how do you get over someone stealing your dream?

[saltytears]

We were so in love. We made so many plans.

Now he is doing it all with someone else. Every dream we had, every plan we made - he is doing it all, just not with me.

They are calling their son the name we chose for our child (I miscarried).
They are emigrating to the country we visited and planned to move to.
He bought the house we looked at - but with her.

And they were MY dreams. Dreams I had and shared with him and thrn they became our dreams.

Now he has taken them all and is giving everything - all of it - to her.

I feel like my throat has been ripped out. Physically. Thats how I feel. We just spoke on the phone for the first time in months and he told me thry are moving in the New year, to my favourite city in the world, the place we planned to make our life.

How can anyone be so cruel? Just how?

I feel like I have to start all over again with new dreams and plans. But I am just broken.

OP I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry this happened to you Your feelings are totally valid and understandable but you owe it to yourself and your son to move on and be happy.

If the sadness is very persistent would it be worth mentioning to your GP? I'm loathe to say that as your sadness is completely understandable but January is a long time to be so very sad for. Would AD's help? I'm not saying this lightly but they may give you a boost of sorts, to help you get your zest for life back.

The other things you might want to consider are cognitive behaviour therapy or even hypnotherapy. Counselling has its place but sometimes it can seem retrospective. Behaviour therapies will give you very practical methods you can use to move forward and to focus on the future. Hypnotherapy can help with your self-esteem and help you envision a positive future.

I am sorry this man treated you this way. I think you are right: he knows he has been a bastard and used you. Some people are able to behave this way and still sleep at night. He's no longer your problem. I actually feel sorry for his new partner because after the first throes of whirlwind romance and new life are over she will still be married to a selfish and amoral man. This will affect her for the rest of her life.

And on a final note: there is nothing stopping you from reclaiming those dreams for yourself. If you want another child, have another child. If you want to move abroad, then move abroad. But some of the therapies mentioned might help you get to a place where you can start to focus on your own life again and you'll feel all of your excitement about life start to return.

I wish you the very best of luck OP x

OneSkinnyChip, I read that as meaning that her ex told her recently that he is "moving in the New Year".

Thanks Raven, you're absolutely right. In which case OP considering how raw and fresh this is your sadness is totally understandable. I do recommend that you think about the CBT though, as a way of focusing on the future rather than the past or what might have been.

To be honest he sounds more than a little weird in the way that he is moving on with your joint plans just swapping you for someone else - what on earth must she think? My guess is that he will swap her too at some point, as he sounds singlemindedly self centred. I had my wedding booked when my ex went off with someone else, so my best advice is to cut him out entirely, including mutual fruends if they are unable to keep quiet about what he is doing. You have to start thinking of yourself entirely seperately to him, start thinking of your own new plans from the point you find yourself now - start a new dream. Im not going to lie, it took me years to get over, but more than a decade later while there are things that have happened that I regret, losing a manipulative selfish man is not one of them - you will feel the same one day, honestly.

It does seem like hard work having to start from scratch again and build up new dreams, especially when you might have lost touch with what you even want any more. But dreaming isn't a chore, is it? It's all about imagining things that would be really, really wonderful for you. Your experiences have changed you; you're probably a different person now, with different dreams. I know that I have different dreams to those I had a few years ago. I don't know if they'll come true - that's dreams for you - but these new dreams are nice.

saltytears, where would you like to live? Near your family? Near the seaside? In the country? Somewhere modern? Somewhere ancient and romantic? There are lots of options open to you right now.

the worst thing is losing yourself all right, not losing 'him'.

think i'm quoting taylor swift there but it's true.

Your x must have a sensitivity chip missing (low empathy) to sail forward, same life, same details, just a different woman. that is really abnormal. Like he was just casting a woman in a supporting role. He never really saw YOU.

tHERE will come a day when you feel such relief

Salty, when i walked out of my last psychotherapy session about three years ago I thought they hadn't helped, but it was that I hadn't had time to have experiences to react differently to. Once time had passed and I realised I had reacted differently to various things, that I had ignored drama baits, valued myself, turned my back on negativity or toxicity or asked for some need to be met, said NO............ well, I realised that the therapy had worked. But I don't think anybody can know that the second they finish the course. dykwim? they need real life events to test whether they're now stronger or able to react less destructively etc (just examples that matched my situation)

Dreams are not reality....however your grief for the dream is harder to accept than the reality you have.

Let it go, and let him go or he will ruin your life.

He sounds like an insensitive arse at the least, a weird control freak at the worst. I'm thinking of the new woman - the childs name (unless it was something obvious, like his late father/mothers name), the move, house, the new life, etc... Has she bought into this or been railroaded into what He wants?

It sounds like you are free from someone who is very ego centric, and watch this space to see when he 'replaces' the new model when she decides to disagree with Him or His plans.

Dear Salty, it just takes is time and the belief that this will pass, that you are better off without this person in your life.

I felt utterly & completely replaced on every level & it was overwhelming. I was consumed with anger, hate, bitterness and resentment.

My ex moved the OW into our home, took her on holidays we were meant to go on, even gave her a credit card on his account whilst asking me for mine back. Absolutely grim. She even has the same bloody birthday as me - yuk.

Just focus on you, not what they are doing. I once asked my ex how he could take this person to places which had been so special to us. His response - "Well, I like it there". Says it all really.

Every time you start thinking about what he's up to - force yourself to stop & focus on doing something else instead. I promise you it does get better.

Hi op

The good thing about dreams is they are never ending and you can invent new ones.

Look at it this way, nothing she seems to have is an original thought having come from her, if he is that manipulative then I fear for her because she is going to be thousands of miles away living a lie.