Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice pls...

51 replies

LalaDipsey · 18/08/2014 20:50

I haven't started a post in a long time about this and can I ask you please to not reply with your gut instinct and to think. I need advice and don't know if I'm being completely stupid or not.... ExH and I had been together since I was 19. There were moments when he was drunk when he wasn't very nice but these weren't very often. We then struggled to conceive and at my age then of 31 we started the gruelling rounds of IVF. 5yrs and 5 rounds later we had dd (2.5) and DTs (just born). He struggled after DD was born, he drank more and had some moments of very drunk not very niceness. After DTs were born he spiralled. He wasn't very nice. Didn't help much at all and on two occasions had violent incidents with the children, neither resulted in doctors visits but nonetheless they happened. Due to some fantastic support on here it helped me demand counselling and changes which he couldn't do so he left. He left 18 months ago when the twins were one. Since he left he has come to see the children every week for around 2 hrs. He hasn't really sought much information about them in the week. I know this all sounds really bad. But we have 20yrs history now. And he's the father of my children. He has been good lately. He brought the children presents last week. Am I absolutely bonkers to even vaguely consider vaguely contemplating anything? He says he will do anything. But the one thing I have consistently asked which he has consistently refused to do is go to AA and stop drinking for good as most of his arsehole moments have happened when either pissed or hungover.....

OP posts:
TapWellies · 18/08/2014 22:23

Your life sounds hard OP, but you are managing and it will get easier.
It does sound as though your Ex moving back in might make things much more stressful, not less. You would be on high alert at all times.

I'm afraid that drinking is still more important to him than you and the children. Such a waste OP, but someone has to prioritise the children and you being the responsible parent, that job falls to you.

A lesser person would have taken an easier route, well done for not doing that.

Thirdtry22 · 18/08/2014 22:24

Alcohol was a big contribution to the breakdown of my 20 year marriage, op - it changes them into something you don't even recognise does'nt it? Just that one drink too many is all it takes, then their eyes change.... It still scares me when my current dp drinks too much, I see the same look in his eyes and start quaking. You have your children to consider and you sound like a good mum. I know you'll do the right thing by them Flowers x

lucyclaudeclaude · 18/08/2014 22:28

Hi lala, I've no wish to comment on the violent pig you had the misfortune to marry but would like to say you sound like a great mum and should do yourself a favour by actively seeking a new boyfriend and/or social life and giving yourself the chance of happiness. Young children with a happy mum will thrive without the presence of their real father (if you can call him this!). It must be hard for you already without allowing this monster back into your home. Alcoholics only follow a downward spiral if they won't seek help themselves. X

LuluJakey1 · 18/08/2014 22:28

The one thing he had to do was tackle the alcohol problem- there is no way round that. His refusal to tells you his priority remains alcohol; he is putting it before you and his children.

I have no doubt he would love to be back with them and with you. He probably thinks he can control it. It is not a risk ever worth taking. Alcoholics are not in control and you have seen the consequences. What you described him doing to your children is criminal and not the act of a loving dad. That he cannot recognise that enough to see he needs help tells you what would happen.

Sorry you are going through all of this. You know what is right. Thanks

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 18/08/2014 22:35

For the sake of your kids please, please please keep your distance. I know from bitter experience that alcoholics can be manipulative. Be strong!

MushroomSoup · 18/08/2014 23:32

Lala I am a long time lurker on MN but I rarely post.

I remember your previous thread. I found it the most harrowing thread I have ever read. I have always thought of you and hoped that you were free of this man, and that your children were safe.

And they are; YOU DID IT.

It terrifies me that you are considering going backwards.

Please re-read your old thread and remember the absolute terror you felt, having him permanently around.

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 21/08/2014 07:45

Thanks all. Sorry for delay in responding have just had the joy of a tummy bug for the last 2 days Hmm
I know. Of course he can hold it together for 2ish hours a week. It's just that to start with, when he had left, he would come over for maybe 1.5hrs and spend most of that asleep on the sofa and lately he has been really great with the kids, he has stayed longer and really interacted. Because I won't leave them with him, it means we get these spurts of being a pseudo family. We took them to the £1 cinema a few weeks ago and bumped into an acquaintance and I had no idea what to introduce him as because we appeared to be a family.
I know we can't go back, not the least because actually the fact that I can't leave him alone with the children sums everything up. I just get moments of 'wondering' that's all.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/08/2014 08:03

I think it's interesting that you don't want gut reactions, only replies after thinking.
Obviously, there is only one answer here: stay well away from him. And that is both a gut and a well thought out reason.
You should trust your gut reaction.
You are trying to find a reason to ignore it I think, hence asking people to think first.
I'm going to ignore your request though and post immediately because my, your, and everyone else's gut reaction is the right one: no no no no no.
He gets drunk and hurts your children.

Why are you even calling it "not very niceness". Sounds more like "total despicable arsehole" to me.

Cabrinha · 21/08/2014 08:06

I daresay you won't be in the introductions position again, but when I refer to the ex, I use "'s dad". It gets across that the link is through the child, not through a relationship with me.
It's fine to say "this is Jim, my ex" though.

Fairylea · 21/08/2014 08:11

I remember your original threads. You can't go back to him. He's a danger to you and the children. Honestly. 20 years or 2 years or 2 months it makes no difference.

I'm sorry but to be honest he's lucky he gets any contact at all with the children after he's behaved the way he has. Many people would just refuse point blank or order contact to be supervised.

GnomeDePlume · 21/08/2014 08:19

Did I read correctly that he lets himself in on visits? A small thing in many ways but is this in a way symbolic, he lets himself into your lives and then out again?

Would a small step to normalising be that you change the locks and that he doesnt have a key? Like every other visitor he knocks on the door and waits to be let in. He is a visitor.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 21/08/2014 08:20

You are a better man than me OP. The only emotion I would feel towards this man is total rage. I feel like you need to find your anger. He is a total waste of space, you sound grateful for the two hours and the recent presents and ....and...and...just Aaaarrgh!

differentnameforthis · 21/08/2014 08:22

Stopping drinking won't stop the violence. Even though you say that large majority of incidents were while drunk, the drink didn't cause them.

The drink caused him to lower his inhibitions & that is when the violent him came to the fore, he just controls it better while sober!

Sorry, but gut is all there is! There is NO thinking about this. He has been violent towards the children & you. He is a risk to them!

If you get back with him, and the authorities found out about his previous violence, you could lose your kids for failing to protect them.

You would be mad to think that 2 hours every now & then, and a few presents = changed man, especially when he is refusing to do the one thing that will help you move on!

CarryOn90 · 21/08/2014 08:23

to be completely honest i find the idea that you would allow a person who has been violent to your children to be near them ever again disgusting and appalling.

differentnameforthis · 21/08/2014 08:38

How do you move on people? By knowing that if that shake was harder, he could have killed or severely disabled your child. That is that object wasn't plastic, it could have killed or severely disabled your child.

but in a way it's not his fault, his father was a violent alcoholic and he hasn't any other role model it is 100% HIS fault. We all make choices, op & he didn't choose the path that would have prevented all this. He chose to follow in his father's footsteps, footsteps that he knew well & knew the damage they caused. He could have taken the other path, stop blaming other people for what your dh has done to his family.

Cabrinha · 21/08/2014 09:55

And bollocks to the no other role model. Everyone has choices. They may be very hard, but nobody parents the identical way to their patents. No-one. Mine shouted and whipped me. I've never shouted in 5 years with my daughter, or so much as tapped her hand. Choices.

Fairylea · 21/08/2014 10:03

My mum's an alcoholic and I had an awful childhood. Like a lot of people with that sort of background I've tried to make sure my children are showered with love and happiness. Please don't perpetuate the view that those that are abused become abusers because it simply isn't true.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2014 10:10

This nasty piece of work again? I remember you posting and he was one of those unpleasant partners that sticks in the memory long long after the thread fades.

He was unrepentant back then and deaf to your entreaties. He wants more and will put pressure on you but if possible at least inconvenience to himself. The children will be charmed by him as long as Mummy welcomes him in and hovers protectively. But if he is still drinking it's like sitting on a time bomb hoping for a miracle.

FetchezLaVache · 21/08/2014 13:23

What are you actually asking here, just to clarify? Whether we think you should contemplate taking back a man who is violent towards tiny children when drunk, and who is still drinking, with no intention of seeking help, just because he's stepped up to the plate to the extent of seeing his children for 2 hours a week and bought them some presents once?

Twinklestein · 21/08/2014 13:57

There's no research in the world that says it's better to let children see a violent alcoholic OP. That's the reality of what you're dealing with.

Supervised contact is possible strategy, and personally I would be happier if it was at a contact centre.

wallypops · 21/08/2014 14:40

I'm afraid I think that you probably need to change the status quo and like Twinkle says, use a contact centre. This would at least allow you the chance of a couple of hours off, and he would be supervised. It would reduce or remove your contact with him, which would also be a lot less confusing for you. It would also make him face up a bit to what he is. I know you are trying to do the best for your kids, but don't forget about you too. Sometimes, in trying to do the best by others, we end up damaging ourselves, and that is not a long term solution.

It sounds to me that you are beginning to be ready to think about a new relationship. (It took me 6 years to get there). Do the freedom programme online, it doesn't take long, but does bring up some of your own issues.

Then start gradually tiptoeing round the edges of the idea of dating. And if you are eventually going to be in a new relationship, having your ex let himself in an out of your house is a giant no no. Actually, that is a giant no no anyway.

thestamp · 21/08/2014 16:15

I agree with Twinklestein that you should actually be using a contact centre.

Having him in your home, where he lets himself in, no less, is dangerous and not good for you or the children. He is an active alcoholic who has assaulted infants while drunk. It's actually almost unthinkable that he still has a key, and is still allowed into the sanctuary of his victims' home.

VanitasVanitatum · 21/08/2014 16:29

He said he would do anything, but he won't go to AA.

You can't even consider it without that, as you have said.

This must be so hard for you, but you're doing the right thing.

BrucieTheShark · 21/08/2014 16:40

Omg lala, surely if you simply read your old threads that will be enough? It was so so so hard for you to take that final step and get him OUT. Could you do it again if you needed to? And he refuses AA fgs.

Also there is a thread in chat (I think) about what people don't miss about their twatty exes.

Read it - lots of common themes are coming out. Not least the fact that many of the men had been great for 10/15/20 years until the partner got pregnant. Then many of them literally turned into monsters overnight it seems.

Not one of them suddenly had a reverse and went back to the older nicer version unfortunately.

BrucieTheShark · 21/08/2014 16:42

Sorry - I missed your last post. Phew.

Do you think you're actually considering it sometimes because you don't trust him alone with the DC?

Since the logical next step is to work up to unsupervised contact, do you think it's almost an attempt to avoid that?