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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm living a lie and it's doing my head in

22 replies

LivingALie · 05/04/2004 10:42

I think most of you will know who i am, have only changed my mind incase dp reads it.

Basically i just feel like i am living a complete lie. I do not love my dp any more and hate it when he comes anywhere near me. I have to find an excuse to move or see to one of the kids. He does know how i feel but just will not accept it at all. I have tried being nasty, being nice, everything but he still doesn't get it.
He is not a bad man, and i know us splitting would hurt him alot, but i can't spend the rest of my life with him.
The kids would always be devastated too and i'm not sure how i would deal with that either.
I feel so bad because i know that sometimes i make him think that we have a chance (arranging holidays and days out), but he is still going to be him at the end of the day.
I have been honest with him and told him i don't love him, and i think he knows that if i met someone else i'd find it hard to stay away.
Oh i don't know, i'm just a coward. My kids drive me emad at the best of times so i'm not sure i'd cope without him either.

OP posts:

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:44

Unfortunately, you only get one chance at life, so if you're not happy and know that you never will be, you need to change things.

Have you thought about counselling or do you think its too far gone?

(((((Hugs)))))

Original poster

LivingALie · 05/04/2004 10:47

He did suggest counselling, but i have to admitt that my gut reaction was to say ' well whats the point'. I do know that i don't want to be with him, i'm just not sure i can cope without him.

People on the outside think we are fine too which makes it hard. My mom and a friend know how bad it is, but everyone else thinks we have done really well to stay together for so long.

OP posts:

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:49

If you think things are so bad that you won't consider counselling, then staying together is just going to make things worse, not better. Why not try a trial separation and see how that goes?

Would your dp support you in that?

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:49

Or also, what about going to counselling by yourself. Then you'd have someone to talk things over with, which can help you get things clear in your own head.

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:50

I should warn you, I'm as thick as they come and I honestly don't have a clue who you are!!! Sorry, I just have a hard enough time following threads, let alone remembering enough details to 'recognise' people!!!

Original poster

LivingALie · 05/04/2004 10:51

No i don't think he would. He always says that he has nowhere to go, which isn't strictly true as any of his family would take him in.
If he refuses to leave, what can i do ?? I really want this to be amicable for the kids sake. My own parents divorced and it couldn't of been less amicable so i'm keen to avoid that.

OP posts:

dinosaur · 05/04/2004 10:52

Oh LivingALie, how sad for you all

Have you felt like this for a long time, or do you think it is possible that this is just a bad phase and that things might get better? Please do not be angry with me if this sounds very patronising - it is just that I know that (having been with DH for 18 years now) I have gone through phases when I have thought I felt nothing for him, and it has turned out to be just that - a phase.

WK's suggestion of a trial separation sounds sensible, but who would have the kids - would they stay with him?

dinosaur · 05/04/2004 10:52

LivingALie - in answer to your question, what if he refuses to leave, could you leave?

Original poster

LivingALie · 05/04/2004 10:52

No problem WK. You have advised me before though about this. A clue could be ... a fruit and NUT chocolate bar.

OP posts:

Original poster

LivingALie · 05/04/2004 10:53

I would have the kids, and i really can't leave. The flat is in my name only.

OP posts:

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:55

AAAAh, even I'm not too thick for clues. Ok, thanks.

wobblyknixx · 05/04/2004 10:56

You really need to do what you want though, the kids will be fine because you'll make sure they are. But you need looking after too.

emmatmg · 05/04/2004 10:58

Wobblyknixx took the words out of my mouth ( well finger tips really but...)

If you are sure that your relationship will not get any better than eventually the children will see this too and also become unhappy. If you do separate your DP will still be there to see the children, it's highly unlikey you'll never see eachother again.

I'm sure the wise Mumsnetters will help you lots.

Good luck

eddm · 05/04/2004 11:11

Are you under lots of other pressure at the moment? Just asking because dealing with s**t at home, at work, with family, whatever, can leave you so angry those feelings colour everything. Wobblynixx's suggestion of trial separation could establish whether it is actually dp that you hate or whether he's the (subconscious) focus for all sorts of things that are going on and that you can't dump on anyone else. But ignore me if you've gone past that point, of course.
If it really has reached the stage where you can't stand him then you have to end it, however upset he will be. Can you get to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau? They offer free legal advice and could give you an idea of your rights, for instance, making him leave the home if, as you suggest, he won't go.
You are right to be concerned about trying to keep it amicable but sometimes that just isn't possible. As the child of divorced parents, I think the most important things are to make sure your kids know that both parents love them very much, that the separation isn't their fault (kids really have a hard time with this one, 'something bad is happening so I must have been naughty' and that you and dp are both still their parents. And try not to blame each other or say bad things about each other in front of the kids, however irritated/frustrated you are. That's really hard for them to deal with because they love both their parents and get really confused if either of you appear to ask them to take sides, even if that's not the intention.

eddm · 05/04/2004 11:12

Don't know how that smiley got in there, clearly not intentional.

MeanBean · 05/04/2004 11:30

Hi Livingalie
With regard to the counselling, I'd suggest you go. Relate are very straight up about warning you in advance, that sometimes counselling can actually lead to separation; if you go to counselling it doesn't mean that you will stay together (although you might be surprised), but it might enable you to negotiate a less painful parting. It sounds like you have already recognised that you need to part, but your dp hasn't; and perhaps counselling would make him realise it, and therefore be less bitter about it when it does happen? Which would be better all round, for you, him and your children.
I've been in this movie, and I know how awful it is - but I also know how liberating and positive it is to end it - like a breath of fresh air coming into your life, however tough you know it's going to be. After years of prevarication and fear, you can't imagine how good you'll feel to be able to move on! If you want to talk direct, feel free.

discordia · 05/04/2004 13:38

I just wanted to say hello, LivingALie, because you are obviously me. I must have posted under your name when I wasn't looking!

I'm in the same situation as you and yes, it does do your head in. I simply can't get thru to my H. He knows that I don't love him and that our marriage is dead but if we're going to separate then it'll have to be me that does all the work to sort it out! Like you, I've tried being nice about it and tried brutal honesty but get nowhere. He's not a bad man and I hate to wreck his life and maybe that of my kids. However, in my heart I walked out a long time ago.

I wish I had some advice for you but haven't. However, if you want a moan and some sympathy, get in touch! xxx

PS - I think your nickname hits the nail on the head, living a lie is heartbreaking and soul destroying.

hypocrite · 05/04/2004 17:16

Just want to say I'm with you on this one LAL, because I'm going through exactly the same thing and I've changed my name to something more appropriate to how I feel about myself!

Dh and I did have a trial separation but he begged me to take him back (literally begged - it was so hard, total emotional blackmail really but...) and I did, hoping we could sort things out for the sake of ds, who thankfully is currently too young to know what's going on yet. So we got back together but we are kidding ourselves, to be honest.

I'm a coward too - I know I would be happier out of this but dh is basically a good guy, despite our many differences, and I can't bring myself to split him and ds up. Unfortunately, if we did split for good, our situation means that he probably would be out of ds's life pretty much permanently, which is really why I took him back, because I couldn't stand that thought. I feel totally trapped and can't see a way out of this. I would love to make it work, in a way, but I just can't.

I don't have any good advice for you, but I do know that things will probably not improve if you stay. Then again...people do work things out, and feelings that you thought were permanent can change. Maybe counselling would at least crystallise things for him? I wish you loads and loads of luck.

Original poster

LivingALie · 06/04/2004 14:20

discordia - Didn't you post somewhere about your probs ?? I'm sure i remember reading it and thinking 'that could be me' too.
What you said about 'in your heart you walked out along time ago' is sooo true for me too.
Oh and your right it is soul destroying too.

Hypocrite - Don't be so hard on yourself, splitting up with your dp/dh is not an easy thing to do, and i can fully understand why you took him back.
I also understand what you mean about him not seeing his son if he left. My dp has 2 kids from his first marraige and i have sat here and listenend to him make excuses to them when he can't be arsed to go and collect them. He never rings them, they always ring him, and he shows no interest in the at all really.
I know he would be the same if not worse with our kids. He can be a very selfish man and that worries me as far as the kids are concerned.
My mom said though, that at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to make him see his kids, they are his too and if he can't be bothered then the kids will soon realise that.

I hope you are both o.k, and thanks for posting.

OP posts:

discordia · 07/04/2004 10:48

Are you still there, LAL and hypocrite? (BTW, don't be so hard on yourself, hypocrite, give yourself a less critical name!).

I think what made me make up my mind that we had to part was imagining myself in 10 years' time, still miserable and H no happier. It's our 11th wedding anniversary this month and I hope it will be our last.

I can't really do anything until I find myself a job but I've survived 11 years, I'm sure I can survive a bit longer. In the meantime, I think I'll go to a CAB to see if they can offer any useful advice.

Thinking of you both.

bundle · 07/04/2004 10:57

we did relate a few years back & did get back together, although the counsellor talked a lot about how to end relationships - which most of us don't know how to do, because we're not exactly 'taught' it, especially how to come out of it with our heads held high and some dignity left. it was a very painful process but might help you to see things more clearly, x

hypocrite · 07/04/2004 18:21

Hi, yes I'm still here! I know my name's a bit harsh but it is pretty appropriate. I don't want to go into too much detail (or hijack the thread lol) but I am piling so much blame onto dh when I know really that many of the problems in our relationship are down to me and my attitude. Anyway...that's another story.

I also think of us in 10 years time. Or rather, I don't think of 'us' - I'm assuming it won't last that long. We have both said as much on more than one occasion and sometimes I really do wonder why we are still hanging on - but then I think of ds. I am just so stuck. I wish I could change myself and wake up tomorrow madly in love (or at least mostly in love) with dh, but I know it's not going to happen. It's very sad, really. I don't know what to do. It seems like a bit of a waste of a life, for both of us. We have thought about counselling but neither of us is keen. Maybe it would be a turning point one way or the other, though. Who knows?

Sorry, I'm rambling! Thinking of you all.

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