Practical issues after separation: him walking into his house

[ravenmum]

He moved out in May but we are still jointly paying for the house, the plan for now being that one day when the kids go we can sell it and split the proceeds. This means that though he's moved out, he's kept the key to the house.

When we came back from holiday, a neighbour mentioned that he'd chatted to my STBX husband who had answered the door to our house when we were away. I hadn't known he'd gone in there. He'd told me he'd be away during that time.

Today he brought back our teenagers from an afternoon out. I heard the door open and a minute later there was a knock on my bedroom door. Thinking it was the kids I let out a friendly "hello", but the door opened and it was him, coming to lecture me on the origins of a crack in the wall he knew no more about than I did.

I don't want my house open to this man. When he left he took paperwork without asking, and though he's now given me copies I can't trust him fully, after him lying to me about his affair for a year. I don't want to be caught unawares by him as I relax in my home, as I just don't like him.

He won't be keen on giving up the key, or me changing the locks, as he keeps saying it's his house too. I can't ban him from his property, can I? How do you organise this? Or is it just a stupid idea in the first place to keep buying the house together?! It's a nice house and I like living here.

Your agreement sounds totally informal. Have you spoken to a solicitor? If you're staying there you need legal protection. Do you want him to change his mind in a year because a new girlfriend doesn't like him buying a house with you?
You can get an order ( Mesher, I think) where he stays on mortgage but it's your home. Whatever you do, do it legally and get the cheating atsehole to get the fuck out of YOUR home!!

Boundaries!!!!!!!!!!

See a solicitor about getting the assets properly separated. You can't go on like this.

Failing that make sure you get a dead bolt for your bedroom door, and keep it locked at all times and keep anything confidential or valuable in your room.

He loves going over those boundaries; that's apparently what turns him on. I have been wimping out about going to the solicitor, live abroad and will have to do it all in my second language - yeay - and have been ill and overworked.

Tried to get a date we could meet a solicitor together but no luck. You are right, though, I'll have to go on my own. That is probably better as it means he can't hog the conversation and pretend the solicitor is his best buddy.

Really not sure if the whole idea of sharing the mortgage is just stupid though. But I don't know if that's because it's a bad idea or because it's his idea and I can't stand him.

It's not a bad idea if it is all worked out legally and it suits you.
It is a bad idea if it means he sees it as his place to wander into at will.
One day you'll be seeing someone lovely and new. How are you going to feel then when ex says you can't have him stay over in his house? Or decides to let himself in to piss all over his territory?

He cheated on you, he stole paperwork... You can't and mustn't trust him. Why are you even thinking about seeing a solicitor WITH him?!!

You don't have to be adversarial - I wasn't, but my solicitor was for me only.

You're fortunate that your first language is widely spoken :) ring round solicitors - you may find one able to deal with you in English or at least a mix.

Do not trust this man.

Btw - I don't pay towards my old house, but I retain a legal interest in it. I have a legal charge over it - similar to that of a mortgage company. I paid for a third of it. I actually still have a key - even gave a key to my new house to my ex as I'm often away and there might one day be a good reason for my daughter picking something up in my absence.
Neither of us would DREAM of going into the others house without permission.

Can you afford to get the locks changed?

You definitely need to find out your legal position. In the UK your ex would be entitled to keys to the property but that may not be the case where you live.

Start by asking him not to enter the house in writing. If he refuses or carries on invading your home, follow up by changing the locks or by adding extra deadlocks or bolts. You're now a single woman on her own in a house so extra security is sensible. If he wants to be a tit about the technicalities of ownership he might try arguing for access through the courts but that will take time. If he gets aggressive trying to gain access, call the police.

Then get a local friend to go with you to see a lawyer. Clean break.

A solicitor doesn't act for two people who have different interests. You need one to represent yours and if your ex chooses, he can have his own. Currently your ex is exploiting your lack of knowledge of the law, worries about the language and desire not to upset people to treat you like a doormat.

Get on the phone and book an appointment ASAP.

I want my own solicitor but had presumed my husband would have to be involved in the meeting somehow if it is about agreeing on who can do/have what. But this sounds like a better idea to go alone now. I have to say that I just saw this particular thing (him walking in) as a question of him being inconsiderate rather than something I needed to sort out legally - duh.

I've been here a long time and probably speak the language better than the solicitor would speak English, but this is a whole new set of rules and vocab I need to learn and it still requires that bit of extra concentration.

My husband is unfortunately very good at bluffing his way through and appearing to know it all, and does this whole "best chums" thing in this kind of situation, e.g. finding out they grew up in the same town or talking about things from their youth so that I can't join in the conversation. In the past this never did any harm, obviously, as we were on the same side, but now I have to get used to butting in and stopping him taking over.

OK, I will take the plunge now.

And change the locks... let him sort that one out with a solicitor. You need to stay safe first. Your solicitor will tell you if you have overstepped a boundary, but do it now... so you feel safe in your own home.

You can just change the barrels. It isn't expensive.

So far he's been reasonably generous about paying towards the kids; am a bit worried about making him less generous by changing the locks, seeing as it is such a big symbolic thing to him that the house is half his. I don't want him making things any more difficult than they have to be.

Why can't you sell up now, and get your own place?
If you wait for the dc to grow up you will be older have less earning power and if prices have risen be priced out of the market for your own house.

If he's paying half this mortgage say instead of child support then surely it would be better for you to have child support to go towards your own house.

You really need to find out how things work in the country that you are in. It maybe where you are that you do have to see a solicitor together etc.

It's all very well posters saying do x y and z but this could get you in serious trouble in the country in which you are.

Change the lock, give him a key, but make sure you drop the latch whenever you are in the house, then he will have to knock.

You can't tippy-toe meekly around him for the rest of your life for fear that he'll withdraw funds. That kind of 'blackmail' situation is exactly what legal settlements are there to prevent. Personally, I would not want to reliant purely on someone else's goodwill for the roof over my head or the money in my bank account - especially if that person is known to be a slimy arse - I would want to be self-reliant backed up with agreements I could take to court if breached.

See your lawyer, download a translation app, take a dictionary along, whatever it takes. There won't be that much specialist vocabulary and, once you know the local term for 'sue his ass off', you'll know it :)

I would set up my own home and spilt the house (or whatever is legal)

It will never feel like your own this way.

Surprisingly got an appointment with the solicitor right away this afternoon and he filled me in on my rights about him entering the house; he has to have my permission and I can change the locks if I like, though even the solicitor said that might just encourage him to lawyer up and get nasty/ier.

Tried to bring it up with my husband in a reasonable way on the phone, but then let my annoyance get the better of me and complained (in an annoyed but not horrible way) about him going in when I was on holiday. He started blustering about how I'd asked him to lock the garage, which obviously meant he had to enter the house (he said). I pointed out that all I wanted was the privacy he has in his flat, but he started crying and put the phone down, then sent me an email saying "it was too upsetting for me trying to be supportive and helpful and doing the right thing and to find out it was still wrong".

So once again this is all about me being horrible to him when he is being lovely, and the fact that he actually invaded my privacy is ignored; now he says that of course he'll do that as he is a nice guy, and though I can see what he's doing, it still looks like I'm the nasty one, and part of me thinks I must be nasty because I got annoyed and made him cry.

I tend to think that if someone stoops to turning on the waterworks, they've lost the argument. If you're the nasty one, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. :) Get the locksmith in therefore and find someone else to lock your garage from now on.

Just get that house sold and split the proceeds. He's playing you like a violin and will continue to do so until you have your own front door.

Keep the email. It may be useful later to show how manipulative he is.

Let him cry. Keep talking to your solicitor.

This is a very effective method of control. My DM and DSis both use it and it drives me mad. I've learned to shrug my shoulders and let them get on with it which, when you get used to it, is quite liberating.

Just ignore the tears and the martyrdom and carry on as normal but the minute he crosses that line again, don't be afraid to call him on it, politely and calmly but firmly.

Keep your key in the lock and he won't be able to put his key in to unlock the door?