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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinion please... This caught me off guard

44 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 20/08/2014 09:45

So DH and I recently bought a new car. Preggers with baby no2 and knew we would need to upgrade so started the hunt.
Had a ford focus, I wanted something along the lines of c-max type and size. He bounced from car to car to car. Wanting a C-max, then S-max, then Mondeo, then a golf+ then finally settling on a tiguan.

I like the car. VW is a good make. It's nice and high up. Little 4x4 has loads of upgrades and is in great condition etc.
But, at the time I pointed out several things
A) it was more then I had budgeted to spend on new car
B) it has higher car tax then before which I wasn't keen on
C) it was very high mileage
D) running costs are higher as is excellent fuel efficiency on long journeys but I mostly do short ones and that is not as good.
E) next insurance group so again more.

We discussed and discussed and he was so so so keen and seemed completely set on it so I agreed and we bought it.

We were having an argument the other night where we said I always get my way and everything I want and he always has to give in and never gets anything he wants etx. Basically painting a picture of a very selfish and demanding wife and a bullied and put upon husband.
So, I used the car as an example of one of the hundreds of times I give into his wants and go against my own. This was on Sunday.
Last night we spoke again, very calmly about a few things that had been said and he concluded the conversation by saying that we have to sell the car, he will give me back the money that I put in (we split the cost 50:50 on everything) and any loss he makes on the sale of it will be his to swallow. But that he isn't a bully and he can no longer enjoy the car knowing I only bought it to make him happy.

This has actually hugely pissed me off. It seems like an incredibly childish and stupid way to behave. We did get a fantastic deal on the car and I do like it. He has completely missed my point and in subsequent explanations is essentially refusing to see my point. So now he wants to sell it and buy a different car.

My friend agrees that he is acting like a pathetic man child but then she mentioned 'gas lighting'.
I was lost when she said that. But it's cos he has now put me in a position where if I say anything about these sorts of problems it will be worse for me and that the 'sale' of the car (which she reckons he will do a u turn on) is a tool to teach me not to bring these things up and has put me in my place. I think she might be right cos now I do feel like I can't say anything no matter how I feel cos it has caused a huge issue. He has taken it to a huge extreme rather then just see my point.

What do you think? Are we (friend and I) over analysing? Or is he emotionally manipulating me into a position of submission??

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2014 12:48

(The 'no' was aimed at a PP rather than the OP)

TillyWilly · 20/08/2014 12:57

And that is why I posted what I did. The OPs husband seems to believe that It is her that is at fault and,she thinks it is him. She seems to have only felt this way about his behaviour during this pregnancy from what she has said.

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 20/08/2014 13:23

I've only noticed it during this pregnancy. Maybe that's cos we spend more time together then we did during the first, I worked a lot during my first and am part time now so I am home more.

I have noticed that his patience has worn down. I put a lot of things down to sleep deprivation as our 2yr old still wakes a lot.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2014 13:27

Presumably both of you are equally sleep-deprived? It's no excuse to pick fights over petty subjects. Worth setting aside some time when everyone is calm and well-rested. Subject for discussion.... 'How we reach compromises in future and what are the parameters for acceptable behaviour'

magoria · 20/08/2014 13:30

I think your friend is spot on sorry.

He is deliberately making a big deal about selling the car now to hold over you.

Why? Because he can't be wrong and you can't be right. So he has to prove you get your own way and he misses out.

It is all done to get you to STFU next time.

TillyWilly · 20/08/2014 13:33

People do tend to argue more when together for extended times and stress thrown into the mix. Take Christmas / New Year time, mire people file for divorce straight after said holiday than any other time in the year.

TillyWilly · 20/08/2014 13:46

You say his patience has worn down. What else is going on for you to feel that.

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 20/08/2014 13:53

We used to bicker and just get over it. If I snapped out of frustration or said something in the 'wrong' to e of voice he would be miffed but it wasn't the end of the world.
But more recently he will go into a mood over everything and he has no patience. If I say something sharper then he thinks was needed he will shut down, not talk to me, decide not to eat dinner... And then if I try to talk to him about it he just either hardly responds or turns it into a row.

He built an ikea item last week (a flash point for most people!!) and it wasn't as quick and simple as he expected. But he used to just grumble and get on with it. This time he was swearing and banging things. Cursing ikea continuously and the mood went on for hours afterwards.

OP posts:

antimatter · 20/08/2014 13:59

He built an ikea item last week (a flash point for most people!!) - depending what it was
some are very confusing

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2014 14:07

I suppose someone has to lob this into the conversation so it might as well be me.... Sometimes big changes in personality, temper, irrational moods and picking fights over trivial things can herald big announcements of the earth-shattering 'I've not been happy in the relationship for some time and I'm moving in with Beryl at No 37' variety. Wedge-driving behaviour in anticipation of bailing... No chance of that going on is there?

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 20/08/2014 14:26

I don't think so Cog I just have no reason to suspect that. He has given me no indicators and I don't see where he would find the time!!
Just doesn't concern me at all.

I suppose it is worth mentioning that originally he didn't want baby no2. I didn't bully or persuade. I always knew I wanted more then one but after dd was born I never mentioned it as I wasn't ready!! Dd was roughly 16 months when he said 'let's try again' and so we did and baby is due in 5 weeks.
So maybe he is having some doubts and probably changed his mind to make me happy - which would be me getting my way I guess!! I didn't even think of this until just now. It didn't seem relevant to my original post.....

OP posts:

TillyWilly · 20/08/2014 14:37

That's why I don't feel making judgements about people when we don't know the whole story ( and never will) and the other persons point if view, makes it very difficult to label someone. No one knows what goes on in relationships nor the dynamics involved. OP it seems like this thread has helped you to see a bigger picture than you originally saw.

TillyWilly · 20/08/2014 14:42

The relationship doesn't seem healthy though and maybe resentments on both sides. Your husband doesn't seem happy at home either from what you have said.

LovesPeace · 21/08/2014 07:28

It sounds as though he's tired, as in sleep deprived.
You say he always wants to rest in the house at the weekend but you like to go out places - maybe he could have Sat as a rest day, Sunday for days out as a family?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/08/2014 08:29

"probably changed his mind to make me happy "

He said 'lets try again'. That's pretty unequivocal. Not 'I've changed my mind to keep you happy' or 'I'm not totally convinced but it's important to you'.

I don't mean this unkindly but you're making a lot of excuses for his miserable attitude. I can see why you're trying to rationalise and minimise his motives but if you make too many allowances, you risk being taken even more for granted and subjected to more crappy behaviour.

kaykayblue · 21/08/2014 08:35

I don't think his behaviour is reasonable at all. He really is acting like a man child.

I think the first port of action is to sit down with him when you are both calm, and to say that you need to point out that you do not appreciate his attitude over the whole car scenario - AT ALL. It is petulant, childish and manipulative.

I think sometimes when people are tired they can become more petty and manipulative than usual - in those situations they need someone to look them in the eye and say "I know what you are doing, and I won't stand for it".

It might also be good to have a wider conversation about how you are both feeling - it seems like his mood overall has nose dived. I agree with a poster who said that you should let him have some time at home at the weekend - there's nothing wrong with you going out on a day trip alone, or taking the youngest with you and letting him get some rest.

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 21/08/2014 10:22

Most weekends or time off is spent not doing much at all.
The last thing we all did together as a family was to go on holiday in June.
I have vouchers for London zoo (that he agreed to) and would far rather go before baby shows up but whenever I ask it's 'we'll see'. I tried all summer to her him to go to Southend (our nearest beachy place) but he claims he won't enjoy it at the weekend cos that's when everyone goes. But we can't go midweek cos he is working...... I'm not asking for jam packed full on weekends. Once/twice a month to take dd out as a family? We do lots ourselves during the week without him.

I do make lots of excuses and rationales. I have the mindset of trying to see something from all possible sides. Put myself in their shoes etc and so I come up with umpteen different reasons for behaviours. Probably not a good thing but I feel unfair if I don't try to consider all possibilities. He's quite private about his thoughts n feelings so I guess I spend time trying to second guess him. Because I'm the opposite.

We have kind of moved on from this now, so it now feels silly and trivial. But I'm seeing a bigger picture and some behavioural traits that worry me. I shall be on guard now, naturally, to see if this continues. Be shitty if it does

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 10:55

Ok.

I think your friend is right - and she has much more info to go on.

In this car situation - you cannot be right. If you sell it then that's your fault. If you keep it it's your fault. Either way it will be brought up time and again. No amount of saying 'I actually brought that up as a counter argument to you saying I always get my own way' will be understood because he is deliberately using this as a counter argument and flouncing about it.

So to the gaslighting - the initial argument about him saying you always get your own way - that is the gaslighting. I suspect other instances have arisen that will fall into place in time.

The fact that he won't talk to you when you make a fair point is stonewalling. Another abuse tactic.

How about researching abuse tactics and behaviours and working out whether this is an abusive relationship and then making a decision once you have done some research?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/08/2014 11:26

I'll be blunt, from a quick read through it sounds like some form of couples counselling would be a good idea for both of you.
The relationship sounds very stressful to me and as though it's based on one partner constantly compromising or backing down as you both posture for the upper hand and in every situation someone has to give way.

In our marriage we discuss things and reach an amicable agreement and move on. I'm not crowing about that but I imagine it's how most relationships work. You're just not working as a team in this marriage at the moment and it must be wearing you both out let alone the work of raising a family too

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