Lonely

[saltedcashewnut]

I am in my mid-twenties. I have 2 friends. One of them lives in the same city as me, but I see her maybe once every couple of months. The other moved to London at the start of the year, and I have seen her once, when I initiated contact and suggested we meet as I was going to London for the weekend. If I don't initiate contact, I hear nothing from her. I have no friends from school / college days, no friends from old jobs - I just don't seem to be able to 'stick' to people.

I really struggle to find the kind of friendship that I am after... I joined a social group, and met some people there, but once my work life got too busy for me to go regularly, I fell out of touch with them all, and our friendships weren't at the stage where you could go weeks without talking and then catch up like old times. I also find it a lot better to be with people one-on-one, but there is no real way of meeting people like that, that I can think of - it is all in a group. What I need is speed-dating or online dating for friends!

Through work I met a couple of people that I got on well with, but I was only working with them for 6 weeks, and after that 6 weeks we could never find a time when we were all free, and that too fizzled out.

I am in a long distance relationship, and see my partner once a fortnight at the weekend. He is 15 years older than me with 3 kids, he is a stay-at-home parent. He has quite a full life, what with the kids, various family and friends - and that makes me feel worse and makes me question myself. He would love me to spend time with them all but I have only met some of them briefly in the 2 years that we have been together because I don't feel that they will like me or that I am interesting enough - I don't do anything except go to work, come home and spend evenings on my own. Just this weekend my partner said "it really surprises me that you have absolutely no social life" - which made me feel awful, even though he didn't mean it to be hurtful.

Sounds stupid but is there anything anyone knows of that is a sort of 'online dating for friends'? I realise that however I meet people I will have to put the time in, and won't get best friends overnight. I have given groups a really good shot (the social group I mentioned, and a walking group) - but I can't commit to the same time same location that most groups require, and dipping in and out just leaves me feeling like an outsider when everyone else has forged friendships.

I think I am a nice person, I like lots of different things but rarely do them because I hate being alone - would love a few people to call on for drinks, going for a walk, going to see a film.

How pathetic I sound!

So yes - suggestions for meeting people (ideally aside from groups / clubs) - or anyone want to go for a drink?! (Probably not after reading this...)

"I don't feel that they will like me or that I am interesting enough"

I think this really sums up your problem. In order to gain and retain friends you have to believe you're loveable. You also have to force the pace and impose yourself occasionally. Rather than waiting for invitations or whatever, you have to make the invitations... or invite yourself along... be a bit pushier and more confident.

Your long distance relationship sounds rubbish quite honestly. If what you really want is companionship and sociability, why settle for something so half-hearted?

Yes, there is online dating for friends - there's one called citysocialising.com. There are probably others. Meet up is also a good site to meet other people. People post events they have organised on.

It sounds like you have very low self esteem if you think your DPs friends and family won't like you. Maybe you might want to have a chat about that with someone. Try some counselling to boost your confidence.

Good luck! You sound lovely, I'm sure you'll meet some great new people and be brave - take your DP up on spending time with his friends. I'm sure they'll love you. He does!

If you are alone so much at night, what about going on a counselling course at a local college. I think that the initial introductory courses are cheap. The course will give you an insight into how others relate to one another. You will also receive counselling as part of the course. It is much cheaper than going to a counsellor. It will help to make you realise that you are as good as anyone else.
You do seem to have self esteem issues as your relationship sounds 'pants' to me. It feels as though it is a relationship that you are half hearted about.
Come on, you deserve better than this.
There is also the friendship group 'Spice' This a group that is mainly for singles but is billed as a friendship group. They meet up for meals,activities and holidays. There will be a local group in your area. Google Spice.com
To have friends you need to be friendly!
Best of luck .

I think there are many, many people who could have started a thread with this title.

I think there is a huge stigma against feeling this way. I never tell my friends I am lonely, even though I'd be there in a heartbeat if anyone told me they were feeling this way themselves. weird, innit?

I wonder if your partner is right for you? I say that kindly. Maybe you need someone who can bring more into your life. If you are in your mid twenties with no ties, I just think someone in his position who offers not very much and dents your self esteem even further, doesn't know how lucky he is.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I've had a look at citysocializer - messaged a few people but nothing back yet. I was on meetup before (I set up my own group) - again I found the group setting quite stressful and only made acquaintances who I didn't manage to stay in touch when I had a busy time with work.

I find it surprising that some of you picked up on my relationship - I am happy with it, just wish it wasn't long distance. What makes me happiest is coming home to a partner (really miss living with my ex) - not doing stuff all together all the time but just having companionship and someone pottering around in the same 4 walls. I'm a home bird, and am often exhausted by work come the evening, so would rather be at home a lot of the time, but being at home at the moment means being alone. Aside from that I am happiest when spending time with a friend one-on-one, but I struggle to get to that stage.

My partner doesn't exclude me from gatherings - he has 4 friends from uni, and their wives, who he might meet up with once or twice a year. He might see them individually at other times but again this is a handful of times a year. I could have gone along on the last gathering, but actually I was too scared to - although my partner and I get on (obviously), I don't know how his group of 40-something friends would perceive me, worry about how I would relate to them, and think I would get compared to his first wife (life and soul of the party, loved by everyone, very social). I would like to meet them individually / just a couple at a time, but it hasn't worked out yet.

I don't know. I think I'm being contradictory. I don't like big social gatherings, but to meet friends who I might later be able to socialize one-on-one with, I have to go through the big social gathering phase, from what I can see.

If you are scared to go to a party then you have a very big insecurity problem. A lot of people are insecure admittedly, but the point at which you should seek help is when it has reached the point where it is interfering with your ability to enjoy a normal life. I think you've reached that point. You seem isolated, socially anxious, and completely lacking in confidence. You are in a relationship that you are not happy with and which provides you with no companionship... and yet you appear to think it's all you should expect. You could very easily be depressed. It may be worth seeking counselling.

I applied for counselling yesterday and should hear back next week to book a triage appointment apparently.

I alternate between thinking - I am just an introverted person, this is who I am, and I should accept it. There are certainly things from my childhood that point to it just being how I am. But on the other hand I do feel lonely and don't want to spend life feeling this way.

It isn't acceptance to tolerate loneliness or being low down on other people's priorities, it's not believing you deserve better. It's not introversion that makes you avoid those social gatherings just because the people there will be a little older than you or because your boyfriend's ex was a nice person, it's insecurity. I don't know what happened in your childhood to make you feel insecure and unworthy of love but I'm glad you're seeking counselling.

I meant more that as a child I had similar traits (never really enjoyed parties, enjoyed having friends over one-on-one, wasn't on social media when everyone else was) but that at school and college friends tend to fall in your lap because you are with the same people day in day out. It was then a natural thing to spend free periods with them or have lunch together. Really regret not staying in contact with people I met then.

The main one-on-one relationship you're missing is with your boyfriend. Nothing wrong with disliking parties etc if you're in a long-term relationship where you're getting a lot of your need for companionship met by the other person. But you've got no friends, no social life and the person you're calling a partner is someone who only sees you on an infrequent basis. What support is he the rest of the time? Do you spend hours on the phone to each other or are you literally just sat on your own all night doing nothing? You say what makes you happy is coming home to someone. Your boyfriend may be a nice person but he's not fulfilling that need.

I suppose I'm waiting it out and hoping we get to that point. We text most nights on and off, and Skype / call once a week or so.

'Wait and hope' is a pretty passive strategy - sorry. Have you discussed all moving in together? Marriage? Relocating to be nearer each other? What's the respective level of commitment? What if this relationship never develops beyond texting?

Yes it's on the cards once his litigation payment comes through - at the mercy of solicitors, insurance companies etc. I can't move to him because of work for another 2 years. We have the same hopes for the future but our hands are tied at the moment.

You will have to get out of your comfort zone and make a great effort in group settings.
If you are new or don't know anyone, accept every invitation.
Stick to the popular people.
And start organising activities with the few people you'll meet.

In your hobby, be one of the last to leave.
FWIW most people around your age will feel the same.