How do you know if you have fallen out of love, or just in a rut?

[YellowRose08]

Hi ladies,

I apologise in advance for the long post! I have been lurking for a while and finally plucked up the courage to ask for advice.

I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend since I was 16. He is the only boyfriend I have ever had, only person I've ever kissed, slept with ect.. He is the loveliest guy; kind, funny, hard-working and I know he would be a great husband and father. However, for probably the past 12-18 months, I have been having recurring doubts about the relationship and I have no idea what to do!!

If I am being brutally honest. I don't fancy him. He has never been my 'type' physically, but I fell in love with his personality and I think because he was my first love that everything was just so new and exciting that I didn't really mind. Our sex life was so good for the first few years, but now I just have zero desire for him. I would rather do anything than sex. I thought maybe it was because I was on the pill, but I came off all contraception and I still feel the same. I still have a sex drive because I look and fantasise about other men :( We have tried things to spice it up, but I am just putting on an act and trying to fake enthusiasm, I dread getting into bed knowing he is gonna try and initiate something :( I know its normal for the desire to fade in a long term relationship, but I don't want to live like this for the next 50 years! Surely you should still feel some passion for your other half, especially at a younger age?

I feel part of it is probably because I have never been with anyone else, and I do fantasise what it would be like to be with other people. Also I feel because I have had such a serious relationship from such a young age, that I feel like I don't even want a different relationship, I just want/need time and space on my own.

However, my boyfriend is the loveliest person and he is right for me in so many ways. He would never hurt me and with him I know I will be secure and comfortable - just maybe not excited or completely satisified? I don't want to leave him and regret it later on, but also I don't want to feel unsatisfied. I think back to how I used to feel, and I used to be so in love, so obsessed with him and wanted him near me all the time. Now, I just feel.. bored. I feel like all the good times we've had isn't worth throwing away and I should try harder to get 'the spark' back, but I feel like I am forcing to feel excited about him :(

Is it normal to feel like the spark and passion has gone? How can I reignite it? How do I know I have fallen out of love completely?

Oh sweetie, you're so young. It's okay. You're ready to move on. Move on.

I suspect things won't get better with time. I agree that it's time for you to move on.

Desire never fades if you are in love with your partner, you have fallen out of love, it's normal, you are young, time to move on, don't stay out of guilt.

"Desire never fades if you are in love with your partner, you have fallen out of love"

Is that true, though? Surely there is more to love than physical desire? Can you never love a person for their character, personality, the way they just "are" - does it always have to involve sex?

It is possible my own issues may cloud my judgement on this, though...

Yes there is more to love than physical desire, of course there is but if you don't fancy your partner or want to be intimate with them, then, for me, it's not a relationship I would be interested in, esp at the age of 22, I would feel like that now and I am twice the OPs age.

If there is no sex then the relationship is purely platonic.

Unless you can't imagine being without somebody because it is too upsetting to contemplate, then you should move on.
You are young and certainly shouldn't stay out of guilt.

Just a bit of info, not sure if its true for all, but everyone I know who has done this and moved on, the next person is the one they marry. Honestly, but maybe coincidental.

Hi,

Thought I'd give my input...

When I was 25 I felt exactly the same as you. I had been with my boyfriend for five years. I ended up 'ploughing on' (in good faith, I thought my doubts were 'normal') bought a house and we got engaged. 5 months before the wedding, I called it off. It caused quite a lot of upset. I wish I'd done something about it when I first had doubts. I'd say that you're not in a rut if you've been feeling like this for as long as you have. It's really horrible to have to break up with 'a nice guy' but you have to listen to your instincts on this one and just go with them.

I've ended two relationships since this big one, for the same reasons; nice guys but I always had doubts. It doesn't get any easier but hopefully I'm closer to finding the man for me. If it helps I used to picture friends being really happy in their relationships and just knew I'd never feel the same. I'm not very good at lying to myself. You have a long time to find someone. These past few years have in some ways been really hard but at my core I'm so much happier. I don't think you can underestimate how much being in the wrong relationship can affect you.

Good luck

I remember some one told me that the only thing that makes you a couple is the sexual attraction. Without it, it is just a friendship. I think that is true.

Besides, if he is initiating sex and you are just agreeing to go ahead with it as a chore, there will come the time when you resent him so much things could get nasty. Once the attraction is completely gone, there us little you can do to bring it back.

You are very young, this relationship has ran its course. It is time to move on.