crossroads head v heart please help need non bias advice

[virgo6]

hello everyone im new here im a bit lost i need advice from people with experience

basically i was with my ex for 5 years i was infactuated with him he is so handsome and very fun to be around festivals parties so so romantic and dedicated to me we were inseparable we spoke of marriage and children etc trouble is we had a difficult long distance relationship i moved to be with him after 1.5 years and we had 1 miscarriage and an ectopic , this put strain on the relationship he couldnt hold down a job and we argued alot and he moved out he was drinking staying out all night he cheated on me alot kissing girls at clubs he cheated me the day after our ectopic and i finally had enough and left even though i really didnt want to i had to because everyone knew what he was doing he wasnt discreet and it was very painful and went on for around 14 months he didnt listen when i said id leave and i just felt unwanted he would tell me leave him alone on nights out and openly chat up girls in front of me etc and just didnt want to commit to anything long term or moving in non of my family like him anymore

after just a few months i got close to a mutual male friend he was very funny and i was laughing for the first time in ages he isnt my usual type and im not sure if its a rebound he now my bf he has a bit of a past and obviously messy start for us but we have settled into a lovely relationhship we are like great friends we are due to move in together shortly and he is offering me security not money wise as i have my own and ive walked away from rich men before its not that but i mean we have the same family values and stable job i get on amazing with his family ive been with him 9 months hes not perfect not as romantic and its not been a whirlwind romance more like a slow development theres no fireworks but he always means well and i do have fun and he doesnt like to party he grounds me and helps me focus on improving my life and hes very talented with good energy

trouble is i cant get my cheating ex out my head and i miss the passion and the spark is still there that i dont really have with my current guy i do fancy him but not as much as i do for my ex even after nearly 6 years he said losing me made him grow up and he would go back to how he used to be if only given the chance he still doesnt have a job and hes been partying all summer but he says that because he is single and that my current boyfriend will cheat on me given time because of his past

im very confused im 34 years old and if i was 21 id say id give the ex a chance but because im 34 i dont really have the time if he messes up again i want a large family and i was very depressed during the last stages but if i took a risk and he has changed he would be perfect

i just wondered if anyones been through similar leaving someone you love because you have to not because you want to ? do you think im rebounding ? and is security better than sexual chemistry ... obviously there is some sexual chemistry with my partner its just not as strong and i dont look at him the same i feel like this is head v heart

why does it come down to a choice between 2?

the ex is an ex for a reason. dont go back there.

if you're not in live with current guy then end it. dont string him along hoping the spark will miraculously appear.

you can find security and chemistry with someone else eventually.

why not take some time to be on your own and see what develops from there

Stay away from the ex. You saying he had been partying all summer - do you think he will stop that if you get back together, IMHO he won't. I get the feeling on your half its more infatuation with your ex than actual love, and maybe the same with him.

Bit hypocritical of him to say your current BF will cheat on you and to go back with him when he cheated on you when you were together. I would cut the ex off altogether, close that chapter in your life.

Don't compare every man to your ex, that isn't healthy, he obviously had many flaws.

With your current BF it sounds like this is more of a friendship/companionship. Can you truelly say to yourself this is the man you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with, having children with. If not then end it, don't string him along hoping those feelings will come.

Youre still young, and I'm not saying you will find Mr Uber perfect, but there is someone out there that you will have that spark with and the feelings of long term.

Dont sacrifice yourself for the yearnings of someone who obviously isn't Mr Right (the ex).

The ex has proven to you, crystal clear, that he is awful.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Talk is so, so cheap, OP.

update thankyou for the advice i think i was having a bad time as it was mine and my exs birthdays that week , took a break with my current partner and had some space to think becasue i think we needed that space im civil with my ex now which has made me feel better no feelings like that there anymore

im living with my current partner and things have gone amazingly well althoug it was hard for a time we are building something good ,

sometime when youleave a mentally abusive relationship they still have thta hold for a while and think thats what it was and your right i think it was more infactution xx