I don't suppose there are any instant cures for this, are there

[reallyneedtomoveon]

I'm struggling to move on emotionally from my previous relationship.

It was a 12 year one that ended very badly 2 years ago. I nearly (or did, maybe) had a mental breakdown due to some of the things my ex did for another 7 months after we split up. I was a bundle of fury, hurt, bitterness, and more fury on top. He only stopped tormenting me when he realised my mental health was going to effect him as well. We met up, talked about a few limited aspects of what had happened, and I got enough answers and information to calm me down somewhat. I set about building a new life.

Trouble is, I still can't move on from it properly and I want to, so much.

It doesn't help that I work with him so see him and get a reminder of it all every day. I've been applying for other jobs for nearly a year but no luck so far. I can't afford to just leave.

I'm sick of waking up at 4am with sick revenge fantasies going round and round in my mind. I'm sick of looking at him at work and sometimes feeling ok and quite normal (sometimes even quite friendly in a colleagues way) and other times wishing I could walk over and punch him. I'm so very angry about the way he treated me - the shit he pulled after our break up. I can't bring myself to let go of it.

I know this is only hurting me, not him.

I also feel awful as I'm in a new relationship and it's not right for this other man to take up so much of my thoughts. It's not constant, but maybe 2 nights a week I wake up going over and over it all. Poor new man wants to know what's worrying me, but I can't tell him.

How do I get rid of these obsessional thoughts? New job an obvious answer but not proving all that easy.

The end of twelve year relationship is not something you bounce back from quickly even if it was a mutual decision to part. Still having to work with him when he treated you so badly is just keeping those weeping sores open.

I'm so glad that you're at least moving on a little bit by having met someone else. That's the start of the process, and getting another job will be another step. Quite honestly, I'd rather stack shelves in Sainsburys than continue at the same work-place. You have more sheer guts than I ever will.

Thank you.

It's not really guts - more stubborness. I lost my relationship, my future, my home and I'll be damned if I gave up my job as well.

I've thought about counselling but can't afford it.

I feel as though I'm short changing new relationship and new man by having all this unresolved anger hanging over me. I can't seem to get shot of it. I'm still SO furious with ex. I wasn't like this when my marriage broke down, I maintained an amicable relationship with my ex husband, because we had a child and we both worked hard at it to ensure things stayed amicable. I feel so angry that my last ex seemed to go out of his way to make things as awful as possible for me. He denies this, he said he 'made some mistakes' about how he handled it, but it wasn't deliberate. But he still did awful things even though I was asking him to stop. It's not the fact that we broke up that gets to me still, but the way we broke up and the aftermath.

You mention that you can't afford counselling... but it looks like you can't afford NOT to go. Your mental health is the most important element in your overall life picture; without it nothing else will work out well. Could your GP recommend you for NHS counselling? If not, have you ever tried to negotiate a payment plan for private care? Think about it again.

You have actually done really well OP, I know your ex was a cunt but you have to let go of the past, perhaps a wee visit to the docs would help, they are well used to this sort of thing - even something to help you sleep better.

I know you are finding it hard but really it's 2 years now, relationships break up all the time, even longer ones that yours and you just have to put it away and try as best to forget about it, you sound quite bitter and are focussing solely on the bad things he did, remember you stayed in that relationship too so were not completely blameless I bet, what he did afterwards sounds really shitty though, whatever it was, maybe he was full of anger and wanted to strike out, who knows, it really doesn't matter any more, what matters is now, today and the future.

I really think you need some counselling, go see the doctor in the first place.

You are right, I do need some help with this. I thought I could tough my way through it on my own, and I can't.

I've found out I can self-refer to the local NHS trust for counselling/psychological help for 6 sessions free of charge. I've filled out the form to apply this afternoon. Fingers crossed they'll take me on - it says they don't deal with relationship issues but this isn't, directly, is it? I would imagine they are thinking of stuff you go to Relate etc for as a couple.

I should hear from them about a telephone assessment to see if it's the right service for me within a week.

Thanks.

I think the person I'm really angry with is myself, for putting up with years of emotional abuse and gaslighting before we split up, which made ex think he could get away with treating me like a fool afterwards as well.

I hate myself for being such a fucking idiot. I think I need to forgive myself, rather than him.

Honey, I think you need to be kinder to yourself.

You're out of an awful relationship. Yet you're forced to face him and be professional in your dealings with him. Most people do not have to do this. It's going to affect you. You're going to have thoughts about him surface if you're suppressing what you feel about him for such a large portion of your life.

You're doing the right things, looking for a job, organising counselling, you see that this is only hurting you. It's going to take time and space from him to heal.

You do, and isn't hindsight wonderful, in fact isn't it great that we can sit here and pontificate on what everyone should be doing and how they are doing everything wrong but when it comes to our own situation we are completely clouded, by feelings, you had feelings OP and you can't hate yourself for that, I am sure you will have learned valuable lessons from this relationship and about yourself - you definitely need to forgive yourself.

my therapist taught me something useful to help with revenge fantasies.

she said revenge is a natural thing to want, your brain is wired to think about it when you are hurt, but that the fanstasising releases dopamine in your brain which affects you like cocaine would. it is literally addictive. hence the cycle of constantly ruminating on revenge.

she said you have to treat it like an addiction.
pick a nurturing activity (knitting, tea making, art, puzzles, something engrossing)
and
write down some positive, comforting sentences. e.g. "I have a lovely life and new partner." "Life is full of new beginnings." "I am recovering all the best parts of myself." etc.

when the ruminating strikes,

• practice stepping back and saying "i'm indulging in the revenge fantasies again. this is an addiction. i'm going to do something else now to replace this damaging addiction with a positive addiction."
• pick up your knitting/pull out a puzzle/etc.
• repeat the positive/comforting sentences to yourself. calmly. breathe through it, let the bad thoughts dissolve and keep gently bringing yourself back to the good thoughts you've chosen.

it's ok if the revenge thoughts burst through, you just have to keep practicing and you'll change the habit. be gentle with yourself.

it really is a habit. like smoking, or biting your nails. you derive comfort from fantasies of harming him, but in the process, it's taking over your life. so now is the time to replace the habit.

you've got to put your pride aside to some extent, though, in doing this. you've got to recognise that the revenge feelings, however valid, aren't doing you enough good for you to continue them. there may be times that you rebel against that and want to go back to indulging in revenge, but it's a question of disciplining yourself not to fall back into it.

it takes a while, but you'll break the habit in time.

please know that i REALLY know what you are going through. and it's shitty, and unfair. but you can change it and get to a better place despite him.

another thing my therapist taught me, was the drama triangle. in a painful situation, usually everyone takes one of three roles:

1. Victim
2. Persecutor
3. Rescuer.

If one person switches roles, it forces the other person into another role, causing more pain just of a different flavour.

your ex was a persecutor and you probably tried to rescue him for ages, but finally you were forced into victim role. eventually you were like, FUCK THIS, and became angry, moving into persecutor role. predictably, he then had to vacate the role of persecutor... hence him coming to his senses and stopping it all. he moved into rescuer instead, meeting up with you to give you what you needed to "move on".

which was a relief to you for a little while.
but you stayed stuck in persecutor role. hence revenge fantasies, where you persecuted HIM, taking over your like.

again, same level of pain, just a different type to when you were the victim.

and all the drama continues to play out in your head. you constantly move around the triangle, remembering painful things, recalling past roles (his and yours), etc.

the way to stop the pain is to resist the temptation to just switch roles again. one thinks this will help, but it won't. pride keeps us in the triangle usually - you don't want to opt out of it because on some level, you feel that's admitting that the bad things the other person did were actually OK. BUT, that's not what opting out means. it simply means you are doing the only thing that will really stop the pain.

basically saying, "there is game being played here inside my head, and it hurts to play, so i am just going to do something else. like knitting. or laughing with my new partner."

it's the old "do you want to be "right", or do you want to be happy?" thing.

if you can become aware of how you use the drama triangle to continue drama, you might be able to start opting out of it, little by little. you'll feel your pride being hurt as you do it, but that's momentary, and you're rewarded by an enormous reduction in pain.

good luck.

I found a local charitable organisation offering counselling for a small donation each session. There was a waiting list but just knowing I was on that list helped. They offered really excellent advice and were staffed by fully qualified counsellors offering different therapy types to suit, including CBT. Maybe there is something similar in your area, OP?

ADs would probably get rid of the obsessive thoughts. No need for counselling then.

i agree with the stamp.

My mental health suffered terribly when i split with my ex. I indulged in exactly the behaviour you describe (as well as other behaviours)

It is perfectly normal behaviour and feelings, you can learn to control and stop it over time.

I am as confident as i can be that without counselling i would not have recovered half as quick if at all. I would urge you to make counselling your number one priority, beg borrow or steal the money!!!