Weeks away from giving birth, DH won't stop drinking, think our relationship is on the rocks and I'm miles from home. Any advice?

[slowburner35]

I've been married for a couple of years to a guy who's always been a bit of a drinker. It's been causing problems between us on and off, and I've found myself starting to think of him as an alcoholic. His dad died of alcohol related illness and he does sometimes acknowledge that drinking is "an issue" but not one he feels he needs to deal with right now.
I'm in my third trimester of my first pregnancy and things seem to be intensified - maybe the fact that I'm not drinking means I see his behaviour as more abnormal. He drinks a bottle+ of wine on his own most nights, can never have just a couple of beers and leave it at that -drinks to get pissed and 90% of the time he's a horrible drunk.
We've always had quite an intense relationship, big rows and reconciliations, but over my pregnancy the intense making-up has fallen away. Our sex life has all but vanished - he's too stressed to be in the mood ever...which I find really hard to handle.
He's recently taken on a stressful job to support me and our family which I know he finds really tough, but he takes out all his work stress on me.
He's also going through a custody battle over his son from a previous relationship, which is obviously really difficult and puts a lot of pressure on us financially and emotionally (his ex is a huge pain in the ass wherever possible). Ditto taking out the stress on my from this situation.
He really is an excellent dad and when he's not stressed out/drinking, a lovely guy. I also adore his kid and we have a good relationship.
Just to add to the mix, we've moved for his work so have little to no support locally. Both our families are miles away.

The situation that triggered this post is that I had a false alarm yesterday - thought I was going into labour. We agreed I probably wasn't but he nonetheless hooked into the booze (meaning he couldn't drive to the hospital if needed).
I feel like that's a sign that he's not going to be able to get his shit together, and that I can't trust him - and if he's this reliant on alcohol now, how's it going to work when we're operating on no sleep with a newborn?
I'm totally financially dependent on him at the moment and I feel totally trapped. What the hell do I do - do I need to find a new birth support person (is it fair to cut him out of being at the birth?) and then about the relationship overall?
Am really feeling lost and panicking :(
I have been loving this pregnancy but now feel terrified about giving birth alone, and raising a kid without any help.
Appreciate any advice.

i beg you to get away and to take the baby with you. my father is an alcoholic. it never goes away and ruins people's lives, having an alcoholic for a parent.

i'm very sorry that you're going through this but please, for the sake of the child, remove yourself from this man and don't go back.

no matter how much you try, there is no "we". You can't help him. his primary relationship is with the drink and you don't factor into it. the only "we" in his life is him + the drink. You, and soon the baby, are just an impediment to the drink.

Listen to the previous post. You cannot change this man. Only he can change and whilst he's with you he will not.

You are already effectively a single parent (or at least soon to be), but wouldn't it be do much easier to be a single parent without a drunken unpredictable drain on your energy / emotions / finances (and quite possibly, safety) as well?!

If he wins custody of his son, will he stop drinking?
Once your baby is born, will he stop drinking?

What does he say about that, when you ask him?

Did the huge bust ups/reconciliations in your relationship coincide with him drinking/not drinking?

Hi. First time poster.
I am an ex-partner of an alcoholic. He didnt drink day and nite. Not everyday either but has a serious problem none the less. I spent nearly 11 years hoping he would change, get better or stop drinking. And after 11 years and 3 lovely dcs i threw him out last year. He left our dcs on there own and went to the pub while i visited a friend. Our youngest was 2 at the time. I spent years begging and doin the daftest things like hiding his shoes or taking his phone while he slept so his pisshead friends couldnt contact him to go out.
Please think seriously abt getting out of this relationship. They never change. Ever. I have one regret. And that is i didnt get out sooner.

OP I was married to a functioning alcoholic. He too was an 'excellent Dad' and held down a job. Doubt many people would have realised the extent it reached Into our life. We were short of money but he would arrive home weighed down with crates of Stella. He'd start immediately and just drink steadily. He wasn't drunk snoring in a corner but nor was he company. His relationship was with the alcohol and not me

I lost sight of what was normal in a relationship. So I started justifying staying by saying things like he is an excellent dad, I love him (I did unfortunately) because when he wasn't prioritising drink he was lovely.

However he could never drive to anything or from anything. He started being a little 'difficult' and argumentative so I started appeasing and dreading being with other people in case they noticed. I carried the weight of the household work, worked full time and acted as a buffer between him and the children to maintain that appearance of 'excellent dad'

I covered up so well that it came as a massive shock to everyone when I stopped.

I can hear your stress, hear your dilemma. Can I suggest that for now you take this in stages and the first one is not covering up for him. You cannot change him. Covering things up until he 'gets better', is 'less stressed' etc etc is actually really harmful. Live normally. Let living as you'd expect to be able to with a decent supportive partner be your measure to really see your partner. It will be uncomfortable because part of the covering up exercise is to avoid confronting the truth yourself.

My regret: staying. Biggest regret: thinking it was 'for the children' because it most definitely WAS NOT in their best interests. You lose that insight when you're in it though

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. He's now stopped drinking altogether in preparation for the birth, and is also going to see a therapist. I think I need to wait and see how that plays out...and meanwhile try and focus on making sure the baby and me are healthy, stress free and happy. Fingers crossed...

He's also going through a custody battle over his son from a previous relationship, which is obviously really difficult and puts a lot of pressure on us financially and emotionally (his ex is a huge pain in the ass wherever possible).

Sorry, I see the thread has moved on but I just wanted to comment re. this. You see my dd's Ex has a child by a previous relationship who he cannot see because the family moved and didn't tell anyone where they moved to. We thought, and I include myself, what dreadful behaviour, her son needs to know his father. Time goes past and not I am thinking of doing exactly the same thing to protect my dd and dgd from a violent man.

He is an alcoholic.

He is not going to be able to just stop drinking altogether, without a LOT of support and determination. He might have stopped now, but he will not be able to sustain it unless he gets into a program of some sort.

If I were you, I would ask his permission to speak to his therapist myself, so that you can determine exactly what he's put in place to deal with his addiction. If he won't agree to that...leave. Not to punish him, but for your child's sake.

Beware the grand gesture, op. It's not uncommon for alcoholics (or whatever label you use) to stop drinking to show you/them/everyone else "I can't have a problem - Ive done a whole week/month without a drink".
Afterwards, the added self righteousness just gives them more "permission" to drink as they choose and more ammunition to use against you if you should dare to comment on it.
Please be careful - my exbf was a very high functioning alcoholic. Very well paid job, 'popular' with quite a high profile in his home town, but behind closed doors it was terrifying. He could be lovely and very generous (too much, really) but his temper was vile, he would shout and swear and was very aggressive. He hurt me once. The second occasion he locked me out (leaving my ds inside the house). I suddenly realised that he could harm my ds as well as me and that was it for me.
I'd never come across someone who drank like that and I felt so inadequate that I hadn't been able to make him stop. When I said this to the lovely policeman who got us out he just said, "You can't argue or discuss anything with a drunk because drunks are just not reasonable. All you can do is walk away". I walked and didn't look back.

I still feel sick to my stomach that my ds could so easily have been seriously injured by this man though. The only thing that meant he wasn't was luck. Please don't put your little baby in that situation.

"He's now stopped drinking altogether in preparation for the birth, and is also going to see a therapist. I think I need to wait and see how that plays out.."

Why out yourself through any more of this?. And you are bringing a child into this as well. Did you think that he being a parent will somehow get him to address his drink problem properly?. Children make bad relationships a lot worse.

Its a grand gesture and an empty one ultimately. It will not end well, that is how its going to play out for you and your child.

If he seriously thinks you are going to leave, his most obvious step to prevent that is to pretend everything is going to change until you've had the baby, which presumably then he can either PREVENT you moving away with, or he will hope that you are too trapped with a small baby to go anywhere.

They never change, they never change, they never change. It's the one truth that is upheld on every thread similar to yours that I have ever ever read.

You are sleepwalking here into a potential disaster.

Where are you? You mention a 'long flight'. If you have your baby where you are, it is very possible that once you have the baby there, you will be STUCK- your options to stay put or leave without your baby. You could even end up split but unable to leave the country unless he gives you permission to go, or you leave without your child. Can you envisage being forced to continue living in your current location, even after he is long gone and is obviously doing nothing to support you? That could easily be your future.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

Come back NOW. Have the baby in your home country. Carry on trying with him if you must - yes!! Just don't effectively put your own handcuffs on. Leave now. Tell him you are having the baby at home and you will only agree to come back when he is six months sober/ when he can show enough committment to travel with you and support you at home.

This isn't a 'leave the bastard' if you don't want it to be. It's not about that. The relationship could continue anywhere. But for god's sake look at the legal position where you are based and I can assure you, if you are in another country and he knows that once you have the baby he has the power to stop you leaving with it, you are absolutely fucked, trapped at the whim of someone who is very, very likely to fuck up your entire life.

good post castle milk. DS 1's dad was a drinker. He stopped after his 3rd heart attack, but only short term. He has limited contact with my DS, none of his older son's have anything to do with him.their mother was painted as the evil ex, but she was protecting them. Think very carefully before being trapped in another country with him.

Whatever your plans after the birth, is there anyone locally at all (perhaps a kind neighbour?) that could be with you if the worst happened and your H was not sober when you went into labour? I think dealing with getting through the birth is your most pressing issue atm.

And actually, what Castlemilk said about him having rights over the baby once it's born. If there's any chance at all that he could trap you there then get out now. Do it by a series of short flights if you have to. X

Again, OP think seriously about what Castlemilk has said.

Or get on a ferry, a bus, a train, get out and get home now. Then worry about what you want for the future.

Update: three weeks on and so far he's kept his word about not drinking.
I have some anxiety about what might happen post-birth, and I've now got some support through my GP and midwife in place just in case...but right now things are looking a lot less bleak. Thanks for all the advice and support.

That's a great update.
Very pleased that he has kept to his word.
Let's hope it continues.
But if it doesn't, then your MN support will be here for you.
I hope he's also not 'being shitty' and is giving you the love and support you need.
Good luck with everything.

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation to you - now have 3 young dcs and although dh has managed to have brief spells where he has not drunk, overall he is still a drinker and it has had a pretty negative impact on our relationship.

I hope this is not the case for you, but if things do take a turn for the worse again please put yourself and your dc first, and look for support for you. I spent years trying to 'manage' my dh's drinking to bugger all effect in the long run, now I realise only he can do anything about it. I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight, they are there to support the families and friends of problem drinkers, if at any time you feel you need help.

slowburner -

You seem desperate to avoid all the advice on this thread - especially around potentially being trapped due to the Hague Convention.

Many women come on these boards a few months or years down the line from your current position, and wish that they could have known sooner. You are burying your head in the sand and walking into this situation with your eyes wide open. Wide, wide open.

I genuinely hope that his "counselling" works. I really do hope that he doesn't pop out to "wet the baby's head" and come home blind drunk. I hope he doesn't hurt the baby whilst drunk, or prioritise drinking with friends over helping you at home.

But he probably will.

And at that point you really will only have yourself to blame.

Sorry, but it's true.