"I didn't leave the children I left you"

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Has anyone else had this pearl of wisdom thrown at them after the discovery of an affair? 12 months down the line my stbx husband ( still won't sign the divorce papers) has seen his four children for a grand total of 8 hours during the school holidays. He's too busy, too short of money. Various pitiful excuses. Now that I've stepped out of the drama so the pair of them can enjoy their magnificent romance he's found something else to moan about. Work are picking on him. He's such a victim. During self pitying texts not one thought for how his actions have impacted on his children. I've gone from hating the other woman to feeling sorry for what she's landed herself with. I know there are 'exit' affairs but are a lot of them about running away from life and then finding their crappy life skills catch up with them whoever they're with. I've got no feelings for him any more but still angry at how hard he's made life for me juggling 4 kids and work single handed.

Life is going to be tough however much he sees the kids. Unfortunetly your going to have to except he won't see them much and get on with it.
You seem to be having dialoge with him still even if it's on text. Try not to. Just cut it short and polite. Are you seeing kids today. Please answer yes or no only and the time if it's yes.
He is wrapped up in himself and that's what's caused him to do everything he has. Don't give him your time by thinking and winding yourself up about him.

Well, he HAS left the children if all he can manage is 8 hours in the holidays. What an arse.

Why are some men such idiots?

Sounds like you need to change mobile number so that you can't be plagued with the self-pitying rubbish. Then get onto your lawyer and turn the screw a few notches on the divorce process.

He does need to communicate with you about work, he should be contacting you about seeing your children only. Email your solicitor, and as pp said get this sorted out. Sadly many of us have to do work and childcare, and it is that point in the holidays where it is really dragging. Start counting down the days until the start of term. Yesterday I was really overwhelmed by juggling both these things soi know where you are coming from good luck

Sorry that should be doesn't need to communicate about work!

Your title made me laugh op. They really are stupid at times!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Your allowed to laugh at his ridiculousness!

This man is a low-life cock who ditched his kids. Tell him to text you about the children only and that you couldn't care less about the rest of his life.

Unfeeling egocentric dick. How does he just switch off from his family like that?

He won't appear such a catch when she's fed up with his moaning.

First of all congratulations. You deserve a medal for coping and being such a grown up in the face of all his C. You have come a long way. How dare he be self pitying. It makes my blood boil.
He will get his comeuppance. Your DC will grow up and even though they may not recall the exact details they will be merciless in their criticism and judgement of him. Wait until the positions are reversed. He will get old and vulnerable and they will treat him as he is treating them, with utter contempt.

Words are cheap and that's all you are getting from this coward. Don't give him the pleasure of reading his rubbish. It will make him feel less guilty if you are pleasant instead of matter of fact.
Concentrate on yourself, you will come through this and he may even try and come grovelling back, it happens. I hope you kick his A*

At the point of leaving you, what he said is true.

At the point of asking for 50/50 shared care with the kids, what he said would be true.

At the point of doing shared care and sharing the cost of having children, what he said would be true.

However, given how little he has seen them, how little he asks after them, & how little he does for them - his comment in staggeringly stupid. Of course he has abandoned the children, only a true fuckwit could think otherwise.

I would tell him not to contact me about anything other the children. You don't need his drivel in your headspace.

Make sure you are getting as much money from him as you should be (as pitiful as it is).

... and yes, feel very sorry for his latest victim.

OR simply say

'Oh that's fabulous. I'm so pleased you aren't actually leaving the children. I think 50/50 shared care would be perfect. You have them next week and I'll have the week after'

My XH said the same thing about DD who was 4yo when he left. He left me, not her. I said he had left her, it's a simple fact! He does see her EOW but has always put OW first, drops DD to go to concerts, or OW's birthday, or holiday with her, but won't have DD at all in the school holidays apart from a few days after Christmas.

I get all the self pity too, about how hard he works and hasn't got any money and can't take any time off (except when it suits him). I tell him that I am working full time and bringing up his child on my own. Then I just get abuse from him because I am being unreasonable apparently....

Now XH is moving away and wants to see DD less but I have asked him to continue with EOW and that apparently makes me unhelpful and inflexible .

So basically, he would like to move away and see her when he decides that he has time, which would be rarely.

It is very difficult to detach, but you can't make him have a relationship with his DC. It is something that I really struggle with as I want DD to have a relationship with him, but I can't make him do it :(

You are right in that they are running away from things, but sadly they take the person that they are with them, there is no getting away from that.

I have indeed! My ex left me and our DDs to go and live in Iran. At first he said about how he misses our DDs and he would do Anything to be with them (bullshit, if that were the case he wouldn't have left our nice, comfortable life in London to be childless in Iran) but now it has changed to he wants our DDs AND me! Men are twats and it's impossible to realise just how twatish until there is a separation and children involved. You have my sympathy! How are the children coping?

Yup OP this is what stbxh said when he left. I'm leaving you not the dcs. He does have them every other weekend but apparently will always be there for them. He wasn't there to comfort them when ds3 was crying at night and slept in my bed because "i don't want to wake up and find you've left like daddy" or when ds2 was in hospital. I've learnt not to talk, we only text now if it is about the dcs and I keep them as brief as possible. Whatever they said they've left the children too, he's just trying to justify his actions.

Littlemissgiggles- I'm sorry your ds3 cries in the night for his dad, my DD1 did the same. It's so hard to remain calm and not put too much blame on the other parent even when your mind is screaming 'wanker bastard fucking twat'. It's amazing how similar these men are.

My ex wouldnt have dared say that to me, because he did leave me and my DD by buggering off 300 miles and not calling for a week to ask how she is, he sees her every 6 weeks, he hasnt seen her at all in the holidays, so actually the last time he saw her was the last half term which was in May, he probably wont see her again til October.

My ExDH hasn't seen our daughters since he left for Iran 13months. But apparently he left me not them, although he loves them AND me so much he wants us to join him in Iran for a 'new start'.

I just feel so sad for the children. I've taken a lot of time off work over the summer and go back in September. I have a week to organise childcare but he won't commit to anything. He says he wants them and then makes excuses. I could get a nanny using child tax credits to pay a large chunk. I've been reluctant to do this as I don't want him to feel forced out of their lives. They've met the ow, now his partner but only once and now they show no interest in seeing them again. Is it unfair to just accept he doesn't really want the responsibility and make my own arrangements. He says they're his life and come first in everything but his actions say otherwise.

Words are cheap. He says the right stuff but does he show by his actions he's really committed to being a dad to them?

onmyown when XH left he said that he would see DD as often as he could, every day if I would let him... but he couldn't even commit to collecting her on a Friday evening because of his work and let her down so many times that I had to say just get her on Saturday morning.

They do say one thing and do another. XH makes out that he is father of the year, yet thinks nothing of dropping DD for something else.

littlemissgiggles my DD is now 6yo but was only just 4 when he left and she slept in my bed for months after XH left because she was afraid I would disappear too :( XH told her on Sunday that he is moving away and she has slept in my bed every night since. She is so insecure now because of him.

There should be a law that makes these useless Twunts have to see their children every week.

oh yeah I had this after he went out and didnt come back, it turned out he had met someone online and pissed off about 200 miles to be with her (completely emptying the joint account in the process)

Pft....does someone pass out a manual with stock phrases for men to use "in the event of emergency.." Etc??

skyeskyeskye - I have followed your story since the elephant was in the room. These shit eating gobshites make my blood boil. The only way to deal with it is to sweep them out of your thoughts.

I think you have to assume he is just using words. Make your own childcare arrangements. He will then have to fit in with you. You are a lovely caring person but you are dealing with someone who clearly isn't.
You are still thinking about what he wants. He just does not deserve such consideration. If you are hoping that he will change then I am afraid that you must be prepared to be disappointed.
To give your DC the best chance of surviving what has happened they need stability. You and they should not make any plans that revolve around what your X wants. He will let them down. You will not.
You say you are indifferent to him now but this is not what your post expresses.
Everyone on MN is supporting you.
Xx

It's really strange how men can change so quickly. I mean, my ExDH was with me for 13 years, has slept with me countless times (obviously), watched me give birth twice, watched me breastfeed our DDs and lived with me. Yet he can just walk out on me like it's no big deal

Onmyown, I have been through exactly the same as you are going through although it was approximately 15 years ago. Like you I tried to make things better against all the odds. My EXH was full of self pity, didn't see the children who were toddlers then and did not pay me any money for them. I kept trying to be nice for years. It sent shivers down my spine when I read your dilemma with childcare when you said 'I don't want him to feel forced out of their lives.' You sound like I did 15 years ago.

Forgive me for being extremely impolite - but tell him to go and fuck himself! You are not one bit responsible for this mess. Stop consulting with him and make decisions yourself. Get whatever you need done so that you can go back to work and sort out the children.

I didn't do what I am recommending you do and I ended up trying to placate my EX for about 13 years during which all I got was abuse and criticism whilst he painted himself as the victim. Your good nature is being abused!

My DC are now nearly 18 and 16 and can see straight through their father. They have basically dumped him and make excuses to avoid him.

Please stop consulting him about how you run your home. Just update him on any arrangements he needs to be aware of. I know it seems harsh but it is the only way you will get any respect. I really don't want you to go through 13 years of this crap. Hold your head up high and make the decisions.

You are an amazing mother. I know it doesn't seem like that to you now but everyone that knows you and strangers like us are extremely impressed that you did not dump your children and your responsibilities. You are a strong woman and you can do it. It definitely won't be easy but you can do it!! I respect you enormously.