If you are in a new relationship after an abusive/ DV one….

[alltoomuchrightnow]

If you are now in a healthy non abusive relationship, (whether you had time alone in between relationships, or went straight to another)

Do you talk about the past to your DP? How does he handle it?
How do you deal with triggers etc. Or do you try and forget the past? (however hard that is. i.e. put on an act)

Feel very fragile at the moment. After several months single, I began a relationship with DP (who is an old friend, but we'd been out of touch for years) and it's been 8 months now. It's mainly been wonderful. I am still traumatised by the past still and attend counselling. Was going to Al Anon family group a few times a week (as ex is an alcoholic) which really helped but stopped going months ago (possibly a mistake to stop going)
Have always tried to be positive around DP but I get triggers, also nights are very tough. I get panicky/ bad insomnia and horrific nightmares…even night terrors, much worse than what I had as a child. I was having hypnotherapy for it but it never improved for more than short periods. I have always tried to play things down and only told him bare minimum, but I sleep talk, and he often shakes me awake from the night mares
In day time I'm usually fine . I've never talked in detail about it (till last night) as i want to put the past behind, and my past isn't his fault (but then again, shouldn't I be sharing with my partner? being honest?). I try so hard to not bring it into the present . I thought i was doing so well but I think i've taken a massive step back. I feel such a failure and for bringing DP into it, what was caused by my evil ex

At the weekend I returned to my old home for the last time to get the rest of my stuff. Some stuff had emerged that had been forgotten and it wasnt stuff i could write off (irreplaceable old photos etc) . Ex was there and he made things difficult. Not his usual nasty self, but just drunk and difficult…hindering me I guess.. it was all very stressful as it always is going back there (bad memories) and it takes up a whole day to go there and back. Always knocks the stuffing out of me. This is the last time and I should be relieved and able to draw a line under it but Ive just been feeling irritable and stressed by it all. I guess i still can't believe that it's really final, it will take a while to sink in.
Last night DP and I had our first really major row. We've had a few minor ones but nothing like this. Basically things came to a head and I snapped under the stress I've been feeling re the weekend, and he did the same,he's had a stressful few weeks.
It was awful and he said some quite harsh things. I thought it was over between us, but thats because since what happened to me i obviously overreact. Today we talked and sorted things out but i feel so broken and shaky. .
All this while i've tried to play down the past as i was scared of losing DP. No one wants to risk putting someone new off, in a new relationship. He admitted it DOES make things difficult (never said that before) but that 'I'm still here, aren't I'. I feel very insecure and I know that is because of my past. That isn't DP's fault.. most of the time he is very loving and supportive, my rock. Well, all of the time except for rowing! I feel terrible as i finally took out some of my stress re past , on DP, or at least didnt keep it to myself.
I also don't believe in the phrase 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'. I have been left very grateful and thankful re a new start, new life, and feeling happy again as never thought I would. however I am far more sensitive/ paranoid than used to be, and take everything to heart. After months of bottling it all up from DP re past, the flood gates opened plus i told him more than ever have before. I was literally hysterical. I didnt sleep the whole night and made myself really ill .
I thought I had been doing so well. He's back to being his usual self now and obviously wants to put it behind us… but i'm completely shaken up and more insecure than ever. I think i've undone all the moving forward steps.
I am so scared he will have enough… that when i have a bad day , even if i try and disguise it he will pick up on it. etc. and the nightmares. I thought he was big and strong enough to take on my past but having him admit how difficult it is scares me.
Friends say i should just keep it all to my counselling, and to close friends and to Al anon. Keep it away from DP as he is nothing like my ex.
DP on hearing the nastier details of my ex last night, admitted he was angry by it. But he was also irritated by my tears, and that really hurts.
He says he is always Mr Fix It for everyone and feels that is his role in life..and frustrated he can't help me with this. Yet he has, just for being there this year and well, just for being him. My old friend who is now my partner. I said I don't need fixing, I just need a few tweaks and i m working on it myself. Im not looking to be rescued.. i got out of the mess I was in alone. I had no contact with DP then.
DP has accused me of bottling it all up, but i did that to protect us and to stay positive and live day to day, not dwelling on my past.
Yet when i stopped bottling it up last night i.e. the row, he became angered by my tears, saying he couldnt talk to me when in that state. He turned his back and went to sleep. That seems so callous to me. Today when i was calmer, he held me and we talked. But i can't forget how my tears angered him. He said he could not talk to me sensibly when i was snivelling. What does he expect? i was finally telling him the truth. Of course i was crying. He says I'm not rational when i cry, and he's right. but it was my natural reaction after playing it down with him for so long. I am also still battling depression.
Is it that whole mars and venus thing? that men can't cope with tears?
how can a loving partner be irritated, even angered, by tears? it's not just DP, I've known it with all my exs too. But given my past i am prone to triggers and waking up crying etc.. its unavoidable

Has anyone else been through similar and how did you deal with it in a new relationship
Please go easy on me! Im so scared i will lose DP, i can't' win, i bottle it up and I'm accused of putting walls up, or i finally break down and he's angered by my tears

sorry so long. been an emotional few days and no sleep so i'm probably not good at summarising things right now, hence the rambling!

Your past is part of who you are. Most people are not their real selves for the first few months of a new relationship. It takes about 6 - 9 months to see people's real personalities. Clinical depression, distress, trauma and so forth can be very unsettling for an outside observer. If they haven't experienced something similar they won't necessarily understand how to respond. Partners are not doctors or counsellors so it doesn't necessarily mean he is callous or unpleasant if he gets it wrong.

However, if you want to talk about your experiences and your partner wants you to bottle them up then that is not good for you. If you're not long out of an abusive relationship where presumably you couldn't say or do things without causing problems then being able to express yourself honestly is important. Suppressing your feelings because you fear the relationship ending would be falling back into old habits.

It could be that you need to overcome your bad experiences independently and then think about entering a new relationship

During the row, he criticised me for bottling up. He said I put a wall round me re past and my ex. I explained this was for protection… what new partner wants to hear about the ex. etc. And that every day I try hard to stay positive (and it usually works).
Then it all came out.. the more unpleasant details I'd kept from him re my ex. (because seeing my ex at the weekend obviously brought stuff up). I couldn't stop crying and that seemed to irritate him as he said he couldn't talk to me or get through to me when I was like that. So I felt I couldn't win, as I was no longer putting up the 'wall', yet was being criticised for opening up. He said he couldn't talk to a 'snivelling jelly' (he didn't say this in a nasty way, although it sounds it!) and that everything he said i seemed to take the wrong way (possibly true) I felt he was callous going to sleep but he said he would only talk to me when I was calmer

Yesterday I was, so we talked. He said hearing about ex made him angry and it was not a nice thing to hear. That he didn't view me as a 'victim' (as that is not how i view myself) but that i was acting like one the night before. (that is what had made me so angry…calling me a victim) But surely it was understandable that i was crying so much?
I have decided to only talk about ex to close friends or counseller. and maybe go back to Al Anon where everyone has been through it, and it's private. Trying to build a new life with DP, it doesnt help if i get angry and upset about the past.
Hopefully now it's down and dusted and I'll never need to see ex again, so I can avoid certain triggers, but can't help the nightmares. At least DP is aware of them and why.. he just wakes me up from them… I don't really talk about them

the thing that gets me i guess is, if he was the one crying and in pain, it would kill me, i'd just want to comfort him. But all the men i've known seem to not be able to handle tears. it seems to be very much a woman thing to physically comfort. Men seem to be v uncomfortable around tears and i mistook that for being callous. He wants to find a practical solution when i cry, and there isnt one. and i don't need that and need to just be held and loved. He feels helpless and frustrated and can't get it that I just want to be be held.. I'm not asking him to fix me

I'd talk to your counsellor about your new DP too. You felt you couldn't win in the conversation with him and that might be a learned behaviour for you but tbh it sounds a justified reaction on your part to him being unsupportive.
What I realised from my counsellor after an EA relationship was that bottling matters up can be a sign of having poor boundaries (and can prompt you to get into and stay in EA relationships).

You're not a victim and you're not acting like one by getting upset. You're someone who managed to leave a DV/EA relationship. That takes enormous strength.

I don't know, is the true answer. But I'm not impressed with him getting angry with the fact you were upset.

If it's any help, I have told dh everything. He is obviously angry on my behalf, but is more concerned about me. He has been an absolute rock. He often anticipates triggers and offers silent reassurance before it's asked for, which makes me feel very cared for.

The insecurity is difficult. It can mean you keep your distance, which can be misinterpreted.

If you want to talk to your dp and tell him what happened, then would you be able to tell him quite factually all in one go? Only if you feel he needs to know of course. And that's completely down to what you want. But by laying your cards on the table, as unemotionally as you can, you can let him know where you're coming from.

You can make it clear you don't want him to "fix you" (you don't need fixing, you need time to heal), you just want him to understand why you respond to certain things in certain ways.

It's up to you. It can be very confusing facing an emotional reaction when you don't know its cause. But then telling him everything, and not getting a positive response could make you feel even more vulnerable. There's no right answer because I don't know him and how he'll react.

Xpost, what he said about you being a victim was awful. There is no one reaction to suffering. You were not being a victim, you were communicating what you had survived.

That's a horrible attitude he has there.

I said earlier that he wasn't necessarily being callous. He still isn't. However, he is clearly not someone who is comfortable with someone else's distress, doesn't handle it well and is therefore currently not someone who can provide you with the kind of emotional support you need.

A big adjustment post an abusive relationship is being assertive. Abusive relationships tend to centre around what the abuser wants. Abusers are selfish and will crush every bit of assertiveness or independence out of their victim. So this is the time to assert yourself. Your needs are important and you are #1 in your own life.

Yes, some of what he is saying looks bad. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt I'd strongly recommend that you go back to him with the problem and tell him exactly what response you need. Be very specific rather than expecting him to intuitively know what you want. T If you want to be held and feel reassured, tell him that. If you do not want to be regarded as a victim, tell him that as well. You are going to get angry and upset about the past. If he's willing to learn, he could be worth another chance. If he can't deal with it, don't waste more time.

If I'm talking about stuff, he holds me and listens. If I can't talk, he just holds me. As I'm coming out of it, we decide what I need to do next, go for a hot bath, go for a walk etc and he helps me with that.

I couldn't stop crying and that seemed to irritate him as he said he couldn't talk to me. ......He said he couldn't talk to a 'snivelling jelly'.....

I don't like the sound of a person who gets irritated when his partner is distressed. Or one who claims he can't talk to you, and calls you such an insulting name when you're so vulnerable. It's not as if you're upset about something trivial.

And why should you be rational when you cry? To suggest you should, is not rational in itself.

As for 'viewing you as a victim' or 'acting like a victim'....Victimisation is a fact of life. To be a victim is a fact: it's not an act, or a persona, or a choice. It's what happens when someone perpetrates an act of aggression against you.

It's very rare to try to portray yourself as a victim, or to simulate distress, in order to get attention - or whatever goal 'acting like a victim' is meant to attain. When I hear people use the phrase, I have to assume that's what they do themselves - simulate distress to attract pity.

Your DP also seems to see victimisation as something he looks down upon?Which is odd, because as stated before - it's a fact, not a choice.

Being irritated by tears is definitely NOT a man thing, btw. Unless you constantly weep at little things (and you're otherwise mentally healthy) - them it's normal to feel concern and compassion when others cry, man or woman.

I'd be concerned at his reaction, tbh.
I didn't even consider dating one year after I separated. You may need a bit more time for yourself before you do enter a relationship.

But, you are a victim. You were abused. It's not a dirty word. And it's not a criticism of you.
If you had been mugged you'd be a victim of mugging

I suspect you also need to redefine your boundaries. And in this case consider if this man will at the very least not add to your problems.
And given his reaction now, I'd worry that he does.

How has he been during other fights?

I don't like the "irritated by my tears" comment, that is not a kind, understanding person

I think we should hold both men and women to the same standards of kindness. That he used the word 'snivelling' when you were distressed about your very real pain, does not make him sound very kind at all.
You said he said some harsh things - did he say things other than the snivelling?

Sounds like you are not ready to date. Maybe you need time to yourself.
If you find yourself hysterically crying about the past, then you are not ready yet. There is nothing wrong with not being ready to have another full blown relationship.

Also I don't think as your partner it's his place to try to help heal wounds from the past.
You need to go through the healing process on your own, with friends and family being there to help.

I would be concerned about his reaction to you crying too. My ex used to ignore me crying and mock me so I would see that as a red flag if a new partner was so irritated by me crying.

I also think you started dating way to soon, you said it was only months since you split from your abusive ex. You do seem to still have the "Its all my fault." attitude which makes you a prime target for further abuse. Personally I would make sure I was a strong enough person before entering a new relationship because I wouldn't want a repeat performance of my last relationship.

I agree with Rebecca 2014. I think you started dating too soon. I was in a similar situation to you as in alcoholic abusive EX. I've been divorced for 5 years now but I haven't been able to start a relationship. Been on a few dates, went out with last BF for 5 weeks but when he wanted sex I ended it. Don't know the real answer but I think you have to be stronger. I'm not and don't think I ever will be but I'm ok with that because no man no hurt

What Fabuloyse said.....particular ly with regards to sniveling jelly...uggggrr.How horrid of him.

Maybe you need a partner that is good with emotions. Lots of men are. My dh always seems to know the right thing to say! Do you always seem to pick a certain type of man?

Snivelling jelly, how condescending. Irritated by your tears. His use of victim. I would be irritated by him!

Maybe this man isn't the one for you.

Trackrbirds post sums it up!