When will I stop feeling so shitty?

[annaomar]

I posted on here months ago about exOH and our relationship. I got lots of good advice that made me see what kind of man he is and I also had some counselling which made me understand myself and why I do what I do. I left the relationship and my head tells me this was the right thing for me.

So ( takes deep breath) why do I miss him so much, why can't I stop crying, why every night before I go to bed do I tell myself that "tomorrow I am going to go find him" (I never do go looking)? Why does this man still have this power over me? I have a good life - I see friends who are supportive, I have good family, a job that keeps me busy..... But my heart still aches for this man. How long am I going to feel like this? When will the day come that I can sit and relax on my own without bursting into tears? How do I get rid of the guilt feeling I have that I let him down?

Are you still having counselling OP? I don't remember your original thread so don't know why you left but you must have had good reasons. That doesn't mean you won't miss him of course, maybe just remember the reasons why you had to break it off, and imagine what it would be like if you hadn't.

Guilt is understandable if you feel like you hurt him, but you need to let that go. You can't help him and you're not responsible for him.

This will get better, there's no set amount of time though. Try and keep busy, and talk to people about it.

I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling down op. I would second keeping yourself busy. I once read in a self help book that as a general rule, it takes one month for every year you were together to fully get over them. Of course this is very general and I would imagine it's closer to a piece of string scenario.

During one break up with exH, I read a book called 'it's called a break up because it's broken' and found that quite helpful. From memory that advocates keeping a journal because it's difficult to realise you've made progress until you read it back.

Wishing you lots of luck .

You'll feel differently in a few weeks/months' time.

Think keeping a journal is probably a good idea. My counsellor encouraged to keep one while I was having counselling but I stopped when counselling stopped. Think maybe I will take it up again.

Maybe it will help me figure out what I'm crying for - because I miss him, because of regret that I gave up good stuff for him, because my dreams got broken up. Sorry - mornings when I wake up are the worst - once I get going it won't be so bad.

Was it a particularly intense relationship? 'Whirlwind'? Big promises? You say you gave up good stuff which suggests big sacrifices that probably weren't reciprocated. When you say you now 'see what kind of man he is' was there any element of control, abuse or bullying behaviour? I ask because I think some types of relationships are more difficult to break free from than others.

Keep yourself distracted and your days busy. One day you'll find you aren't thinking about him any more.

I remember your thread, OP, and what sticks in my mind is the enormous personal energy you invested in persuading yourself that this man was decent, honest, loving, badly done-to, a victim of his culture - worthy of your love, essentially - when all other evidence pointed to the exact opposite. He took advantage of you in a ruthlessly horrible way, but you honestly couldn't see that because you seemed so focused on what he 'could' be, not what he was.

I think that's who you're missing, not him: the lovely man you created in your head. Plus the part of yourself that you wove into that fantasy. As you say, it's losing those dreams you had of the life you hoped you'd have together that hurts. BUT - BUT - when you meet a genuinely decent man, and there are plenty out there, it'll suddenly put a very different perspective on what your ex was actually like. I don't mean 'oh, you just need to shag someone else to get over him' at all ; I mean, when you meet someone who is exactly who they say they are, who will love you without complication and treat you with respect and affection, someone who will want to build a future with you, then it'll all seem so easy, compared with the endless, humilating effort you had to keep making to convince yourself that things were OK before.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I know what it's like to expend huge amounts of energy willing someone to be better than they are. It's grinding, and you end up sacrificing a lot of yourself to keep the dream going. But FWIW I'm so glad that you're out of that horrible relationship. You had some excellent advice on the thread from women who'd had personal experience of his cultural background, and of similar relationships. Maybe going back to that, now you're a few months further on, might help remind you how much has changed for the better?

I hope things are happier for you soon. You've done a brave and strong thing, breaking things off; you should be proud of yourself. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, I'm as confident as a total stranger behind a computer screen can be that you're already happier than you would be if you'd stayed and things had carried on as they were.