his overdraft again and needs the money to pay that off.

This keeps happening, he will not stick to his money.

He also had £500 as birthday gifts which has all disappeared.

We have had a few unexpected costs in the last few months which have eaten up all the rainy day money I have carefully squirelled away, and now we have to MOT the car tomorrow and I have no idea how to pay for repairs if it doesn't pass.

I have no money for anything - I need a haircut but just cannot afford it.

I feel so resentful to DH for "taking my money" not just as I pay more in, but all my spare money seems to go on household things, and his on his hobbies, and also I feel like he gets his money twice as half his commission should be "mine".

I know he works hard, but I hate that he is just pissing money away while I tear my hair out over our bills.

I also do way more than my fair share of the housework. Its like he doesn't see it. We have friends coming for dinner over the bank holiday, the kitchen and dining room are finally tidy so he thinks it is ok, he doesn't consider we may want to sit in lounge, or people may need to use the bathroom.

As a final nail in the coffin of my misery, every bank holiday weekend this year has been dedicated to his hobbies with me trailing around the country after him. This one was meant to be different, but now will be the same. Also for his birthday I saved hard and spent £200 on a treat activity for us. It is my birthday the weekend after next and he has said I need to pay half as he cant afford it.

Don't know what I am asking for really, but just need to get it all out.

if you managed to read that to the end

Wow,
So I think he is taking the piss.
Do you really need to be with such a person.
Split now.

Some for you, you seem sooooo fed up tonight.

Time to re-think the Plan, I think, your current division of funds clearly isn't working. I'd imagine that food/household costs go into the communal pot along with all the other essential outgoings, for starters, but anyway, time to sit down together with paper and pens and agree a realistic budget?. Which should include money for haircuts, btw

We dont put money for food into the household account, because I don't trust DH to remember what is in there, and frankly only want one overdraft to deal with

You're right, we need to talk, but when we do it somehow becomes him feeling insecure for earning less

Have you asked him how he would feel if you told him you needed the entire commission amount to catch up your overdraft?

It sounds like perhaps he feels that his money should be his and he is angling things that way on purpose.

No, I haven't because that would never happen, and he knows it so he tells me it is irrelevant

He is financially abusive. He can't be that insecure about earning less or he wouldn't have the gumption to make it glaringly obvious each month by spending all your money.

You need to sit down and write a definitive budget that you both need to stick to.

If you have joint debts that need to be paid, I would suggest that they are paid first. If he is in his overdraft and this is a regular occurance and you split your money equally then maybe he has to reconsider his hobby. Nothing will change if there are no consequences to his actions. Why would it?

Maybe you should split your finances differently so that whatever his commission is can be used for his hobby.

If he tries to tell you that he is insecure that he earns less, you need to tell him that youare insecure that you are in a financially abusive relationship, where you earn more but have to go without whilst your dh goes on out and enjoys hobbies and runs up debts whilst you go without necessities.

This is an unbelievable lack of respect. I hope this ends better for you than I fear it might.

How is your relationship otherwise?

You need a more 'open book' approach to family finances. All out of the table. Whatever is going into the joint pot clearly isn't enough if you're ending up in debt covering essentials like car repairs. If he's maxing out his overdraft then there's a problem there as well. If you can't have this conversation without it getting unpleasant (and I'm reading 'insecure' as meaning 'getting defensive') then you probably need third party involvement. Have you considered couples counselling?

Just be clear. If despite the fact that you earn more you split money equally and you can manage on that without getting into your overdraft but foregoing hobbies then why can't he?

What would he do if you weren't there to pay for him?

Be careful, if you are married I think you may be responsible for his debt also, so I would make sure you have a clear understanding of all debt he is accruing.

Thanks, its a mess isn't it.

I know there is no other debt as we bought a house recently and obviously we had to go through all of this to sort that.

We are on a very high interest rate mortgage because of a couple of black spots on my credit history, so I think he blames me for that. If Virtual looked after he money better then we wouldn't have to spend so much on the mortgage.

Then you need to sit down as Cogito said and have an open and frank discussion. A third party sounds like a great idea if you think he will get defensive. It might also be a good idea because it sounds like you may feel sorry for him and give in to him because of his "insecurities" where he doesn't give you the same courtesy.

A third party might organise things more clearly in a way that can't be manipulated and benefit everyone and then you can't be blamed.

Thanks. Will get onto the waiting list for relate.

Relate is best option, yes.
But in the meantime, you say his commission makes income about equal? Then don't calculate his share to the household account on his base salary. Just split it 50/50. It's up to him to keep the extra from a good month of commission in his single account to cover for the poor months. Let all his commission be his, and let him cope with variable income.
I might ditch the joint account altogether, and take half each of the bills. Easier for him to say " the gas wasn't paid because we didn't have enough in joint account " than " I haven't paid the gas bill".
Also, if the bills are in one name and he fucks up, it's not your credit rating that gets battered. Personally I'd take the priority debt type bills - mortgage and council tax - and leave him the others.

But then again, if you have to live like that...

But I'd definitely start considering his average monthly commission as a done deal and take it into account when deciding what he transfers to joint account.