Is it me?

[BlueGirl1982]

Hi

I've been with my oh for almost 2 years, we've lived together for 12 months, and most of the time everything is good.

If I'm ever upset about something though, or want to discuss something he doesn't want to, it usually results in a big argument, me apologising to diffuse things, then him ignoring me until he's 'gotten over' it.

Tonight is an example of this...he asked if he can borrow £150 for his kickboxing. I have no real issue with this, other than I've already paid for our holiday plus spent a fortune a few weeks ago on going to his friend's wedding, and whilst I generally don't care, I don't see it as 'my money', I am starting to feel a bit taken for granted, as there wasn't even a thank you.

I tried to explain this to him, to which his response was 'you always think you're so much better than me, what do you do that makes you so wonderful?!' I (& this is where I may be wrong) pointed out that I do all of the cooking, make him lunch every day for work, laundry, shopping, cleaning, bring him a cup of tea in bed every morning, none of which I mind doing, in fact I like doing for him, even though I work longer hours further from home, bring him presents (the most recent being a watch he'd wanted on the morning of his friend's wedding), I mostly take the initiative in the bedroom because he prefers that, I think I'm reasonably good to him...but apparently none of this counts and he'd rather I didn't bother than use it against him. I explained I wasn't, and I didn't want to get into an argument, but inside I do feel like this is taking the pee a bit. We went to bed and I said it didn't matter, I don't want to fight, but he was just wound up and said I'm always whinging, he's sick of it, and I should just shut up and leave him alone. He's now asleep, and I'm awake and upset, wondering if I caused this or if he is unreasonable??

I have wondered before if he's emotionally abusive, he gets pissed off if I get upset about anything, I wind up apologising, which he usually throws in my face saying that 'sorry' is meaningless and if I was really sorry I wouldn't keep whinging, and I then have to wait for him to snap out of it.

I know I can go on about things sometimes, but on the whole I think he gets away with murder, and it's just always at the back of my mind that maybe I deserve better.

Sorry for the long rant, just needed to say it and not just be told to shut up! (Although please do say if you think it us me)

I love him, and when we're happy it's good. He can just be so hot and cold. It's made worse by the fact that before we got together properly he was lovely all of the time, never saw this side of him, but he blames me, says that I cause this.

Is this my fault?

I imagine Mickey treats Minnie a lot better :-)

Thank you all for drying my tears, and stopping me from lying here all night thinking I'm a pyscho like he'd have me believe...time for some tough decisions I think :-/

Take a friend to Florida instead and have a great time pretending you are 12 again.
Please.
dont spend another penny on this ungrateful, unpleasant, entitled wankstain

Self esteem isn't my strong point, when we first got together he used to spend all his time telling me how I should value myself more, I'm gorgeous, wonderful etc

It seems he picked up your lack of self esteem quite quickly, said lovely things to you for a while, and then in exchange he got:

a paid for holiday
fortune spent on friend's wedding (and not even a thank you)
All the cooking done
lunch every day for work
laundry
shopping
cleaning
a cup of tea in bed every morning
presents, the most recent being a watch
and you taking the initiative in the bedroom because he prefers it

If I list it out like that, can you see how he's making full use of you, and your kindness? I'm not even mentioning his rudeness, sense of entitlement and aggression towards you.

Yes, please take a friend to Florida instead, and reclaim your life.

Bluegirl - What is he bringing into your relationship, it all sounds one-sided from my perspective.

Can you imagine a conversation in which you say 'this isn't working for me any more, I think we should go our separate ways'? Are you buying a house together or renting, how easy would it be to disentangle your lives? At the moment your relationship sounds very lopsided, you're doing all the grunt work, paying half the bills, but you don't have an equal say - in fact you're bending over backwards to please him and getting snapped at for your trouble. What's he doing to make you happy?

BlueGirl - As I've written, I have been there in my own way. I have signed on for it all, lived it through, come out the other side with the scars.

Those scars are key. They are reminders of where I will no longer go, and what I will no longer tolerate. They have made me stronger.

It takes time to get out -- and to stay out. And it takes time to nurture self-esteem to the point where it's an inextricable part of you, and you are expanded as a result. You are bigger, your life is bigger, your heart is bigger, and you will look back in wonder at how far you've come.

Best of luck.

I've been with my dh for 18 years and be still tells me that I'm gorgeous. Time for you to move on xx

Time to move on I think...sorry x

I agree with Nettle and others.

"He did the nice guy routine to reel you in, I'm afraid, and this miserable, lazy user is sadly the real person."

Many of us have been there and are better for having moved on.

As Glace says "time to move on"

This one is a wrong'un.

He is emotionally abusive. He's not the one for you.
I married mine (because I didn't want to cause a fuss before the wedding and thought it would turn out to be OK).... It wasn't. 12 years later were getting divorced.
Please please don't stay because you think you don't deserve better. You do x

Please don't let your hopes that he'll suddenly change personality keep you trapped in this relationship. Everyone's nice to each other at first and on best behaviour. After 6 - 9 months you might start seeing the real them. Move in together so that they feel 'safe' and they stop pretending all together.

This is as good as he gets and it sounds miserable. Hope you find the courage and self-respect to end it

Hello BlueGirl. I rarely comment on this type of thread because everyone else seems to have wiser and more practical suggestions. However, your post touched me and I just wanted to say that you are wasting your time, your love, your energy and your kindness on this man. He's using and taking, and giving nothing back. There are many men out there who will cherish you and appreciate your lovely nature, and treat you a million times better than he is. Don't waste your young life like this. You really do deserve more. He sounds horrible.

You have only been together a short time so get out now - he is a complete arsehole and is using you for money as well as vetting out his frustrations, he almost holds you in contempt - stay and expect more of the same, being used by a cocklodger who doesn't give a fuck.

Stop running about after him like he is something special and stop giving him your money - try doing nothing and see what you get back.

Definitely take a friend on holiday. He sounds horrible.

Make those tough decisions.

Read a few threads on here and see what you really think... This guy is NOT A KEEPER. Emotionally abusive: a sulker, a blamer, a taker-for-granted. Oh, and a sponger and selfish too.

Really, two years is not long. The honeymoon period didn't last long, did it? This is what he is LIKE... not what he pretended to be at first. This is him.

Do you want it?

Oh and by the way, no you don't 'cause' this. I think you know that though.

You "love" him but what is there to love about such a character?. He really has no understanding of the word; he wants you to look after him like his mother did before you but this time with sex on tap as well. This man here is what is described as a "cocklodger" and you are now seeing the real him; this soul sucking miserable emotional vampire. The "nice" him was an act designed to reel you right in, he like many emotionally abusive men have radar for outwardly confident women but with innate low self worth and honed in on you accordingly. He has you right where he wanted you all along; there to serve him and his needs. He has all the power here.

Love yourself for a change BlueGirl and work on rebuilding your own self worth that others before him have taken chunks out of. You will keep on making the same old relationship errors otherwise. Look into doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme now and read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

This is no relationship for you to be in and you remain in this simply at further cost to your own already low self worth. He needs to be gone from your life now. And do not go on holiday to FL with him, take a friend instead.

Find the courage within yourself to end this one sided relationship that simply only benefits him.