Partner swore he didn't use porn, except I've just found him on webcam sites

[EveMarieSaint]

Here we go again with the webcam threads...

I was sexually abused as a child and some of the abuse involved porn. Just the word makes me feel ill. My partner and I had this conversation very early on and I explained that porn would be a dealbreaker for me.

He laughed and said that, although he used to use porn, he hadn't used it for a very long time and would never use it in a relationship anyway.

About nine months down the line, the subject came up again when he said something along the lines of, "I don't watch porn because of you". It confused me because he claimed he had given up porn long before we were together. He claimed to have no memory of saying that. Anyway, he looked me in the eye and swore to me that he had not done it throughout the course of the relationship, that he wouldn't do that to me and, in any case, had no interest in doing it.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I discovered a webcam site on a laptop that he has not even owned for a year.

I confronted him and he got angry, shaking. Accusing me of snooping. He claimed to have no memory of it, that it must have been from a long time ago. I asked him if he interacted with people, if he paid for it. He said no. I asked him to take me to the site and show me what it was all about. Not surprisingly, membership and a credit card were required. He said he hadn't done anything, was just curious, that he used to have an account years ago. That when he used to do it, it was largely about having somebody to talk to. Because he couldn't just pick up the phone, obviously.

I asked him if there was more. He said he didn't know, that he must have done it when he was very drunk and miserable, but had no memory of it. I asked him if he'd done it recently, when he was drunk and alone. He said he didn't know. That he was sorry.

Drip, drip, drip.

I really thought he was one of the good ones, who wouldn't lie to me. I trusted him.

I've recommended he see a doctor about his selective amnesia. And his drinking.

Webcams. Of all the things.

I'm shaking. I feel sick. And in shock. I don't know what to do.

I've been in shock, I've been angry and now I'm a crying mess. It will get better, won't it?

Yes, it will get better.

What's the state of play at the moment?

He is still out.

I am considering STI checks. I found condoms once and he SWORE he had no idea how they got there, they must have fallen out of an old bag etc. Now I know better than to believe him, don't I?

When are you expecting him back?

What would you like to happen next (apart from it all to be a nightmare you wake up from)?

I have no idea when he is coming back. He lives here, so he will come back eventually I suppose.

I would like to scream at him. I would like to tell him that I know he did this in the last three weeks - that his claim it was a long time ago is yet another lie.

After that, I'm not sure. I just want him to hold me and tell me it never happened. But I imagine that's hysterical bonding setting in.

You said that this (using porn, not the lying) was a "deal-breaker" for you. How do you feel now that it's happening?

I still can't believe it is happening. I don't like to think of him using webcams at any time, let alone while he's in a relationship with me.

I loved him so much. He knew I found it hard to be trusting but convinced me to trust him.

My mind keeps wandering to the thought of him watching women on these things, interacting with them, asking them to do things. The thought is just unbearable.

I never thought he would do this to me.

In my mind I keep trying to fix it. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I want to believe him and trust him again. I want to resume the loving relationship I thought we had. I want it all to be a nightmare. I keep hoping I'll wake up.

He's ruined it all. I could never trust him again, as much as I wish I could.

I would ask him to leave or move out. I would want time to think and send the message loud and clear that this isn't on.

So sorry to hear this :( Would he stay away and give you some space if you asked him? If not, is there somewhere you could go?

What is it you want to "believe" ?

That he isn't a liar ? You know he is

That he wouldn't break your deal breaker, knowing exactly the risks he was taking ? You know he has

That he won't minimise and promise you the world even though you know he is talking shit ? He has already

That you won't rationalise and forgive the inforgiveable ? The process has started already

Oh dear

I'm not trying to do anything except breathe in and breathe out at the moment. I'm certainly not forgiving anybody.

Oi.

It's all still raw. Give yourself a break and deal with it again in the morning. Until then, just do whatever it is you need to do to get through today and tonight.

You will need to forgive yourself, you'll be feeling guilty and blaming yourself for part or all of this - even if it is a load of rubbish, but you won't be able to help it.

Oh dear.

1 - he hasn't used porn in a long time and wouldn't in a relationship.
2-he hasn't used porn since he has been with you and doesn't remember saying 1.
3-he may have done it when drunk and down but can't remember. Clearly not doing it due to being in a relationship (1 & 2) is a lie.
4-year old laptop has magically as it does for all this kind of man downloaded all this stuff without his knowledge. Someone on another thread remarked this very very rarely happens to women. Just the poor innocent men...
5-condoms. May be nothing. May be terrible. Based on 1 - 4 I know what my guess would be. Sorry I suggest you find an STI clinic asap.

This is a deal breaker for you. He knew that. He still chose to do it despite knowing it may end your relationship. Getting his end away to porn was more important to him than you. So much so he lied deliberately to your face whilst looking in your eyes.

Of course you wish you could wake up and this all be one bloody awful nightmare - that's natural.

Sadly, it's not the case.

You need space from him.

If he's not home yet I would text him and tell him he is not to come back tonight & he's to find somewhere else to sleep. Then lock the door and do whatever you have to do, to make sure he can't get in.

Have you told anyone in 'real life' yet? Do you have anyone you can tell?

18 months feels like a long time when you are in the middle of this - but actually, it's a very very short part of our lives. Do not saddle yourself with this guy - he will bring you a lot of heartache. He has shown you mostly his 'good side' - bad guys do or no-one would stay with them! As time goes on he will show you more of his bad side and less of his good side. Eventually you wont even recognise the bloke you fell in love with.

He has already done something that he knows will hurt you, will traumatise you. How much more do you want to stick around for. How do you think living like this (and you will) will affect your bipolar.

It's 18 months, stick it in the 'lucky escape' bag and boot his arse to the curb.

Now, practically, what's the arrangement with the house - own it? rent it? whose name? etc

Oh and (yes, even after all of that, there's more!!)

He will say how sorry he is - words are cheap.

He will 'promise' not to do it again - he's already shown you how little his promises mean.

He will 'blame you' - in some way this will be your doing or you will be being 'ridiculous'.

He will probably say that 'porn is harmless', 'it meant nothing' and 'he only....' - bullshit.

He will ask for a second chance - he had a second chance. He found the site then he had to enter all his details - that was his second chance.

Be strong my love. Get rid.