if you want space from family members...how?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Do you spell out to them what they have done wrong or tell them to back off if really in your face?
I dont want to go nc as I love my dad and so does dd but the dynamics of extended family are complex and doing my head in.
My dad probably wont listen to me and will stick up for his dp.
Is it best to make excuses to avoid gatherings or best to be straight up?

Depends how much of a fight you want. I think just ignoring and seeing them as little as poss and being "busy" a lot is probably easier.

Easier but at the same time im fed up of the digs and comments and want to setthings steaight.
I was the family scape goat whem dm was alive. Dad seems to be stuck in this pattern.

Yes very much agree with goodtobetter. An honest confrontation very often does not end well especially if other people do not want to listen to your point of view.
If I were you I would stay in touch but keep them at arms length.
If you see them infrequently/have rare contact then you should be able to cope a lot more easily. Good luck.

You need to be clear what you are trying to achieve.
If what you want is a break from the difficult relationship then just go quiet and don't communicate. Just be busy and unable to make gatherings or answer the phone without any confrontation which will draw attention to you.
But if you actually want to set things straight you will have to speak out and will attract more attention from the people you want to avoid.

I don't think you can do both at once, at least not without a big drama and a major withdrawal from the family that will stir up lots of conflict.

In my case, no I didn't try to spell things out to them, as I had already previously tried this and it didn't go down well. I realised after my 'mother' shouted at me until I cried (a woman in her 40's FFS), that my 'parents' were not good for my mental and emotional health. I had already read a fair bit about going NC on MN and on other websites and wanted to see whether it would work for me.

After the above mentioned incidence, I too decided I wanted some 'space' from these damaging people, so I resolved not to be in contact with them for 3-6 months. It was hard in the beginning, the phone calls, dropping around uninvited with me hiding in my own home! Then letters with the guilt tripping came along, and I had to stop myself from reading these as well. Not to mention the phone call with the message "your father is in hospital" - another manipulation . After 6 months, I started feeling better about myself and my life (even though things were pretty dire then), and I then thought I would allow NC to be reviewed every 3 months. Its been over 2 years since I started NC and life is peaceful and serene, without their drama and garbage. The entrapment also stop at about the 18 months stage.

Good luck OP, I know its not an easy decision...

I dont think its nc im looking for compketely but im definately considering relocating.
Trouble is we have been on a 2 week holiday just dd and I and she missed her granpy. Trouble is I think shes too close to him.
To be fair to him he is very helpful but its the dynamics with his girlfriends family that suck.

I was the family scape goat whem dm was alive. Dad seems to be stuck in this pattern.

I'm sorry but if your dad is scapegoating you, then he's not good for your daughter.

It's a terrible way for your daughter to see you treated and what's worst is that she will think it is normal

He will likely treat her the same way.

There is a very good chance she will grow up and pick a man who will treat her just like that, specially if there is no positive male model.

It's drastic, but I'm afraid that you need to face the options of telling him to treat you better (give examples if you have to and do it in a calm way) or to cut contact.

If he treats you badly, that's what she'll learn is normal.

Regarding anyone else treating you badly, the best way to handle it is to keep calm - no matter what- and to ask them to stop. If they don't, say that you arent willing to be treated like this and leave.

You can't change them but you can change what you do. If you act like you expect to be treated with respect, then people do or else they end up out of your life (and ofc, treat other people with the same respect! :) )