How to react to what dd1 said to me (re relationship between dh and I )?

[marne2]

Was going to name change as a few of you will know me but decided not too.

Dd1 came running into the kitchen at lunch time to tell me 'she was watching the news and heard there's a new law about psychological abuse towards partners', I was a bit shocked that she understood what it meant, she's 10 years old, she then said 'that's good isn't it mum, now dad will have to stop being nasty to you' .

How do I react to this?

Dh and I don't have the best relationship ( it's up and down ), a few days ago he really upset me by imitating my voice in front of dd1, he repeated things I was trying to tell him in a whinny voice and was laughing at me and getting dd1 to join in, I got very upset and dh and I had a bit of a argument. It's something that happens often, I don't alway let it get to me but the fact he was doing it in front of dd really upset me. I have been off with dh since and I'm guessing dd1 has picked up on this.

I know feel guilty, guilty for letting dh treat me like a piece of crap and guilty that dd sees what goes on

What if, I don't think he did realise that it's upsetting to mimic people ( he does it with other people too but not to their face ), he thinks it's funny and he thinks dd1 finds it funny. I do suspect he is on the autistic spectrum, he doesn't really have any friends other than people he works with and close family, he's not very sociable and struggles in social situations. Dd1 has Aspergers so also see things slightly differently to most 10 year olds.

I have spoken to dh and his first reaction was 'she has heard you say it to me', apparently I have accused him of psychological abuse in front of him ( I can't remember doing this ). This morning he is very quiet and he seems very remorseful ( I know you will all say to take no notice and he won't change and you are probably right ).

I have to think about the whole situation and how staying will effect the dd's but also how leaving would effect them, I don't work due to dd2 being severely autistic, I would be forced to work and I would struggle to provide for the girls, I don't have much support from family or friends so I would be totally on my own, I would have to uproot the girls which would unsettle them a lot ( they can't handle change even in its smallest form ). At the moment the girls don't go without anything.

Backpedalling is normal, don't worry. The risks of ending the relationship often seem greater than the penalties for staying. Maybe DD did hear you say the phrase to your husband.... doesn't make it any less accurate. And maybe he does have Aspergers.... doesn't make his behaviour any more acceptable.

Rather than staying put out of fear of the unknown how about doing some solid research on what financial & other help would be available to you in the event of a split? Seek legal advice, check out available benefits etc. Your (X)H would be equally responsible for the care of DCs, for example, and would be financially responsible for them as well. There may be ways to avoid uprooting anyone.

Marne

It may well be that equally he is neither depressed nor on the ASD spectrum. Do not excuse any of this from him. Being depressed, anti social or being somewhere on the ASD spectrum does not give him carte blanche to treat you so appallingly. Your children are on that spectrum themselves and they do not treat you so badly do they, infact your eldest knows that her dad's treatment of you is wrong. They seeing all this at home is showing your children very damaging lessons on relationships. You want them to think that this is actually how adults behave in relationships, becomes their "norm" and a template for them to replicate?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so I am asking you just what did yours teach you?.

From the sounds of it as well he has never been assessed at all and would probably refuse any assessment. He acts like this too because he can, he feels entitled to do so.

He seems to be refusing to take any real responsibility for his actions here which is also a very bad sign. He's playing out the usual script. Any supposed remorse is short lived; he'll be back to playing his usual role in the cycle of abuse soon enough. As will you. Your children do not go without anything materially but emotionally they are picking up on all the bad vibes present in your home and that does affect them in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.

Leaving will affect them but staying within this will also affect them far more markedly and into their own adult lives as well. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?.

Would you really have to uproot the girls as well?. You have not sought legal advice from what I have seen so you cannot make such assumptions. He would more likely have to leave the family home, not you and your children. At least if he was not there you could live a life free of his constant barrage of abuse; also he would be obligated to support his children financially.